Lead me

LEAD ME - BY SANCTUS REAL

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying


"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?


Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone."


I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying


"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?


Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone."


So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I am called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't you lead me?


To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love
Chasing dreams that I could give up


I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this out home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone


Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone



When I first heard this song I bawled my eyes out. I had always dreamed of a husband that would lead our family God's way. After all I had been a Christian so long it was expected of me to find a husband that would be a Godly man. So when I met and fell in love with John, a non believer my family was shocked. "You will have troubles" I kept hearing. I didn't care at that point, I was so in love and so young. In fact, I was like most young people, you couldn't tell me anything I didn't already know. HA! But when I found that the wedded bliss wore off and I was left wondering, is this it? Is this the rest of my life? Living my life alone? The part where he sings I know we call this our home But I still feel alone, really spoke to me. I did feel alone and I couldn't figure out why. 


Last night, I got my 4 year chip for codependency at Celebrate Recovery and I am so excited! 4 years since I took that blue chip, surrendering our marriage and my part in it. I still remember like yesterday praying to God to just give me the courage to give up control of those things I wanted to change so badly. To live each day in my marriage knowing that God is working in me and my husband and that instead of changing my husband I needed to change. It was a night of true surrender for me and it didn't take long before a peace set in. Let me back up and tell you a few things that needed to change in me and then I can tell you what I've learned. 


It those first few trying years of marriage so much learning is to be done. Learning those annoying habits your spouse has that used to be cute. Learning how your spouse handles tough situations, and learning how they deal with someone new trying to control them. Alright ladies, I know you say not me. I don't try and control him! Yeah right! have you ever caught yourself thinking if he would just do what I ask in a timely matter we wouldn't have an issue?If he would just see it my way? If he would listen to me, I can convince him that I am right? All of these things I thought and would even say to him, not understanding why he thought my way wasn't the best. Marriage for us was a constant power struggle. Me wanting to have him comfortably under my control and have a peaceful home. And him wanting to maintain some freedom and decision making and have his dutiful wife submitting to him. Both of us were sadly mistaken. Now our situation was not uncommon. When I started going to Celebrate Recovery small group I heard woman after woman saying the same things with different situations. Whatever the issue was we just wanted it done our way and all we could see was our side of the situation. Only when God helped me to notice my inadequacies  in the marriage did my view change. I learned a phrase called unrealistic expectations. I had those for my husband. I expected him to perfectly balance his time between his work and our home. I expected him to be there for me spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically and to never let me down in those areas. If he did let me down I would hold it over his head. Then I would cry and moan about how hard my life was living with someone who did not get me. I learned that my old fears of abandonment played havoc with my new home and that I was terrified of being left alone. I knew I wasn't perfect but I never thought that I was hard to live  with. After all my friends and family loved me, I was a nice church goer, I was kind and considerate. So why wasn't it working. Why did I dream of running away everytime things go too hard? Why couldn't my husband and I hear each other even though we were begging to be heard? 


Going through the Celebrate Recovery step study helped me to sort out those old feelings and emotions that crept up from the past and threatened to ruin my marriage. The questions helped me figure out why I reacted certain ways when my life wasn't easy. I began to see patterns in my life that kept me on a path of fear instead of stepping out in faith. I saw how I really kept God at a safe distance in case he turned out to be like my earthly father and let me down. I saw clearly the expectations I had for my husband and realized that no one could live up to those standards. Not even me! I gained tools to use when life got scary on how to turn to God instead of relying on my husband or myself. I really started understanding that my husband had a history and baggage like i did, and now was interested in his side of the story and why he does things the way he does. 


So I bet you are wondering how our marriage is now. Well this isn't a fairy tale we didn't live happily ever after. But we do live much happier! I can tell you that the peace and contentment is much more present in this marriage. yes we still disagree occasionally but no longer do I dream of running away. Rarely do we have a fight that doesn't get resolved right away. I don't go to bed angry with him any more. I don't hold grudges with him. And we have had more conversations then we have ever had and I actually listen to his side and when he listens to me he hears me! This is a great thing, ya'll! And it is all because I let God lead me, and I know that with my heart he really will take care of the rest. He knows my desires and fears, he knows my future and cares about every little thing. When I lean on Him things are easier, He carries my burdens. Maybe one day my husband and I will pray together and church and tithing will be a shared vision. Maybe one day we will live our lives completely on faith in Him. But until then, I trust that God is working and thank him for what I do have, a wonderful husband that does love me and takes care of his family to the best of his ability.