Falling on my knees

"Falling on my knees in worship, giving all I have to seek your face, Lord all I am is yours." - Came To My Rescue by Hillsong United

As Joslyn and I walked into church this past Sunday I was feeling good. I had gotten her ready  by myself and we were running only 10 minutes late to Sunday school. I have gotten used to going to church without my significant other. But as usual there was a small pain that went up my spine as I sit down alone. A little bit of hurt as I look around at the other oblivious couples that sit together and worship together and give together and pray together. But determined to not let the devil win I walk into the couples Bible study alone and luckily see a friend I can sit with who was also alone. The Bible study was good and I walk into the main church service into really good spirits. I find a seat in my usual area and get approached by a wonderful lady I am getting to know a little bit better in CR, we have a great conversation that I know we never would have had if I was sitting with my husband.  So when the service starts we open with some amazing worship songs. Let me stop here and tell you how wonderful our worship team is! One of my favorite new persons is our worship leader Chuck. Originally from Louisiana, he has this jazzy spirit that is infused with all the songs he sings. And having a momma who plays piano wonderfully, I can honestly say that he is one of the best piano players I have ever heard. Worship seems so natural coming from him and he has a way of making the whole crowd sway. So break over, anyways the songs were great but one of my all time favorite songs was the last one played. Revelation song
http://youtu.be/FObjd5wrgZ8

I don't think I have ever sang this song without feeling goosebumps and tears streaming down my face.
This morning was not any different. I know I would have probably not have felt that though if my hubby was there. Singing with both hands in the air reaching for my Lord and Savior and crying out to Him. So with half of the congregation sniffling we sit down to hear the message. Our Senior pastor was away speaking to the youth at the  Youth State Convention. So pastor Jamie filled in. And let me tell you she was wonderful! She spoke about security and how we tend to need security but we look for the wrong things to make us secure. Alarms, dogs, good neighborhoods, money. So many things we use to make us feel secure and yet the righteous are already secure in Him. He has our security planned out, it is us who walks away from the security to follow our own paths. It was a great sermon but it wasn't until she read this verse that I got it. You know the reason I knew I was there that day. There is always that moment in church where I feel, okay I was supposed to be here today. The verse was
 I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be a blessing. Psalms 37:25-26

My heart stops. My daughter. She will not be forsaken. I knew that God would take care of her, but I realized I had fallen into a trap. I was living my life day by day and assumed that she would chose the Lord. After all wasn't I setting a good example, wouldn't she be surrounded with my church friends that would rasie her up in the right way. But no I knew better, deep in my heart. My friends who struggle with the fact that their children aren't believers. That they make the wrong decisions that drag them away from the Lord. That no matter what they do, their children make their own decisions. Joslyn would be the same way. Choosing the wrong decisions sometimes. Sometimes running away from God when she needs to be running towards Him. It's her path not mine. But this verse is so important. The righteous's children will not be forsaken. That means when all is said and done, she will be a child of the Lord. But it was shame that brought me to the alter that morning. I hadn't been praying for my daughter's salvation. I haven't been faithful in praying for my husband to be brought back to the Lord. When they opened up the alter, I ran down there falling on my knees. Crying to the Lord for forgiveness. And feeling His love, thanking Him for my husband and my daughter. Then begging for my daughter to find Him and be a girl and woman that has a faith that changes the world. Most people want their children to be successful. But successful how? I want Joslyn's successes to be for the Kingdom of God not of this world. Who cares if she has a great job if she isn't following God's path. Who cares if she is making enough money for all the things she wants, if she isn't content in what God has given her? I also begged for God to bring my hubby back to Him. For me to have the faith and belief in Him that it shines through me in all I do. And for us to be a family that prays together and does God's divine work together.
I have made a commitment to be praying for them every night. Down on my knees praying. Heart opened and tears streaming prayers. Last night while my hubby went and got dinner (yummy chinese) I went to my room and dropped to my knees. I prayed for you too. For you to find your potential in Christ and to drop to your knees in heart wrenching prayer.

http://youtu.be/gArr7gyiMBY

When Depression Hits Me

This past week I have been hit with a little depression. It's amazing to me how many people deal with depression and still it is a taboo subject. So many women afraid to talk about how they get depressed because of the reactions they get. Like "You just need to buck up! You'll get through this." " You should be praying more, if you are depressed it's because you aren't praying enough." Or "What do you have to be unhappy about?"

Phrases like this, keep women in the dark. I remember the first time I realized I was depressed after a long horrible 6 months of crying and barely leaving the house. It was like a lightbulb had gone off. I wasn't just not praying enough, like I had been told by someone I looked up to! I was clinically depressed and needed some help. So I had a friend who led me to a counselor and I was able to talk through some of the issues that was keeping me paralized in depression. Now I know the devestation of depression and I know that everyone who deals with depression is a little different. Some people require a little medication to balance out their system. Some people need long term medication to keep their hormone levels straight and some like me just need to talk it out. None of the types are better than the other and all are real! After I got through that long bout of depression, my depression only hits me in smaller times and are few and farther between.

What I feel that God is leading me to say, may be harsh. But one of the greatest things I have learned in CR is how we are not meant to fix others. Telling someone something like the stuff above may be the truth, and it may actually help them, but unless they ask you for advise, then keep your nose out! Listen I know it's hard. I have seen how much being in a safe place like CR opens up people to talking, because they make it safe. A rule that we must follow in group is that we are not there to fix one another. We have to keep it about us. What is God working on us this week, not how can you pray for so and so cause she is going through a divorce. Or we should really talk to her about her missing so much church. Or did you hear about this person's son getting arrested? IT'S ALL GOSSIP!!!! And gossip destroys! Just like mentioning to someone what they should do to fix their life is part of codependency. And really we all do it. Even after I go to CR and am immersed in the safeness of it, I still go home and forget. I tell people all the time that they need CR and I am doing the same thing. So I am sorry, if I have done that to you. I am working on me constantly.
"whose tongue utters no slander, who does no wrong to a neighbor, and casts no slur on others;"

Psalm 15:2-4

"They sharpen their tongues like swords and aim cruel words like deadly arrows."

Psalm 64:2-4

So when depression hits I try to immerse myself in CR a little bit more, read God's word and mostly get out of the house. When I am depressed I want to hide in a little safe hole and never come out. But luckily God puts people in my life that help draw me out of my shell and bring me back out into the light. The devil loves it when I hide in the darkness, he will use anything he can to bring me there and anything to keep me there. This time the depression wasn't too bad, because I got out of the house a little and because of CR. But it was still there and it was real. I hope this post reaches someone who has been dealing with depression and is afraid of talking about it. I hope they feel less alone and free to talk about it. We are all dealing with hurts, habits or hang-ups in this life and talking about it is the first step to freedom.

Valentine's Day

This year for Valentine's day John surprised me with some chocolate covered strawberries and a wonderful note that brought me to tears and I surprised him with a big package of new socks. But we were supposed to go to a Valentine's Murder mystery dinner put together by our youth for our Valentine's Day gifts to each other.

For me the romance of Valentine's Day has faded into a peaceful contentment that is so much better than the lustful years of before. No longer do I desire my husband to sweep me off my feet with the perfect gift and the even more perfect attitude. I have talked before about unrealistic expectations and how they can lead to disaster. That perfect gift can never be found and your spouse will either stop trying to find it and resent you or break his spirit and your bank account looking. I remember spending the days before Valentine's Day hoping that John would show up with a token that would esteem his love for me and that he would then carry me into the bed room and all would be perfect! But alas my husband would either show up with a trifle gift that would cause doubt in my mind that he really loved me. After all couldn't he get the twenty or so hints that I had dropped the week before? Didn't he understand how much was riding on this gift?

Unfortunately, that was me up there, embarrassed as I must admit. Not knowing that I was holding my husband to an impossible standard. After all I hadn't purchased the hubby version that read minds or came with a prince charming romance card. My prince charming was just a man! A strong and wonderful man that was showing his love to me everyday and wondering why it was never enough. Wasn't working incredibly hard to provide what I needed and wanted and then trying everyday to figure out what I really wanted enough? Needless did he know that I couldn't tell him what I wanted if he did have the gall to ask.
My heart and mind fought over the truth of what I wanted and needed. I didn't need the gift that I longed for that day but the love and acceptance that i thought it would provide for me. I didn't want my bank account to be in the toilet just for a gift that would sit on my shelf a week later. I wanted a promise that he would always be there for me, love me like the the best love story heroes did, and fill all the holes in my heart that the world had put there. Of course he couldn't and can't fulfill any of these things!

Only God can give me the everlasting love that I desire, He will never leave me or abandon me. Only God can know my deepest desires and secrets and provide the heroic awesome love story I long to be in. And only God can heal the wounds and hurts that sin and darkness put in my life.
Once I realized what I was really longing for I set out to change it. Notice I said it not him. I decided I would seek God for those things that I longed for and a true miracle happened. God started showing me what an amazing gift in a husband He had given me.  How although I could not control that he would never leave me, pending I find a way to cheat death, I could count on a man that would work harder than I would to stay by my side. And although my robot husband was not prince charming, he would look for more and more ways to show me his love even when i didn't deserve it. And the biggest gift was that he would support me in my attempts to fill those holes in my heart, by not complaining of the endless nights I would spend in Celebrate Recovery and handling with caution the broken mess I was and am.

Slowly I noticed the changes in him. He started communicating with me more and that opened up so much room for healing in our marriage. One of the sweetest things I have seen in a long time is the healing of a marriage of some friends of mine. As I watch God restore what is broken in their lives I am reminded of how much God has restored in my marriage and in me. But I had to get to that broken place before I let him fix it. I had to let go of the control.

So I challenge you today to look at the expectations you have for your loved ones. Are you holding them to standards that only God can fill? And if so, isn't it worth the opportunity to heal for you to let go?

Adventure 14

Well I don't have it in my possession yet, but I have accomplished Adventure 14, getting my passport!!!!
It should take about 3 weeks to recieve the actual physical hold in my hand passport book, but it is bought and in the works! This is a real accomplishment because it works toward my lifelong bucket list to travel and see the world. I know that there isn't a lot of traveling on my adventure list but that is because my blog goals are to accomplish these things before Joslyn turns 5, since she is 2 now that doesn't leave me a lot of time to accomplish these goals. 14 in a year isn't very spectacular, I know. But since we are working on a limited budget and have many adventures that are expensive or require other circumstances. But God has done great works in me so far through this list and will continue to bless me and others by continuing to help me accomplish these. How is a silly adventure list part of God's plan, you ask? Well, since I lived most of my life avoiding any kind of risk and choosing to hide in the shadows by not drawing attention to myself. Every week you hear me talk about Celebrate Recovery and the changes it has made in me. But one of the biggest changes has occured within, when I truly realized my worth in God and therefore make the decisions to live out in the open and out of the box. What others think of me are irrevelent compared to what God  feels about me. Each time I accomplish an adventure that is either scary or draws attention to me, I am fullfilling God's plan and breaking those chains of unworthiness and self worth that used to control my every move. So each week I expose myself a little more, to draw closer to my Savior and if you don't like it, then so be it! I do love you though because God loves you and me, we are and will always be important in His eyes!
P.S. I will update this post when I get the actual passport. I am not a huge fan of the picture, but oh well what can I do about that? I will be really really excited when I get my first stamp in my new passport!

Getting Rid of Sickness

Did you know that sickness is a way for your body to stay healthy?
Each sickness your body is exposed to builds up your antibodies to prepare you for another illness. In the same way God uses our past trials to prepare us for the next one. That is why it is so beneficial for us to pay attention and use the tools He has given us to get healthy.
As most of you know we have had sickness after sickness in our home. As we come out of the midst of this sickness, I thought that we would share a few tips I have learned to help us get rid of sickness.

We Rest!

Sickness, is an awful strain on your body, spirit and mind! I used to be the type of person that would work through sickness, and pain until I could go no longer. But being a mother has taught me the importance of slowing down and resting. I feel so much better when I put away the distractions and sleep. It is easy to get sick when we work our bodies to the point of exhaustion. Healthy people are those that sleep! Remember God even rested on the 7th day. I don't believe that God needed this rest but I believe that he did it as a lesson to us to follow, rest!

We Take our Medicine.

Most medicine is awful tasting but it is good for us! Our medicine for this last sickness was the nebulizer and albuterol. Let just tell you how much fun it is holding down a strong toddler to do a breathing treatment. But it is neccesary for her to get better, John had to practically hold me down to get me to do my treatments too! No one likes taking medicine, but we all have to take it once and awhile. When temptations and trials in our life cause a sickness of sin in us we have to take our medicine. God has seen the sin in us and therefore provided the medicine we need to get healthy, His Word! He hates to see us struggle with sin, but will allow us to suffer with it until we pick up The Bible and read. If you can't take the whole spoonful of medicine right away, then sip it. Listening to Christian radio stations like AirOne or KLove can be great tools. Reading books by famous Christian authors can help, just remember that the only one who can heal you is Jesus, so if the book isn't leading you to Him, then put it down. I reccomend John Baker (author of Celebrate Recovery), Beth Moore, Andy Stanley are just a few! Check out a local church or Christian bookstore and see what they reccomend.

We call in backup!

No one likes to be sick, but being sick without anyone there to help you feel better is worse. Whether it is a mom to soothe you to sleep, a sister to make or bring you soup, a friend to watch movies with you, we all need help.  God designed us to need companionship! Especially during trials or sin. Jesus himself was surrounded with people he loved and trusted.  Having people pray and hold you accountable during times like these can make or break you. Of course you know that i reccommend Celebrate Recovery, but a good strong church group or bible study group is good too. So make that phone call and ask for help, you'll be glad that you did.

We sanitize!

Anything that is plastic and doesn't have batteries is thrown into the bathtub with bleach water. Everything else is thrown into the laundry, the trash or sprayed down with Lysol! Don't give germs a foothold to stick around! Alike germs, the temptations of sin is contagious! Clean out your house of temptations and arm yourself with protection. If pornography is your sickness, then throw away the magazines, move the computer to a safe spot in the house, and find someone to hold you accountable. Since food addiction is my sickness, I have learned to only go grocery shopping with a list and a chapperone. I also keep busy because sitting around the house is a temptation to eat and I have my CR groups to help me stay accountable to eating and exercising.

We use good habits!

A sickness is a great reminder of why we should eat healthy, exercise and take care of ourselves! Reminding my daughter to wash her hands and keep toys out of her mouth is another way to keep sickness away.  Praying, reading your Bible and meeting with your accountability partners help you keep good habits!

We prepare for sickness!

Staying stocked on medicines like tylenol and cold medicines help us be prepared for something that may hit us fast. Cough drops and allergy pills are a must at our house. Remember that sickness, trials and sin is part of life. If we deny it won't or can't happen to us then we won't be prepared when it does. Sometimes God will knock us off of our feet so He can carry us!

Here's to your health!

When the pain gets to be too much

I have been filled with sadness for some of my friends that are experiencing hardships right now. Marriages breaking, death, sickness and more. As a codependent, it is easy for me to feel the pain of others. I have always had compassion for those who are hurting. I have less compassion though for those who hurt. But in Celebrate Recovery, I have learned that hurt people hurt people. As human beings we all bring our hurts and habits and hangups into our relationships. And it is really naive to think that the past doesn't still have an effect on our today.
But when I walked into Celebrate Recovery for the first time I had no clue.  I was living in major denial of my previous hurts, I had no clue that I couldn't fully commit to a relationship because of the abandonment I felt in my heart. I didn't know that I substituted serving to get the acceptance and love I was craving. I really thought that it was normal to be two different people, the one I let others see and the one that only God knew about. But living life like that was exhausting. I never understood why I was always too tired to do what I needed to do for me, because I was busy holding the world up. My friends, my family, my coworkers. I thought that I had to be there for them 24-7 and that if I couldn't be who they needed me to be that I wasn't serving the Lord. People pleasing is a dangerous and exhausting game. It never gets you the results you want and it isn't actually helping those you think. Enabling and people pleasing go hand in hand. Sometimes the Lord wants us to stand up and say no. And when we do that we can really see what He is asking us to do. Who He wants us to help and how we are to serve Him without exhausting ourselves. Without being 2 people and without feeling void of what we need. Serving the Lord isn't always easy, in fact doing the right thing is usually the harder thing to do. Sometimes it means that we have to step over that crevice of pride that keeps us from truly gaining His blessing. Fear is a big obstacle that keeps us from doing what God wants. Fear of rejection, fear of embarrassment, fear of failure. The pain has to be greater than our fear. Sometimes God lets us go through these painful moments to bring us back to Him. Yes Almighty could keep your marriage together, but because of His love for us He lets us make our own bad decisions. And as far as death, I don't have the magic answer of why God lets people die. But I know that this life is temporary for everyone and is only a precursor to the afterlife. We should value the time we have on Earth with our loved ones. And for a believer, death is just the beginning of a wonderful eternity. If I could offer any comfort is this time to others, it would be to stop running from God. Stop trying to hold up that heavy burden. Run to the One who can help. Run to Jesus who never lets you down. Run to the Father that does not abandon. Give the weight to the Lord. He will lift you up. He has for me, I pray for you it will be also!

Boundaries or chains

Ouch! Is the first thing I said when I looked at our after Christmas shopping finances. Wow, why is it so much fun to spend that we ignore the warnings. The phrase, "Your Cup Runneth Over" is playing over and over in my head right now. Not only did the spending run over, but I can't help but think about how blessed we are. To have the money to buy any presents at all for our family is a blessing. To have a warm place to live is a blessing. I could go on and on. So why isn't it enough? Why are we always wanting more? I don't have an easy answer to the age old questions, but I can tell you what I struggle with and with that how I know God can help.

I am a person with sort of obsessive/compulsive disorder. You wouldn't believe it if you saw my life though. Most people categorize those people to be neat, clean and always on schedule. Well that is what a want in my life. In fact if my life is not like that I give up on all of it. If I can't see order then I don't even try. My brain is always wanting to make lists. Always! I want to organize everything. I can spend an hour or more at a Walmart, organizing the 5 dollar movie bin. I love doing it! But my house is always a mess. Because my brain can't figure out how to keep it clean, so I don't try. If it was only me in this house I would have everything in a perfect spot and it would never get moved. But I have never lived alone. I grew up with 1 brother and 1 sister that would move or disturb my stuff. A mom who didn't clean either and a dad that was extremely organized but was never there. I couldn't find any peace in my life. No plan that fit. No drawer big enough to hold all the messy stuff so that the rest of my life could be peaceful and organized. No one showed me how I was supposed to organize or clean up the messes. I look at a messy room and want to clean the smallest part first so that I have one organized part. The problem with that is that I make the rest of the room messier by organizing that one drawer and never have time to get the whole area clean when I focus on such the small details.
But as I get older I have learned some great things about myself.
1. I do much better if I have a deadline. Although I tend to procrastinate until close to the deadline.
2. If there is a list to follow I can follow it. ( But I do tend to always want to update my lists and make them prettier.)
3. I absolutely do very badly if there are no boundaries. Boundaries are necessarily!

We learn about boundaries often in Celebrate Recovery. Many people need boundaries to function. Life without boundaries for me, always leaves me in chains. If I don't have boundaries with my money I will end up chained to a loan company or owing the bank too much. If I don't have boundaries with my food, I am chained to my addiction. I am constantly struggling for freedom from my addictions and my habits that bind me to a life I don't want. But what I am learning is that if I want freedom I will have to apply boundaries. The idea of limiting myself is scary though. What if I do without? What if I can never get what I want? What if I feel trapped? These seem like silly questions! But these silly questions have kept me from enjoying freedom for so long. They have kept me in a comfortable madness state, too afraid to move because it is scary not knowing what will happen. But I know the truth! God is my creator, He formed me and loves me and wants the best for me. I have to truly trust Him with those feeling of doubt and fear. He will break those chains on my wrist of addiction and habits that I don't want. But I have to trust Him and do what he says. And He is telling me to apply some of those boundaries to the issues I have dealt with for so long. You see even the boundaries will fail me at some point. I will fail me, my house and drawers will always be over flowing with junk, but He can still give me that peace that I seek. The organization my heart seeks. And may this next year be a year of cleaning out the old junk drawers and making room for the good stuff that I have really longed for. Like a healthy lifestyle, that I can spend more of my time enjoying life instead of eating. That I can teach my daughter to love her life too! And I long for organization in my household. That I will have a place for everything and know how to stop clutter before it begins. And with my money, that we will stick to our budget and then have the funds to truly give to God and his people when he asks me too. I could do so much with that money if I applied boundaries.
2012 goals
make and stick to the budget and have our emergency fund accomplished (Financial Peace University)
lose 60 lbs by applying a food plan and working out.
start and maintain Joslyn's preschool schedule
Find a way to organize the house, especially Joslyn's room and my financial paperwork.
Teach Joslyn how to keep her room clean.

These are some of the goals I am setting for myself and I have started making boundary lists( I can't help it) to follow! I hope that you find some peace in 2012 also! What are some of the boundaries you have set or goals you have set for 2012?

Lead me

LEAD ME - BY SANCTUS REAL

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying


"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?


Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone."


I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying


"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?


Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone."


So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I am called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't you lead me?


To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love
Chasing dreams that I could give up


I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this out home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone


Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone



When I first heard this song I bawled my eyes out. I had always dreamed of a husband that would lead our family God's way. After all I had been a Christian so long it was expected of me to find a husband that would be a Godly man. So when I met and fell in love with John, a non believer my family was shocked. "You will have troubles" I kept hearing. I didn't care at that point, I was so in love and so young. In fact, I was like most young people, you couldn't tell me anything I didn't already know. HA! But when I found that the wedded bliss wore off and I was left wondering, is this it? Is this the rest of my life? Living my life alone? The part where he sings I know we call this our home But I still feel alone, really spoke to me. I did feel alone and I couldn't figure out why. 


Last night, I got my 4 year chip for codependency at Celebrate Recovery and I am so excited! 4 years since I took that blue chip, surrendering our marriage and my part in it. I still remember like yesterday praying to God to just give me the courage to give up control of those things I wanted to change so badly. To live each day in my marriage knowing that God is working in me and my husband and that instead of changing my husband I needed to change. It was a night of true surrender for me and it didn't take long before a peace set in. Let me back up and tell you a few things that needed to change in me and then I can tell you what I've learned. 


It those first few trying years of marriage so much learning is to be done. Learning those annoying habits your spouse has that used to be cute. Learning how your spouse handles tough situations, and learning how they deal with someone new trying to control them. Alright ladies, I know you say not me. I don't try and control him! Yeah right! have you ever caught yourself thinking if he would just do what I ask in a timely matter we wouldn't have an issue?If he would just see it my way? If he would listen to me, I can convince him that I am right? All of these things I thought and would even say to him, not understanding why he thought my way wasn't the best. Marriage for us was a constant power struggle. Me wanting to have him comfortably under my control and have a peaceful home. And him wanting to maintain some freedom and decision making and have his dutiful wife submitting to him. Both of us were sadly mistaken. Now our situation was not uncommon. When I started going to Celebrate Recovery small group I heard woman after woman saying the same things with different situations. Whatever the issue was we just wanted it done our way and all we could see was our side of the situation. Only when God helped me to notice my inadequacies  in the marriage did my view change. I learned a phrase called unrealistic expectations. I had those for my husband. I expected him to perfectly balance his time between his work and our home. I expected him to be there for me spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically and to never let me down in those areas. If he did let me down I would hold it over his head. Then I would cry and moan about how hard my life was living with someone who did not get me. I learned that my old fears of abandonment played havoc with my new home and that I was terrified of being left alone. I knew I wasn't perfect but I never thought that I was hard to live  with. After all my friends and family loved me, I was a nice church goer, I was kind and considerate. So why wasn't it working. Why did I dream of running away everytime things go too hard? Why couldn't my husband and I hear each other even though we were begging to be heard? 


Going through the Celebrate Recovery step study helped me to sort out those old feelings and emotions that crept up from the past and threatened to ruin my marriage. The questions helped me figure out why I reacted certain ways when my life wasn't easy. I began to see patterns in my life that kept me on a path of fear instead of stepping out in faith. I saw how I really kept God at a safe distance in case he turned out to be like my earthly father and let me down. I saw clearly the expectations I had for my husband and realized that no one could live up to those standards. Not even me! I gained tools to use when life got scary on how to turn to God instead of relying on my husband or myself. I really started understanding that my husband had a history and baggage like i did, and now was interested in his side of the story and why he does things the way he does. 


So I bet you are wondering how our marriage is now. Well this isn't a fairy tale we didn't live happily ever after. But we do live much happier! I can tell you that the peace and contentment is much more present in this marriage. yes we still disagree occasionally but no longer do I dream of running away. Rarely do we have a fight that doesn't get resolved right away. I don't go to bed angry with him any more. I don't hold grudges with him. And we have had more conversations then we have ever had and I actually listen to his side and when he listens to me he hears me! This is a great thing, ya'll! And it is all because I let God lead me, and I know that with my heart he really will take care of the rest. He knows my desires and fears, he knows my future and cares about every little thing. When I lean on Him things are easier, He carries my burdens. Maybe one day my husband and I will pray together and church and tithing will be a shared vision. Maybe one day we will live our lives completely on faith in Him. But until then, I trust that God is working and thank him for what I do have, a wonderful husband that does love me and takes care of his family to the best of his ability. 

the birthday party

Today is Joslyn's 2nd birthday party! And instead of going all out on a party with a theme this year I have decided to let My Big Life Change affect my decisions. Last year as planned for Joslyn's big one year party, I got affected by the bug. You know the have to have a perfect party and impress my friends bug. I was bombarded with little hints that her first birthday had to be "special". My hubby insisted that she wouldn't remember it, but I had to have a good first birthday for her. It had to be memorable! 

 

What a load of crock! Excuse me if I am blunt, but where in the world was my brain? Is this what God had planned for me? No way! I got sidetracked as usual and my worldly side got the better of me. Please don't get me wrong, I am not condemning fancy birthday party's by any means! But I am talking about getting so lost in the idea of a perfect birthday party that stress and worry and the thought of by any means necessarily, must this party come off. When bows and tutu's have to be the perfect color and decorations must be all just so, and the amount spent on a party has to be as much or more than last year or more than Johnny what's his names party, then we need to stop and reevaluate. 

Who are we throwing this party for?

-    Is it the child that is going to benefit mostly from this party? Is the stress from the party planning affecting your relationship with your child on their Big Day? Would you be more upset if your friends never came to the party then your child would? Are you willing to do almost anything to make sure that your child has a memorable occasion? These are all questions I have to ask myself. Because I am a codependent, I am easily brought back into people pleasing mode, I have to work hard to keep myself out of that mode, especially on big occasions. 

What are We teaching our children?

- When I would fill in at my friends store it would always amaze me the things people would do for their children. Big huge ordeals would be made if the tutu was 2 colors off of her daughter's perfectly pink party. If the bow wasn't just so, or the gift was just right, the parents would throw a perfect little tantrum till they got what they wanted. I couldn't help but feel sorry for the kid. Four or five years later this kid is going to do the same thing to it's parents and they are going to be scratching their heads trying to figure out why their kids are so bratty? I am by no means a good parent, I have made more mistakes then I ever dreamed I would do. But I do know that if I keep my eye focused on Jesus, it is easier to see the world in a different light. What if we focused on the child instead of the party? What if we taught by example instead of expecting our children to pick up good habits from somewhere else? What if we taught our kids the value of giving instead of receiving?  What if we made little changes in our lives that would affect the world, one little step at a time?

What if I stopped caring what other people thought about what I do for my child? This year is going to be a little bit different. This year I am going to not worry about who comes to her party. I am going to let her have fun. I am going to teach her that her value is not in what gifts she gets, what clothes she wears, who her friends are. I am going to teach her the God values her, that we value her, the way she is! The way that Celebrate Recovery has taught me to value myself. Happy Birthday to the single most valuable person in my life! My daughter Joslyn! My precious child!

Thoughts of a not so thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a time of happiness and cheer, or is it? I have learned so much about many things since wandering into Celebrate Recovery for the first time. So many things that have changed my views on life but one of the most surprising things I have learned  is that many people don't like or enjoy the holidays. It was a huge shock to me!

As a kid in a disfunctional family, I loved the holidays. When my dad left the house the first time, my life changed forever. Instead of Mom and Dad buying us presents, my mom would work and work and do everything she could to make sure that we would have a good Christmas. If mom would work on Christmas Eve, we would still have Christmas that night when she got home no matter what time it was. Then on Christmas day we would eat a big meal and visit family and friends. Thanksgiving was the same way. It was one guaranteed day that we would get to spend with mom. Time with mom was rare since she was always working. So after we ate ourselves silly we would clear the table and play cards! Laughing and hanging out around the card table was our favorite family past time. Even if we went to Grams's house the cards or dominoes would always come out! Such good memories are surrounded around my holidays!

But now that I have experienced life a little through recovery eyes, I can see why the holidays aren't always good occasions. First of all, the holidays usually bring back memories of loved ones that are no longer here.
I have a friend that lost her mother the other day. I went to the funeral for this lovely woman who was all about her family. But although she is in the best place you can be ( with Jesus) I imagine her family is really going to miss her tomorrow. Not to mention going through Christmas without their mother, wife, sister or grandma is going to be extra hard. So many people out there are going through life missing part of their family. It is easy to pretend that life is not hard without them when we keep busy, but when we have to slow down sometimes our mind goes overboard with memories. Some people are completely alone for many different reasons. Like my dad! Although alienating himself was his doing, the holidays can be very hard on him. And although he would probably not admit it, he would rather not be alone. So luckily John's family is very good about welcoming him in. We go get him on Thanksgiving and get to have much needed time with him and other family. Right now my mom is apart from us and I am very thankful for the friends she has that takes her in on Thanksgiving and Christmas when she can't come home.

Secondly, living with addiction is hard. And if you are a food addict like me Thanksgiving is a holiday where my addiction stares me in the face. But as hard as it is for a food addict during the holidays, it is nothing compared to dealing with an alcohol or drug addiction. Alcohol was never part of our holidays growing up, but I have learned that many families include alcohol as part of their family festivities. Now I am not judging anyone, so if you have alcohol or eggnog during your holidays don't think that I am saying anything to you. But  for drug and alcohol addicts. Holidays are really hard times. Many started their addictions because of events that happened in their families. Whether it was abuse of some kind or growing up with too strict of a lifestyle or many many other reasons, getting back together with that family and reliving that trauma is too much for some people to handle. Also, even if their family is not the reason for them to be in their addiction, sometimes hanging out with people that point out your addiction even if not on purpose, can be really hard. I also want to tell you that I have learned of many occasions where sexual abuse has happened within families and for whatever reason the victim lives in secret oppression from this person. Seeing this person during the holidays and other occasions, can be very traumatic if not dangerous.

Thirdly, holidays are very expensive and busy. We grew up poor in money but not in spirit. One of my mom's spiritual gifts is making friends. My mom can make anyone feel at home and can turn a stranger into a friend in minutes. Because of this, mom has always had many friends at church and at home. And mom's church family always took care of us during holidays where we were having trouble coming up with food or gifts. In fact, year round they were always there for us if we were in need of anything. But for many people asking for help is not second nature. Pride can cause many a man or woman to fall. And sometimes people don't know where to go for help. So spending the holidays without food or gifts to give your children can be devastating. Also, with the stores competing for your attention on the best deals on food and gifts, we can over spend so easily! Then along with dealing with after thanksgiving belly aches we are looking at our empty wallets and trying to figure out Christmas. Buying the biggest and best toys and games for your family can cause major headaches and heartaches. I have been invited by some of my friends to go with them Black Friday shopping. I would never do this. First of all, I can't stand crowds. Secondly, I am the complete opposite of a morning person and cannot stand getting up early. Thirdly, I believe that competing with others for perfectly meaningless reasons only causes more frustration and cause to forget what we are thankful for. I have always wanted to ask some of those crazy black Friday shoppers what they are thankful for while they are freezing their little tushes waiting for a store to open.

So the point to this very long monologue is that we should be mindful of why some people may not share your holiday spirit. And I am saying this to remind us of why we are all broken and we all need Jesus. And as His hands and feet we are to portray Jesus's love and message to the world. His second greatest commandment was to love your neighbor as yourself. So maybe the next time Mr. Scrooge gets in front of us in the grocery line, or passes us on the highway, we will show compassion and remember why Jesus came in the first place. And that is why Celebrate Recovery never has a night off. This Thanksgiving I am going to spend time with family during the day but at night as normal on a Thursday night, I will be spending time with my CR friends. Because recovery is a process and it doesn't stop because it is a holiday. Thank you for letting me share!

Responding with Grace

Joslyn Halloween 2011

Oh, how I wish that I could say that this is easy. I thought being a mom would be easy for me. I have always been good with children, and I waited a long time, learning so much along the way. So, when I find myself at odds with my toddler a lot lately, I feel like a failure. Terrible two's is no joke. Joslyn is only 22 months old and they say that this lasts till 4 years old?!?!!! Some days I hang my head and cry. She purposely does things she isn't supposed to. All day long it is a battle from morning to night. It is exhausting and hard to have a defiant child. I am a peacemaker, I want quiet and calm in my house. But when you get me angry I do not bring peace not anymore.

I have been a codependent person for most of my life. Before Celebrate Recovery, If you made me mad; I would cry, stew about it, blow up or hold it in, and forgive you, because losing a friend was devastating to my ego. It was worse to lose a friend in my mind then to be misused or walked on by one. Once I worked the 12 steps I became aware of these problems. I learned that instead of having feelings of my own, I either ignored my feelings or picked up feelings from those around me. Now, I have feelings, lots of them and I don't like them all. I get mad, really mad sometimes. This is hard to admit, because I liked not feeling anything. I liked not responding. But not responding, hurts me. It hurts more than standing up for myself. Because I realize who I am. I am a child of God! I am made in His image. So when I let others destroy me I am personally hurting God. His child, whom He loves and sent His Son to die for.

So I respond! But responding with anger? That wasn't part of my plan? I don't like to get angry. And I am afraid of getting angry. What if I get angry with Joslyn and hurt her feelings? What if I screw her up? These are some of the things that this screwed up momma thinks about. So many more what if's and what to do's. But God is working on me about responding with grace. There are many times and instances I do respond with grace. In traffic for instance...

I was riding with a friend a couple of weeks ago. She is a great friend and we always have lots to talk about and we have lots of fun. But, I learned something about her that day. She has road rage. I have heard about this but have never known anyone to have it. I was shocked at some of the things she said while driving and how her whole world was altered by the other drivers. It made me think, at how my responses are still based on others. When Joslyn runs away from me the hundredth time, or takes of her diaper again, or rips up another book, I respond to her actions. But if I am living a life that reflects God then I would respond like Jesus did. And Jesus and God respond with grace.

I wonder if God responded to me the millions of time I ran away the way I do with Joslyn, how I would be? I also wonder how awful my life would be if God never responded to me? Both reactions make me sad and embarassed. I don't want to live a life that deflects God but reflects Him!!! And I have learned that responding with grace is something that I learn over and over. Because God responds to me with grace over and over. Only because of what He did for me, I can do for others. I also learn that God puts people in my life that can help me stay accountable with that. When I respond with grace to something that you are struggling with, you are able to respond with grace for something else. This is how we share God's grace and love, is by helping others. Thank you for responding with grace to me and keeping me accountable. Now I need to go clean up another mess and use wisely this opportunity to respond with grace.

God Breathed Adventure Lists

God-breathed Adventure Lists

The movie "The Bucket List" is a great movie that has inspired thousands if not millions of people to create their own bucket lists. Then they inspired others and so on! While many people I know have encouraged me to create an adventure list, my list was mostly inspired by God.

My life as a young person was designed around fear. Abandoned by my dad at the age of 11, I assumed the role of protector of my family. Risks were something I never took. Too much was riding on me, or so I thought. My younger brother and sister were constantly being chided by me to be careful and stay in the lines. I was trying to create my own safe place in a world full of chaos! But sooner or later my little world was going to crumble. It was a burden that was too heavy for me to carry. Instead of feeling comforted I felt trapped. My safe little box had become a prison!

One of the many things I grasped in Celebrate Recovery was no matter how safe or chaotic my world got, that God had everything in control! He knows my every move before it is thought up in my head. He guides and protects me, even when I step into danger. He holds my life in His hands! I cannot die unless it is His will! I no longer have to live in fear. I do not have to be afraid of what others think about me, because I am fearfully and wonderfully made in His image. I do not have to fear death, because God sent Jesus to die so that I can live forever with God in Heaven. Fear can cripple your life, but God gives us freedom over fear! Living without fear enables me to see God's will.

 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

My adventure list is comprised of many things that pull and tug at that box of fear I have created. Every adventure, whether silly or serious, is an extension of who I want to be and who God wants me to be. To see the many things I want to accomplish in my Adventure List click here. But I really want to challenge you to come up with your own! If you could live life without any fear, what would you do? Or think of it this way, what would you do if you lived like you were dying? How would it feel? What would it look like? Number 98 on my adventure list is to inspire 10 people to start their own lists. Will you be one of them?

A story of Freedom

Freedom is scary! No one I know wants to be locked in a cage. If you ask around, would you prefer to be free or locked up, what do you think they would say? Of course I say I want to be free too! But I wonder if that is really true?

Joslyn, (my 21 month old) is experiencing some freedom issues right now. She can open doors! Oh how this scares mommy and daddy! We never knew how lucky we were when we could close the door and know she could not get out of her room. Or get into the bathroom. Or open the patio door! But now that she has experienced freedom, she wants more! And I can't help but be jealous of her. Life hasn't spoiled her child-like faith yet. Freedom is new, exciting, exhilarating, and not very scary yet. She hasn't gotten stuck in a cage and been told that freedom is impossible, yet. Everyday is still an adventure waiting to be discovered!

But eventually, life breaks our hearts and our spirit for freedom. The Devil uses lies and people to convince us that freedom again isn't possible. That living in the bondage is better and safer. That once we grow accustomed to our chains, that we will be happier on the other side. He teases us with temptations...

"Just look in the window of the room. Just open the door. See the pretty room that has toys that you have only dreamed of. Walk in, it will be fine, you can leave if you want. Just try on the bracelets once, you can take them back off if you want." He tempts you into the room, and eventually you spend all your time there. One day you go to leave and the door is locked. The pretty bracelets that once adorned your arms, turn to chains that rub your skin raw. The valuable toys turn to rubbish and filth. The pretty room is actually a prison with flowery wallpaper. The window is coated with sludge that is so thick you can't dream of looking out. You sit in the dark and pray for a miracle! "How did you get here? Why is this happening to you? What can you do to get out of here?"

Suddenly you hear someone calling your name! His voice is strong and confident! Nothing like the Evil voice that brought you here. A loving voice! It's Jesus! He hears your cries! You sob and say "I'm in here! I can't get out!" He calls to you, but you don't understand Him. He calls again, you start searching the room for the sound! You cry out again! "Jesus, come save me!" He calls again! You realize that you can hear Him better by the window. So you work tirelessly to rub clean the window. The years of filth and grime don't come off easily, but slowly you see improvement. Every swipe of dust lets a little more of His voice in. Every tug of your chains brings you a little bit closer to freedom. Every kick at the door, rusts the locks a little more.

Eventually, you can see out the window! Oh what a sight! People and places that are so beautiful! You see things that seem too good to be true! You almost can make out His voice, but you know that you won't understand Him completely until you get that little window open. Sure it's a small window, you would never be able to fit out of it. But if you could only hear Him, you know He will tell you what to do! He will tell you how to get out! You could call to Him for help! So you work on prying open the window! Slowly day by day you chip away the paint and the cement. You get visits from your captor daily and he showers you with lies. "You aren't worth being saved! You are ugly and unlovable! You are too dirty to be loved by Such a God!" But you have heard God's voice now and you have to open that window! You no longer relish time with your captor, you urn for time with your God! A chance to hear His lovely voice. So you keep chipping away at the window. One glorious day it opens a crack! Hallelujah! You hear His voice in full strength, it is sweet as honey! It almost hurts your lips to say His name but you do! "JESUS! JESUS! JESUS! Help me!"

The people, they hear your pleas! Some turn away because they don't want to see your dirty face. Some cover their ears because they can't stand to hear your painful cries. But others, a few they come over! They peek in the small crack. They say, "We can hear you! We are here!" "I can't get out!", you say. "The door is locked!" "We will help you!", they say. You can hear them tugging at the door handle! So you start kicking the door! Harder and harder til your feet start to bleed. You would give up like before but you hear Jesus calling to you and you hear the voices of the people on the other side trying to get you out. You wonder why they are helping you? They don't know you or what you have done? They won't like you when they can see you? But you keep going. The craving for freedom, out weighs the pain, the temptations, even the captor who is trying to keep you in. You have tasted it and it was good! "CRACK!!!" The door opens! You collapse onto the floor

The light that comes pouring in is blinding! You cannot see anything! But slowly your eyes adjust till you can see the shadows coming to your rescue. Some of them start to work on removing your chains. Some of them bring water and food to your malnourished body. Some of them start to clean and bandage your wounds. But ones that help the most are those that speak to you of Truth. They know that the Captor is yelling at you lies and they sit by your side , trying to drown out his voice. They speak the Words of the Almighty and tell you stories of how they were once like you. "Can it be?, You were once like me?" When your healthy enough to move, they carefully walk you out of the prison. You talk with Jesus daily now and love your time with Him. You relish walking with Him one day. But for now, you get better everyday! Those strangers who helped you escape are now your dearest friends and confidants. They walk with you and talk with you and love you as they are loved by God! The Captor comes around once and a while and he tries to tempt you to going back. But you look down at the scars that slowly heal and at your friends hands which are splintered from the wood of the door. You feel the love of your Savior and you know there is no way you would ever go back. "Get thee away Satan! I am loved, I am worth it, I am perfect in His sight!" And one day you hear a voice! "Help me!" And you smile and run towards the broken voice in the crack....

My new balcony!

"Ding dong the witch is dead, which old which? The wicked witch! Ding Dong the Wicked witch is dead!" sung by the munchkins in the Wizard of OZ!
Don't ask me why that song is stuck in my head? I don't know! What I do know is that I am hearing crash, bang, boom, and country music from 9 to 5 everyday. We live in apartments and the balcony above me is getting a makeover. It wouldn't be so intrusive, except my dogs don't understand why there are shadows crossing our windows all day. Or why that banging outside sounds like a knock at the door. You can see why it might cut me to the bone to hear non stop banging and barking all day.

When they opened up the exterior of the balcony to expose the wood, I was shocked to see how rotted it was. Obviously this is why the remodel is needed, but I never knew before how unstable it really was until someone exposed it. What a synonym of my life. If you were to look at me from the outside before CR you would have thought I was stable, steady and headed on the right path. Besides my obvious eating problem, I was very involved in my church, lived a modest lifestyle, and tried to point people to God whenever I could.

               
But, I was rotting on the inside. Feeling devoid of purpose and really looking to myself to hold up the weight of all my burdens and those around me. I did not even know the damage I had sustained by the weight and pressures that life had left on me on the inside. Celebrate Recovery helped me expose the termites within that were eating away my happiness. It helped me scoop out the rotten wood of the past and replace it with fresh strong boards. God gave me support beams to hold me up like accountability partners, sponsors, and dear Christian friends, that can help me stay strong through even the toughest storms. And slowly he is painting the outside to be a beautiful reflection of Him. I am being transformed! Romans 12:2 says "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."




What a gift it is to see through new eyes! To know that even if my paint cracks or gets weathered that I will be able to stand strong. That I am a creation of His Holiness, the King of Kings, The Perfect One. That He made me from His Hands! That he cherishes me from the tip of my head to the bottom of my toes. And I am not alone! He made you the same! He formed you in His Image! I am starting to see the value of all of His children, because of the change He made in me. The bum on the street corner, is His child! The lady at the grocery store that is holding up the line, was made by the Almighty King! The bully in the school yard is a child of the Almighty God! I used to see people through their sins and their mistakes. But now I can see the hurt and the pain in their lives. This is why I praise this program! God is doing His wonderful works right now, can you see it? Or are you too tired from holding up the weight? Are you blinded by the exterior of others so you can't see the inside? Don't live life painting a rotten board. Lets go play in the sawdust!

P.S. I am giving my testimony tonight at CR, I pray that it will bring someone closer to God. Will you pray that too?

Loopy!

So Joslyn had her first taste of Fruit Loops this morning and she loved them. I debated about buying any of the sugary cereals and keeping them in the house. But I decided a long time ago that I am not going to keep her away from all sweets. It would be impossible anyways, since my husband is a sugar addict. I just have to say that despite the deathly aura that has been hanging around our lives for awhile, we are in pretty good moods. For my friends that don't live in Oklahoma, we have had a record heat wave of like 62 days over 100 degrees in a row. Saturday a cold front moved in and it has been perfect weather ever since. We have been able to open the windows and play outside. She has played at the park and even today went swimming. What a wonderful gift God has given us. At night we need light jackets but because of the lack of water we have had, there is a shortage of mosquitoes! Hallelujah!! So forgive me if I seem a bit loopy. This week I am giving my testimony and singing at Celebrate Recovery. I am excited and nervous to be able to share what God has done in my life. What an opportunity! Thank you all for the kind words, God is so good to give me such wonderful friends! Good night you all!

To Emulate or Not to Emulate

em·u·late

   [v. em-yuh-leyt; adj. em-yuh-lit]  Show IPAverb, -lat·ed, -lat·ing, adjective

verb (used with object)

1.

to try to equal or excel; imitate with effort to equal or surpass: to emulate one's father as a concert violinist (dictionary.com)

I always thought emulate meant copy but when I read the full description I was surprised at the surpass part. Secretly we all want to be better. Better at maintaining our work, better at being a mom, better than our neighbor. Nah, none of us want to better than another person. Right? Well I don't know about you but I fight that urge all the time. 

Common codependent behavior, strive for excellence! Don't let anything keep you from doing your best. Well, I would love to say that I always do my best, but that would be a flat out lie. Nobody can do their best all of the time? I would even risk saying that most people don't even do their best most of the time. 

We tell our kids to do their best but do we prepare them for failure too. If we constantly strive for excellence and then don't get it, what happens? Do you get disappointed? Do you get angry? Do you work harder? 

Unrealistic expectations is a word I hear a lot in Celebrate Recovery. It isn't until I examined my life that I realized I had some unrealistic expectations of people. I expected my husband to shoulder the weight of my issues and my baggage. I didn't even know that I was doing it.  I expected my mom to be able to be there for me anytime I wanted, when my dad left. I didn't consider the toll it took on her and how much she did sacrifice. I realized that I was setting myself up for failure if I strive for excellence in everything and of everyone. 

When someone disappoints us we need to see where we went wrong too. Were we expecting too much out of them? Were we holding that prize a little too high so that it was impossible for them to reach it? I used to do this to a coworker. I didn't mean to always, but she was so hard for me to love. We differed on so much, but what really bothered me about her was what we did the same. Everything was a competition. Who could do their work better. Who had the better car. Who looked better. Who helped others better. What a contradiction to what Christ had done for us. But, I didn't realize why we fought each other. I think I saw things in her that she did that I didn't like and deep down I knew I struggled with the same thing. Her life pointed out my failures on an hourly basis. But instead of working through them I pretended that her faults were the plank and I only had sawdust if any. What a shame! I took a potential friend and child of God and turned them into an enemy. We emulated each other to the breaking point.  

One of my big fears about homeschooling is that I will set unrealistic expectations on Joslyn and not see how I am setting her up to fail. So to combat that I am praying now for guidance and compassion. Forgiveness and boldness. She is very strong willed as a toddler and we struggle through many things right now. From brushing her hair to nap time, even the simplest things can become a battle if I let them. So I try and remember to pick my battles. Is it really important to fight with her about this? If I let her have her way is it going to be dangerous or damaging to her or what we are trying to accomplish? Most importantly, I want to remember that in failing their are lessons too. Like forgiveness, and asking for help, and compassion, and helping others because you have been there too! That is what God designed our lives to be, to help each other. That is why He lets us go through the storm instead of removing it.  

Emulating isn't always bad. It is impossible for us to not copy each other, in my opinion. Sometimes we take someones idea and make it our own or make it better. That is how most things were invented. Joslyn emulates me all the time and every time she does she is learning. Learning word sounds and numbers and emotions and reactions. For example she has learned the word NOW because mommy says pick up your cup Joslyn and when she doesn't do as told, Mommy usually adds the word now with a firm voice. Joslyn will say to me "Cracker! Now! It is funny how you don't even realize the words you say until your toddler says them. After all I picked up my talking habits from emulating those around me. And they emulated someone else. 

I am trying to learn the best home school techniques by emulating the home school mothers I know that do it well. I have gotten on a home school website and look for ideas and tools and tricks of the trade. I follow advise and give advise too. God made us each unique with different situations and different ideas. If we put our ideas together, we can come up with the best ideas. But our ideas won't work for everyone and we have to give credit where credit is due. I try and remember that the idea is no more important than the person. If it is someone's idea I ask and then if they say no, then move on to something else. God will work on their heart and He will work on you too. These are some things that I am learning everyday!