Valentine's Day

This year for Valentine's day John surprised me with some chocolate covered strawberries and a wonderful note that brought me to tears and I surprised him with a big package of new socks. But we were supposed to go to a Valentine's Murder mystery dinner put together by our youth for our Valentine's Day gifts to each other.

For me the romance of Valentine's Day has faded into a peaceful contentment that is so much better than the lustful years of before. No longer do I desire my husband to sweep me off my feet with the perfect gift and the even more perfect attitude. I have talked before about unrealistic expectations and how they can lead to disaster. That perfect gift can never be found and your spouse will either stop trying to find it and resent you or break his spirit and your bank account looking. I remember spending the days before Valentine's Day hoping that John would show up with a token that would esteem his love for me and that he would then carry me into the bed room and all would be perfect! But alas my husband would either show up with a trifle gift that would cause doubt in my mind that he really loved me. After all couldn't he get the twenty or so hints that I had dropped the week before? Didn't he understand how much was riding on this gift?

Unfortunately, that was me up there, embarrassed as I must admit. Not knowing that I was holding my husband to an impossible standard. After all I hadn't purchased the hubby version that read minds or came with a prince charming romance card. My prince charming was just a man! A strong and wonderful man that was showing his love to me everyday and wondering why it was never enough. Wasn't working incredibly hard to provide what I needed and wanted and then trying everyday to figure out what I really wanted enough? Needless did he know that I couldn't tell him what I wanted if he did have the gall to ask.
My heart and mind fought over the truth of what I wanted and needed. I didn't need the gift that I longed for that day but the love and acceptance that i thought it would provide for me. I didn't want my bank account to be in the toilet just for a gift that would sit on my shelf a week later. I wanted a promise that he would always be there for me, love me like the the best love story heroes did, and fill all the holes in my heart that the world had put there. Of course he couldn't and can't fulfill any of these things!

Only God can give me the everlasting love that I desire, He will never leave me or abandon me. Only God can know my deepest desires and secrets and provide the heroic awesome love story I long to be in. And only God can heal the wounds and hurts that sin and darkness put in my life.
Once I realized what I was really longing for I set out to change it. Notice I said it not him. I decided I would seek God for those things that I longed for and a true miracle happened. God started showing me what an amazing gift in a husband He had given me.  How although I could not control that he would never leave me, pending I find a way to cheat death, I could count on a man that would work harder than I would to stay by my side. And although my robot husband was not prince charming, he would look for more and more ways to show me his love even when i didn't deserve it. And the biggest gift was that he would support me in my attempts to fill those holes in my heart, by not complaining of the endless nights I would spend in Celebrate Recovery and handling with caution the broken mess I was and am.

Slowly I noticed the changes in him. He started communicating with me more and that opened up so much room for healing in our marriage. One of the sweetest things I have seen in a long time is the healing of a marriage of some friends of mine. As I watch God restore what is broken in their lives I am reminded of how much God has restored in my marriage and in me. But I had to get to that broken place before I let him fix it. I had to let go of the control.

So I challenge you today to look at the expectations you have for your loved ones. Are you holding them to standards that only God can fill? And if so, isn't it worth the opportunity to heal for you to let go?

12 year anniversary!

Today I celebrate my 12 years anniversary with my husband. I wanted to dedicate a post just to him. So here it goes.

When John and I stood up in front of God and our family and friends to take that first kiss as husband and wife, I whispered something to him. Two little words: No tongue!!! To this day he will not let me live that moment down. My hubby is a jokester! His way of getting attention or calming down a situation is to make a joke. I am mrs. serious and I hate having attention drawn to me especially if it is a crowd of people. John loves attention and being the center of it. He naturally draws the attention of the room.

Being complete opposites really has been a challenge sometimes. We have had to compromise on about every decision we have made together because naturally we choose different sides of the spectrum. But it has also been an amazing gift. John makes me see the world in a different way. He has amazing faith in me that I could never have in myself. He likes things to be just so and I like to go with the flow. But he is very open to risks and new things and can be very spontaneous if he wants to be. I am more of a "lets not change things if it ain't broke" kinda girl. I am allergic to adrenaline according to him and he is right. He is one of the major reasons I decided to do an adventure list. John has always had the ability to bounce back from a tough situation and he works so hard and believes in the power of working hard. I am very lazy. I will wait till the last minute to do the things I don't want to do, John would rather get it over with. He challenges me to be a better person.

 If John and I were types of candy, I would be the soft chewy caramel and he would be a blow pop! Hard on the outside but once you got to the middle you found the good sweet stuff. His life has been hard and so he tends to be hard to get to like, but if you take the time to know him, you know that he would do anything for you. Most of my immediate family has lived with us and that would be too much for some husbands. In fact out of the 12 years we have been married maybe 3 or 4 of those we have actually lived alone. John not only put up with my family living with us but suggested it when someone needed a place to stay. He has such a big heart.

Seeing John as a dad has been the single most amazing gift of our marriage. As where I was a shoo-in to be a great mom, I think most people doubted John's ability to be a great dad. And I have to say that he truly far exceeds me in the great parent award! He is so patient with Joslyn, where in I tend to be short on patience with her. He is fun and interactive and gives her lots of his undivided attention. Anytime I am overwhelmed with life living with a toddler, he has the ability to help me face another day.

 I am so grateful that I don't have to do this thing called life alone. I truly believe that God designed us to be together. We compliment each other and stand up for each other. One thing we always said was that divorce was not an option and we stick to that like glue. Any problem arises we deal with it together. I am not the easiest person to live with and neither is he. But everyday we seem to handle issues a little bit better and we have a little more respect for each other. I love him so much!

 Thank you John for loving me, and I love you so much more everyday.