Crossing the lines

I would like you to do something for me, please. Look around at your neighborhood. Go look out the window and tell me what you see? Do you consider your neighborhood safe? Do you have items in your home to keep you safe?

I will tell you what I see. I have a lock bar sitting by my door, to put up at night. I look across the courtyard and see children unsupervised play fighting with sticks. Probably too young to be out by themselves. If I were to look down the street, I would see run down houses with unkempt yards and mangy dogs. Right down the street in walking distance is an elementary school, which is enclosed by gates and bars. So would you think that by what I describe that we are safe? I say yes and let me tell you why.

When we moved here in April of last year, I got a lot of comments about the neighborhood. Is that a safe area? I hear about a lot of violence in that area! And my favorite is I hope you don't get broken into! Of course being a young mother I was concerned about the safety of my little girl. But God has taught me so much about safety in the last couple years.

1. My safety is always in the hands of my Savior!
It breaks my heart to hear of Christians worrying themselves sick over loved ones who are away from them. I remember being newly married and being in a immobilizing depression because my husband was away from me. Will he be safe when he flies on the plane or drives over the road as a truck driver. My stomach acids would churn and I would be sick for hours with worrry. It took me a lot of time to realize that God had his hands on my loved one, whether or not I did. A soldier over seas is no more in danger of dying than he is here. Why? Because our God is that big! He doesn't just cover a certain area with His hands and say if you go over there it is out of His reach! Yet we wouldn't be human if we didn't worry. But what we are telling God is that I don't think you can handle the safety of my loved one, so I am going to keep close eye on him incase.

2. Being safe not stupid.
Now does this mean I should let my daughter play in traffic? Probably not! Okay Okay NO! But when does it cross the life from trusting God and being stupid? First of all you have to have a trust in God to even understand what I am saying. I mean fully trusting God! I think of missionaries when I write this. I recently have met a precious blogger named Amy, who adopted 5 children from other countries, 2 from Guatemala. Then the country of Guatemala closed for adoption, so what does her family do? They move there! God told them to go and serve at the orphanage called Eagle's Nest and they went. Were they concerned about moving their 9(count em) 9 kids to Guatemala and the safety, I'm sure that they were a little. But when God says go, he not only provides a way He protects and blesses. The work that they do in Eagle's Nest is not only beneficial to the orphans, but a complete blessing to them. And as a side note all who read her blog are blessed also! When we are doing God's will, it isn't about where or when or how, it's about yes or no. And when we ask God to use us as a blessing and as His hands and feet, we need to follow where He leads. Many times when we do something and aren't protected, it is because we are following our own selfish wants and needs and not His will. It's all about having the connection with God and waiting for His lead. Just ask and you will be blessed for it.

3. When our kids are concerned.
I have to talk about schools for a minute. And I know that I am probably going to get a lot of heat about this and I am prepared for that. It does not matter what school you go to! Let me explain. I was raised in the mean streets of Dallas. My 7th grade year I was one of 5 white kids in my school. There were 9 permanent cop cars parked at my middle school and they were always busy arresting kids with guns and knifes. My mother walked to work at night in this neighborhood to the hospital and me and my younger brother and sister were at home alone. Before my mother left each night she would pray a prayer of protection over the house and herself and trust that God would take care of us. And He did, I never even heard the word drugs until I was 21 and we were robbed a couple of times, but it was always stuff we didn't need and we were never home at the time. Because of my upbringing, it was always apparent at an early age how much God took care of us. While my peers struggled with material and worldly issues, I struggled with spiritual issues. I am not trying to elevate myself at all, I am saying this to help you realize what God has revealed to me. Here it is, if you are concerned with worldly issues then it matters where you live and what schools your kids go to, if you are concerned with your children becoming Godly children then it only matters where God tells you to go. I wonder where Mother Teresa went to school and if she would have been sent to the best schools with the best teachers if she would have had time to consider a lifestyle like God had planned for her? I am not saying at all that it is wrong to send your kid to a great school. But if your attitude is that your child cannot be the best that God has called him to be in this school or that school, then your motives are probably wrong. Hate me or not, I believe this to be true. God may want your child to be a doctor or He may want your child to start a street church, it is about His will and not ours.

So there it is! I am ready so bring on the comments. Are you willing to stay safe or are you willing to cross the lines into faith?

How we are doing!

Well I thought I would do a slight update on my 6 goals. Since I am less than 3 years away from my goals, things look a little daunting. But even though, I am excited about my progress. God is slowly working in me changing the way I think and act. I have seen such progress in myself since I started this blog almost 2 years ago. Yes two years! In April it will be two years exactly and although, my blog sometimes veers off track I really believe that my original goals that I just jotted down are the things that God is working with me on. Now I am not blogging because I am a new mom with so many new experiences that I NEED an outlet. I am blogging with the full purpose of reaching others through Christ as He changes my quality of life.
1. Lose 150 lbs. Well I haven't accomplished this goal and since I haven't been weighing myself, I can't tell if I have lost anything. But, for the first time in my life I am getting up and going to the gym without outside motivation and I am addicted to a certain yoga class. In fact though I am the fattest girl in there, I feel like I belong, and that I am accomplishing more and more. Today I bought my first yoga mat and I feel like a proud yogaee (Is that a word?)! I remember when my friend Abby bought her first hiking pack and her excitement that she really was becoming a hiker. I feel that since of accomplishment, and I am hoping that eventually I will have that much success! I have to believe that!

2.Go green. Truthfully I have no idea where God is headed with us on this, since we had to move from country, where we could of had a garden and stored half of a cow and done many other green things, to an apartment. My goal is to try and start a small and I mean really small container garden of herbs this spring on my little porch. If I can keep those alive, then we will see about more. We have been recycling like crazy though. My hubby gets sick of the bags of recycled plastics, paper and tin cans that I collect. I try and take them every week because we litterally have no room to store them. But it is amazing to me how much stuff we could have been recycling all these years and didn't. My trash can doesn't have to be emptied as often and we recycle glass jars for my craft collection. We also collect those baby wipe containers and the plastic round big ice cream buckets for homeschool and craft stuff.

3.Become adventurous. On my list of 150 new things to try I have accomplished 15. And number 14 was completed the other day, because my passport has arrived. It is in a blue shiny new book and it looks so wonderful and it is so pretty! Just have to use it! When I look at the amount of time left and my still growing list of stuff to do I am bummed.  But when I remember how special some of my adventures have been and how they have slowly gotten me out of my comfort zone. Like when I walked on eggshells to remember that I would never again walk on eggshells for anyone. Or when I had my first food fight! So I know that God is really changing me through each small adventure and each time I meet new people and feel a little more confident about who God made me to be! Always stay tuned for more adventures, sometimes I schedule them and sometimes they just happen.

4.Enrich my marriage. Well I am feeling much more confident about this goal then some of the others. God has really blessed me in this department. And the reason I say this is not because I have been working on it. REALLY!!! When I took my first blue chip in CR over 4 years ago, I surrendered my marriage. And really I don't have much trouble with trying to take control over my marriage anymore. I think one of the best reasons is because I am so open about me being in recovery for codependency. I have changed so much in the ways I try and conrol others and my situations. And with me being so open about my vulnerablity I have seen amazing changes in my hubby. He is much more open with me too! Our communication has never been better and although we still have troubles like other couples do, we seem to be able to have the tools to handle them. I also have really been humbled by my friend's marriages ending and marriages mending. It makes it really easy to value what you have when you have watched your friends lose what they love.

5.Teach Joslyn to enjoy life and love others by example. Ouch this is one I really need to work on. Since I really struggle with this stage of Joslyn's life, I have trouble viewing my progress on this. And we have gone back and forth about homeschooling which would give me more time to teach her. But I think that she is going to grow up to be a very respectful young woman and I already see the love capability in her. And as far as enjoying life I know that she will. I know that providing everything a child wants does not make them happy. And happiness is not the same as joyfulness. Happiness is temporary. But I do believe that she will be reasonably happy. She has a very active imagination! My imagination has always helped me out in boring times, especially in high school, where I had my visions of my dream husbands planned down to the color of the carpet and the shoes on their feet. She is a very active child. I plan on keeping her with an active lifestyle and helping her as much as possible to not have my food addiction and laziness. And she is so curious. Although curiousity usually leads kids to trouble, it also brings them to try new things and experience life in a way I strive to!

6. Grow closer to God. Well that is apparant even to me! I feel with each new experience and each new trial God is pulling me closer and knocking down those walls I have built between us. Reading the entire Bible is something I plan on starting soon. But starting a new ministry is something I never knew that would happen and it has. Corinthian Writers is growing and we are now looking to expand and start adding writers to our group. Why because up until now God has provided each writer and girl as needed and we are so blessed for that. But He is showing us that we need to take a leap of faith and start ministering to a certain group home. I won't mention the home yet until it is finalized (we are in the beginning stages now) but we will require many more devoted ladies and gents that would like to commit to writing a hand written letter a month to a girl or boy that could use some encouragement. Some of the stipulations are that you need to have a strong faith in the Lord and you would need to take this ministry very seriously as we do, wanting to encourage and not destroy and lead to the Lord not away from the Lord. So it doesn't matter where you live, but if you would pray about this and see if this ministry is something you need to be involved in, then please contact me.

Thank you again for all of your comments and support as I continue on this path of enlightenment. My question for you would be: have you seen a change in me since you have started reading and what do you look forward to me accomplishing most on my goals? Have a great week!

Lead me

LEAD ME - BY SANCTUS REAL

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying


"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?


Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone."


I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying


"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?


Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone."


So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I am called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't you lead me?


To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love
Chasing dreams that I could give up


I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this out home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone


Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone



When I first heard this song I bawled my eyes out. I had always dreamed of a husband that would lead our family God's way. After all I had been a Christian so long it was expected of me to find a husband that would be a Godly man. So when I met and fell in love with John, a non believer my family was shocked. "You will have troubles" I kept hearing. I didn't care at that point, I was so in love and so young. In fact, I was like most young people, you couldn't tell me anything I didn't already know. HA! But when I found that the wedded bliss wore off and I was left wondering, is this it? Is this the rest of my life? Living my life alone? The part where he sings I know we call this our home But I still feel alone, really spoke to me. I did feel alone and I couldn't figure out why. 


Last night, I got my 4 year chip for codependency at Celebrate Recovery and I am so excited! 4 years since I took that blue chip, surrendering our marriage and my part in it. I still remember like yesterday praying to God to just give me the courage to give up control of those things I wanted to change so badly. To live each day in my marriage knowing that God is working in me and my husband and that instead of changing my husband I needed to change. It was a night of true surrender for me and it didn't take long before a peace set in. Let me back up and tell you a few things that needed to change in me and then I can tell you what I've learned. 


It those first few trying years of marriage so much learning is to be done. Learning those annoying habits your spouse has that used to be cute. Learning how your spouse handles tough situations, and learning how they deal with someone new trying to control them. Alright ladies, I know you say not me. I don't try and control him! Yeah right! have you ever caught yourself thinking if he would just do what I ask in a timely matter we wouldn't have an issue?If he would just see it my way? If he would listen to me, I can convince him that I am right? All of these things I thought and would even say to him, not understanding why he thought my way wasn't the best. Marriage for us was a constant power struggle. Me wanting to have him comfortably under my control and have a peaceful home. And him wanting to maintain some freedom and decision making and have his dutiful wife submitting to him. Both of us were sadly mistaken. Now our situation was not uncommon. When I started going to Celebrate Recovery small group I heard woman after woman saying the same things with different situations. Whatever the issue was we just wanted it done our way and all we could see was our side of the situation. Only when God helped me to notice my inadequacies  in the marriage did my view change. I learned a phrase called unrealistic expectations. I had those for my husband. I expected him to perfectly balance his time between his work and our home. I expected him to be there for me spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically and to never let me down in those areas. If he did let me down I would hold it over his head. Then I would cry and moan about how hard my life was living with someone who did not get me. I learned that my old fears of abandonment played havoc with my new home and that I was terrified of being left alone. I knew I wasn't perfect but I never thought that I was hard to live  with. After all my friends and family loved me, I was a nice church goer, I was kind and considerate. So why wasn't it working. Why did I dream of running away everytime things go too hard? Why couldn't my husband and I hear each other even though we were begging to be heard? 


Going through the Celebrate Recovery step study helped me to sort out those old feelings and emotions that crept up from the past and threatened to ruin my marriage. The questions helped me figure out why I reacted certain ways when my life wasn't easy. I began to see patterns in my life that kept me on a path of fear instead of stepping out in faith. I saw how I really kept God at a safe distance in case he turned out to be like my earthly father and let me down. I saw clearly the expectations I had for my husband and realized that no one could live up to those standards. Not even me! I gained tools to use when life got scary on how to turn to God instead of relying on my husband or myself. I really started understanding that my husband had a history and baggage like i did, and now was interested in his side of the story and why he does things the way he does. 


So I bet you are wondering how our marriage is now. Well this isn't a fairy tale we didn't live happily ever after. But we do live much happier! I can tell you that the peace and contentment is much more present in this marriage. yes we still disagree occasionally but no longer do I dream of running away. Rarely do we have a fight that doesn't get resolved right away. I don't go to bed angry with him any more. I don't hold grudges with him. And we have had more conversations then we have ever had and I actually listen to his side and when he listens to me he hears me! This is a great thing, ya'll! And it is all because I let God lead me, and I know that with my heart he really will take care of the rest. He knows my desires and fears, he knows my future and cares about every little thing. When I lean on Him things are easier, He carries my burdens. Maybe one day my husband and I will pray together and church and tithing will be a shared vision. Maybe one day we will live our lives completely on faith in Him. But until then, I trust that God is working and thank him for what I do have, a wonderful husband that does love me and takes care of his family to the best of his ability. 

Happily Ever After!

John and I 2011

"For to share a life of endless bliss, just find who you love and true love's kiss!" (sung by Giselle in Enchanted).

"Everyone wants to live happily ever after!" That is true Giselle, we all do want to live happily ever after. But is it possible? During the movie Enchanted, Robert played by the divine Patrick Dempsey, wonders this too. He is skeptical of the idea of happily ever after because he trusted and got hurt. And after a journey of discovery and trials, he was able to find it. I think this is a lot like our lives.

When I was 20 I was taking college classes and working at Chick-Fil-A. I remember coming home one day from work, smelling of chicken and feeling  icky. I just got off the bus and walked across the street to my house. I noticed the boy next door working on his motorcycle and he stopped to talk to me. We were chatting about our likes and dislikes and he asked me if I would like to go play pool with him the next day. I was stunned, he quickly added just as friends, so I said yes. You see I had a very bad view of guys. After all my dad had abandoned my family, so I assumed that every guy was like that. I also had very bad self esteem. I had been overweight since I hit puberty, so any attention I got from a guy had to be suspect. Why would anyone really want to love me? In fact in school any guy that paid me true attention were the ones I had crushes on. I never dreamed or crushed on the cutest guys in school like everyone else. But I would dream and write our names in hearts for the guys that were my friends. Guys that saw me as a person not a fat girl. But it was one thing to dream and pretend that we were true loves, it was another thing to live it out. Anytime a guy would actually get close to me and want something more than friendship, I would get so scared! I ran! Everytime! One time I actually dropped my books and ran away after a guy asked me out by my locker, leaving my books and his heart on the floor. I was so ashamed, but my fear was bigger than my pride. I couldn't risk my broken heart to broken more.

John on his motorcycle with my nephew Lucian

So when John asked me on a date I was grinning from ear to ear, but my mind was already thinking how I could get out of it. My sister asked why I was so happy in a smug little voice, and I said "the boy next door asked me out on a date". She said "there is a boy next door?" I felt the same way, we had actually lived at this house for about a year and I had never noticed him before. You see we moved every year sometimes twice a year and I was used to not getting to know the neighbors. I rarely made friends because I was too used to having to leave my friends behind! So when I told my mom about the boy next door she encouraged me to go, after all it was just as friends. So I went and really had a good time. We went to Coach's and I was hoping that he would put his arms around me and "teach me" to play pool. But he was a perfect gentleman! After the date he offered a ride on his motorcycle and I accepted after much debate. But I was shaking like a leaf and I don't know if it was from being on a bike or having my arms around him. We went back to our separate homes without a goodnight kiss though. So I didn't know what to think. We he asked me to hang out with him and some of his friends a couple days later I was even more confused. His friends weren't very friendly. He was a gamer and his friends were all gamers too. I wonder if they had even seen a girl before. They were busy playing games like D&D and World of Warcraft. This was a new world to me, and I felt really out of place. After all I had been taught that D&D was a devil game like ouija boards.

 So the second date was bad and I was ready to stop playing around. I had decided that if he were to ask me out again that I would break it off. I was going away for the summer to work at a girl scout camp in Illinois and that was a week away. So he asked me out to see a movie and we went to see Godzilla. Wow that was so long ago! And during the movie he held my hand. When he dropped me off he tried to kiss me and I turned away. I told him that I was leaving for Illinois in a few days and gave him the address. I told him that I would love for him to write me. I never expected he would.

John's senior picture

I wasn't at camp long before I got my first  letter. He had typed it on his computer. I was shocked! So I wrote back and we continued writing. At first the letters were small talk, but after awhile we started to talk about the deeper things in our lives. Like how we both had been hurt before and that if we were ever to get married it would be for life. I love putting stickers on my letters and I would cover the letters with stickers that matched the topic and sometimes I would sneak in a heart sticker. Then he started adding clip art to his letters  and when he put the first heart on his letter my heart swooned! One magical night after watching Hope Floats with the girls, I got up the nerve to call him. It was really late like 1 o'clock in the morning. He groggily answered and after I made small talk as long as I could, I stumbled out I love you bye! He told me later that he did a double take through the phone. I love you's came easier after that and when I finally got home our first date ended with the most magical kiss. It is history after that.

So is it Happily ever after? Well yes and no! No because every day is not always happy. we have bad days and good days. Great days and horrible days. But life together is happy. I believe that only is a result of our dedication to each other and my dedication to God. He helps us work through the hurt and the pain so we can see the beauty of the life He has given us. One day in heaven there will be a for sure happily ever after but  right now we can enjoy the journey of the love He gives us everyday and the people He has put in our lives. I have found my prince and that is only because of my King!

Wanting More

"I've got gadgets and gizmo's a plenty. I've got whose-its and whats-its galore. You want thing-a-mabobs? I've got 20! But who cares, no big deal, I want more!" (sung by the Little Mermaid)

It's true! Wanting more is an everyday part of my life. Heck I have a toddler in the house! More is a word I hear very often. More Barney, more Bear in the Big Blue House, more tookies (cookies)! When I think about how much she wants more of, I am reminded of my own wants.

More Food!

I guess it started when I was 11, my dad left and suddenly my wants were increased. I wanted more time with my dad, he was off on one of his absences. I wanted more time with my mom, she was busy working 2 jobs to support us. I wanted more play time, I was now responsible for cooking cleaning and taking care off my brother and sister. So instead of getting what I wanted I settled for food. We were poor, but between food stamps and church assistance, we always had food in the house. Usually junk food, I did most of the shopping. Or what I like to call poor people food. Hot-dogs, mac-n-cheese, hamburger helper, and other processed goodies. So I would eat to calm my nerves and satisfy that craving that wasn't getting fulfilled. I have kept up the poor mans diet, my whole life because it was comforting. It was cheap and it was easy. Now that I am learning about my food addiction, I am wanting to change this habit of wanting more food. I remember panicking if I didn't have money for lunch. Literally crying and breaking down at the thought of missing a meal. I know that is emotional and spiritual damage that has to be repaired.

 The sermon on Sunday was about the crippled man at the well found in John 5: 1-5. Jesus asks the man "Do you want to get well?"
This has always been revealing to me, because when we want to change something enough, we find a way to do it. And if we haven't changed something yet, we probably don't want to really change. This is true for me too! Someone once said, "I am living in hell, but I know the streets here." Changing your life can been scarier then actually living in your pain. We are afraid of the unknown. Anyways, the pastor outlined some ways to help us change.

1. Believe in yourself
 I believe in the Power of God to help me make my change. I believe in the programs God gave me to help me stay on His Godly track, Celebrate Recovery and Overeaters Anonymus. I believe that my accountability partners and sponsors are only doing good when they support me, sometimes saying things that I don't like. I believe in myself, God made me beautiful and wonderful, talented and smart, I can do this!

2. Take the initiative
I will finish my food plan this week and have a menu finished. I will make a detailed shopping list with the healthy items on it. I will make an appointment with a nutritionist in my church and find out ways to amp up my workout and healthy eating plan. I will put it out on Facebook looking for women to workout with me during the days. I will post prayers and Bible verses around the house to keep me motivated.

3. Take Action
I will workout twice a week at least whether or not I have someone to workout with. I will maintain a loose schedule to help me stay on track. I will call someone everyday, for the first 2 weeks of my plan and have them hold me accountable for my daily eating. I will commit to read my Bible or listen to my Audio bible everyday.

4. Stay Humble
I will remember that God is the one making the change in me and that only with His help will I succeed. I will take time to write in my journal and blog about the wonderful things He is doing in my life.


So there is one more thing I wanted to mention about wanting more. I believe that God has given me this feeling for a good reason. I just need to want more of the right stuff. I want more opportunities to share His Love. I want more adventures. I want more blog followers! So I have taken the initiative to invite a dear friend to guest post on my blog. We should have the post up soon so keep checking back because I know you will love her as much as I do!

Toddlerhood! The Helpers

So I haven't posted about my child in awhile so I guess I will update my blogging friends about my princess. Right now we are dealing with a little thing I like to call toddlerhood! It's like an alternate universe where my precious little angel turns into a manipulating little devil! Lol, Okay it isn't really that bad. I hear my friends say oh I miss this stage and I look at them like they are crazy. Yes she is smart and learning at an amazing rate. She is curious and sassy, which I guess can be amusing to outsiders. But it is the testing of limits, the tantrums, the teething, the temperatures. Ultimately its about control! Or lack of it.

This is a stage in her life that I was hoping to feel more in control of my daughter. But if there is one thing I am learning about my walk with the Lord also known as my recovery of my sinful nature, that God wants me to surrender control. Control of her life and control of mine. If I could teach her anything I would want it to be that. When I am feeling completely out of control of a situation, God always finds a way to remind me of the wonderful people and tools he has surrounded me with to help. Some of those people are:
Moms! 
Whether they are my blood relatives, or God appointed moms, I couldn't be more grateful for them. My real mom is the best of course! She is amazing and wonderful wrapped up with a side of perfect. She is literally my spiritual mentor. I know that if I have a question about God or the Bible or everyday life, she always has a godly answer. Everyone needs one of those. My MIL=Mother in Law is also amazing. She is sweet and smart and bold. She gives practical advise and she challenges me to do the parenting things that I am afraid to do. She takes Joslyn for overnights and makes John and I have date nights so that we stay sane. My Marcie is a God appointed mom to me. She is my solace. My peace giver, I can go to Marcie and rest in her arms. Something that I would also do with my real mom, if mom were closer. She helps me with the mundane and tiresome things in life. Like laundry and when I am sick she is someone I can always count on. I am so grateful for her help. All of these moms are the best example of God's gifts. They are unique in their perspectives and wisdom. Thank you God for the wise women you have put in mine and Joslyn's lives.

Men!
Okay I know that sometimes they are more trouble then they are a help. But I wouldn't be half the woman I am without the men in my life. My dad and I have had a rough go at this life thing, but I have to give him props. He has taught me a lot about tough love and if it weren't for him I wouldn't have experienced the freedom and wisdom that forgiveness brings. And sometimes he is just plain funny! My husband. Caring, loving, tender are words that none of my friends would use to describe him. On the outside my husband is bold, gruff and sometimes harsh. But when he holds his daughter or deals with me we see the beauty that God gave him, his heart. This world has been tough on my men, burdening them with sorrows and pain. The world lashes at them and makes them carry too much. It is never okay in the world for them to release the pain or drop the burden at someone else's feet. They are content to carry their burdens and ours. I will be forever grateful for their daily sacrifices.

Friends!
How do I describe some of these people? Well I will start with my greatest friend. Her real name is Tanya but  I know her by Greenie. She has been a light in my life that has never wavered. We have known each other for 13 years and I can say for that whole time, not once have I ever questioned our friendship. She is the most intelligent person I know. She has a heart of gold and I can not compare anyone else to her. She is so unique! Beautiful on the outside as well as on the inside. I can clearly say that she is my soul mate. She has always known what I was needing or thinking. We are like twins in the soul. She is Joslyn's godmother and is the one person outside of John or my family that I would trust with Joslyn's well being.  Abby is a friend that I have made through Greenie. She was someone who God brought into my life whom I thought I needed to help, but turns out that she helped me. When she moved to Oklahoma I was glad to have a connection to Greenie through her. But it turned out that we had so much in common, yet we were so different. She made me think about life differently. She has such a passion for life and a sense of adventure. She has helped me come up with many of my adventures on my list. My sister Deb is a true friend in every since of the word. I have fought and struggled, laughed and loved her since she was born. I am older, but she is more street wise. She would have been vote the most likely to survive in my yearbook. She has always been very bold and smart yet she has a tender heart and is a great mom. I love watching her with my nephew and my daughter. Beth is another woman that God has placed in mine and Joslyn's life that is a true wonder. I could never have thought that there would be a perfect person for my brother, or a perfect addition to our family. Beth personifies both. Her humor and outlook on life is so beautiful. She is a wonderful aunt to her nephew and niece and a wonderful wife to my brother. I enjoy her blogs and she made me realize that blogging can be fun and exciting! I am super excited to announce that I am going to be an aunt again. My brother and his lovely wife are expecting!!! So please stop by her blog and send her well wishes!

These are just some of the wonderful people that God has put in my life to help me see the good side of the toddler years! Who has God put into your life, through the difficult times in your life?

Pride! Watch out I am on my soapbox again!

Pride! That words shivers through my body when I say it. It is something that I have struggled with and it is something that most people struggle with. In fact I will go out on a limb and say that I think every person struggles with it. Pride for your school is good, pride in your soul is another thing. The worst thing about pride is it hides inside where you can't see it and when it does show up, it rarely comes out without doing vast amount of damage. To you to others and to your relationship with God. How can we follow in Christ's footsteps when we have pride in our hearts? Well Christ is the key to evicting pride out of your life.
The biggest place pride is evident to me is when I talk about Celebrate Recovery. Oh you go out and hang with those people? No one says that to my face, but sometimes it is evident on their face. When I first heard about Celebrate Recovery I thought things like: I don't have any problems like that!  Isn't that for addicts? I am too busy! On and on excuses! Please don't get me wrong, I am not judging anyone out there, whether they go to CR or not. But I want to explain how CR opened my eyes to a whole new side of God's love. I want everyone to feel that love and acceptance that I do when I go there. I want everyone to know how good it can feel to hang out with other believers despite their background. I want everyone to cry when they hear the testimonies of people who have been through hell on earth and have not only survived but have triumphed because of God's grace. I want everyone to see what being on the otherside of the fence looks like. How ex convicts are reaching others still in prison. How people who have been addicted are now helping others stay sober. How those who have grieved for years are seeing the Son shine again and are experiencing joy. How people that have been angry and bitter for a long time feel the freedom of forgiveness. And how those who struggle with pride are brought down to their knees in humility in the presence of God's grace. His loving grace! That is how I feel when I am there. I cry, I laugh, I share, I open up, I recieve, every time! Don't you want to feel like that?
Did you know that Jesus held recovery meetings all the time? He was the one eating with the sinners. He was washing the feet of some prideful people. He ate with people who were unbearable to others. He touched the lepers. Oh to be in His presence! What a feeling it must have been. But i feel like I am with Him when I am there. I have been to many churches and I have felt like that many times. but sometimes that feeling can be drowned out by all the rules and regulations. By all the standards you hold yourself and others too. By expectations! What do you expect out of church? What do you expect out of God? What do you expect from your family? From your job? From your friends? From yourself? What happens when these expectations are not met? Your reactions to life are a good compass to see how you are doing spiritually. Especially for those stubborn hard to see sins. Sloth, gluttony, envy, pride, anger, wrath, lust. Those aren't as evident as some of the sins we hold others accountable to. Murder, stealing, homosexuality, adultery, pornography. The world is very judgemental to those with "the big sins", but it is accepting and forgiving for those "little sins". Well God sees all sins as the same. And we should too. All sins keep us from God. From feeling His love as deep, from hearing His voice as loud, and from doing His will as well as we were meant to. But God also gave us a way to be free from our sins. I have found that any hurt, habit or hang up can be overcome with God! And Celebrate Recovery is one of the places that can help you do that. It is also a way you can use your God given talents and share your story to help others. Our job is to spread the good news to others. This is so easy to do when you are on God's path. Is Celebrate Recovery for you? I hope so. I love you so much and I would love for us to walk this path together!

Changing your playmates and playthings

When I first stepped into CR I heard a saying " You've got to change your playground, playmates and play things". I was confused, what did this mean? As kids we love new playgrounds. New places to explore and new friends to meet. My daughter is at this stage right now, she knows no stranger. She loves new kids to play with and enjoys new places to explore. But often as adults we lean towards the familiar. The same church every week, the same friends to sit by and the same seat. This is not just in church. We go towards goals that we are comfortable with, making decisions with our subconscious sometimes without knowing that this is what our parents did with us. We are designed that way.

But there is true freedom in branching out unto the unknown, as long as our feet are grounded. That is what God does for us, he gave us true freedom with Jesus's death and Resurrection.  He asks us to burden Him with our troubles and He will lift us up. He is the rock we are to stand upon. And because we have His power  in us we have the freedom to walk with faith. We can try new things and do the impossible without fear. God does a lot with our little faith. What would it be like if we woke up one day knowing that we couldn't be harmed. Would you test it? Would you have faith? Or would you stay in the house and huddle with fear? This is the kind of faith that God wants us to have.

This same reasoning should be applied to our hurts hang-ups and habits. We have the power to stay away from that addiction, we have the power to walk away from an abusive relationship. The question is do we walk away, or do we stay in our rotting house or in our fear. Changing playmates playgrounds and playthings are hard. Walking away from the familiar is not easy. That is why when you do this you still need to have your feet grounded. A relationship with the Lord, accountability partners, and sponsors can give you truth in a world full of lies. This is the only way to change your habits, otherwise you will end up back where you started from.

I found this was true when I realized my codependent nature for serving. I was serving in my church because I needed to feel needed, I yearned for that feeling that serving others gave me. I enjoyed serving so much that I did it at every opportunity, disregarding my physical, mental and even spiritual health. So after I finished my 12 step study I thought that I had it nipped in the bud. but didn't consult my accountability partners, sponsor or even God, before I jumped into another serving commitment. When I realized I was not supposed to be doing that job, it was very hard and embarrassing to quit.

I am also learning slowly that I have to do this with my food addiction too. Consulting my sponsor and accountability partners and God, I am slowly able to make changes in my food plan and know that these are the right decisions. I am going to change from eating white rice to eating brown rice and buy whole wheat pasta instead of regular pasta. And I am doing this because the other kinds of carbs I can eat and eat and eat. And abstaining from them is too difficult for me right now. My sponsor also said to cook only one serving at a time so that I am not tempted to eat more and I agree with this statement. I also am going to have to buy some medicine to counteract the effects of certain veggies, if you get my drift.

Following God's direction

Following God's direction is sometimes hard. Have you ever heard that voice inside and wondered is that God or is that me? I do this all the time. And usually I hear God after I made the wrong choice and heard myself disguised as Him. The big man upstairs is always talking to us, the question is are we listening. OHHH! Sore subject I know. Listening? Does that mean listening to the radio and hearing God's word jump out of you in a country song? LOL, sometimes but I don't think often. I had a friend who used to do that. She would ask God for advice, usually about a new guy she wanted to date and then go back to life as normal and look for a sign. Usually it was a sign that lead her to what she wanted to do and not what God wanted her to do. I laugh because I do it too. No I don't wait for God to speak to me through the radio, but I would pray for something and wonder why God wouldn't answer me. Then I would talk to my mom and she would say have you gotten into God's word and listened to Him? Well no, I didn't think of that. Can't I just do it the easy way? Wait and wait and get frustrated and then just make up my own mind for God since he was otherwise occupied?

LOL, The easy way sure is hard. I don't know why I would fight against Him. He mapped it out so easily. Gave us His son to make our way to Him. Gave us prayer so we could have direct communication with Him. And gave us His word so that way we could have a manual on how to live. I guess I must have too much testosterone in me because I don't like reading directions either.  But I have learned a lot in the last couple of years. The biggest lesson is that listening to God is a lot easier when you are on your knees.

I don't mean on your knees literally, although it doesn't hurt. I mean at your lowest, completely giving up and looking know where else. When things are so out of your control that you don't know where to turn and you finally turn to God and say, I give up Lord you are going to have to handle it. The question is not why do we feel this way when the chips are down, the question is why don't we stay this way? When things are starting to look back up, we tend to say thank you God, I have it under control now. Can you say control freak?

I just have to say though that when we do turn our wills completely over to God and listen, beautiful things happen. I saw a 70 year old woman get baptized today, who was listening to God's voice tell her it was time. She had been walking God's path for 50 years and God say that now was the time to do it. Well I guarantee there were few dry eyes in that room after that, and God used that moment to bless many but I guarantee to reach at least one if not more. I have also been blessed enough to be in the presence of many friends that have gone from skeptic about church and God to accepting Christ or taking that first scary step to walk into a church alone. God is moving and working every minute of the day. He is communicating with you and me right now. Are we listening? Or are we too busy living our good lives. Are we too busy making our homes that perfect private sanctuary for us, or do we take in account that God might have given us this place to use as a tool to witness to others. Our house, our cars, our lives are built specifically in mind for God's glory, are we using them that way? These are just some of the thoughts I ponder and I wonder if anyone else thinks about this too? Where is God leading you? What has He given you to use for his glory?

All kinds of foodie thoughts

So today I went to my second OA meeting and I am very happy there. OA is different then CR because is specifically focused on food. It feels freeing to be in a place where everyone is dealing with what you are dealing with. I will never give up CR but I am loving the accountability I get here. Not to mention all the tips and tricks to change my bad eating habits. I was concerned that God wouldn't be a main focus in OA but he is! This is good! You cannot grow as a person until you accept God into your life. I believe that you will always feel that void in your life that only he can fill. I have been learning about my food addiction in the last few weeks. For example:

My Trigger Foods
Carbs. Rice is a good for you carb, in moderation. But something in my body triggers a reaction when I eat rice that tells my body not to stop. I am finding that this is normal in food addiction. The body will react differently to certain foods and cause a chain reaction from an instant crave for more to a feeling of euphoria or a fogginess in the brain. Sounds like a drug doesn't it? Certain foods for us are like a drug. I have talked with people who think clearer and feel like a completely different person when they abstain from their trigger foods. This may be one food, or many or it might be an ingredient like sugar. Some people react strangely to fake sugars or processed sugars. What does this mean for me? Well I can't abstain from all carbs. But I bet that if I go to lower carb foods and abstain from pasta and rice, which are definite trigger foods I will feel less lethargic and foggy.

My hubby and I were talking about food stereotypes today and I wanted to share a couple of them with you. These are things that we hear people say or say ourselves that have a whole new meaning from a food addicts point of view. For example: the type of food you eat depends on what money class you are in. If you are upper class you usually are expected to eat fancier foods like caviar and fresh seafood. lower class people tend to eat the cheaper foods that will feed many people. Hot-dogs and mac-n-cheese. These are the foods I grew up on. They were cost effective for the 4 people in my family. They kept us full longer. You should eat everything on your plate. As Americans a lot of us feel that we work hard and deserve a full plate of food. Sometimes we feel deprived if we look at an empty plate. Sometimes we feel like we are splurging on certain foods and don't get to eat it often, so we should over indulge. This is what places like buffets count on. For a food addict, eating with our eyes is how we get into trouble. We see small portions or foods that we know we shouldn't have or can't afford and we think that we can indulge just this once and not get into trouble. That is completely not true. A little bit of sugar can't hurt anyone. That is a lie. I have heard that it was normal for our parents generation to have kyro syrup in there bottles of milk, to make it more appealing. When we add sugar to a babies system that young we are almost certainly giving them an addiction to sugar. I believe that this is a huge cause of diabeties in this country, because we are depriving our kiddos if we don't give them juice, or let them have that cookie. All of the processed foods that we buy or that come from fast food restaurants are counting on us not caring to look at the sugar or sodium content. This is just some of the things I have been realizing this week. Food for thought if you will.

My goals for this week
So this next week starting tomorrow, I am going to try and go one week without Rice or pasta. I will talk with you next week and see if I feel a difference. I will be eating potatoes as my main carbs and small amounts of bread. Oh and did I tell you that today makes one whole week without soda? I am so proud of myself. I am not even craving a soda very often anymore. We drink tea and some juice. But we really are trying to increase  our water.

Celebrate
I have 2 reasons to celebrate this week. One I can not tell you about until I get permission too, so sorry for the tease. And 2 I realized that I never celebrated the fact that I have been blogging over a year now. This is a huge accomplishment for me. Although I am not completely consistent yet, I am getting better. I started the blog with one friend and have seen my followers grow a little along the way. My blog had no direction and slowly God changed my thought to align with His purpose in my life. I also have seen friends start blogs and become successful with them. And we get to grow together in this journey. I am going to work on a little blog surprise to come and I have a challenge for you. If you read my blog or other peoples blogs and don't follow them, would you consider following. I can't tell you how overjoyed it makes me feel to see my friend list  grow even by that one person. Also if you have a blog that I don't follow, will you let me know about it. Leave the URL on my comment screen and I will add you. Lets support each other in the things we go through. Don't forget I promised my sister that I would get a tattoo if I got 100 followers. So I will get working on that surprise and leav you now. Have a great day and God Bless!

Overeaters Anonymous

So I went to my first meeting on Saturday! I was excited about somethings and disappointed about others. Let me start by telling you what I learned about myself.

What is Compulsive Eating?

"Compulsion" is defined as an irresistible desire to take an often irrational action. The word "irresistible" means we are unable to resist the urge, no matter how many promises we have made to ourselves or others. In our case, we have the compulsion of being unable to control our eating behaviors. In OA we believe compulsive overeating is a disease with physical, emotional and spiritual components. A disease causes some aspect of the body to malfunction. In our case, it's the complex system that governs food behavior. The body mechanisms  that allow normal eaters to push the plate away, or otherwise control their food behaviors, don't function properly for us. For some, the disease acts much like an alcohol or drug addiction; except in our case, certain foods or overeating itself stimulate an insatiable craving for more. The OA definition of compulsive eating covers all facets of unhealthy eating behaviors. It's not only how much we eat or how much we weigh, but the ways in which we try to control our food. Some of us hide our food and eat in secret. Some binge and purge, while others alternate between overeating and starvation. All compulsive eaters have one thing in common: no matter whether we're struggling with overeating, undereating, bingeing, purging, or starving ourselves, we are driven by forces we don't understand to deal with food in irrational and self-destructive ways. Once compulsive eating as an illness has taken hold, an individual's willpower cannot stop it. The power of choice over food is gone. (This paragraph was taken straight from the Overeaters Anonymous Question and Answers guide)

So this shouldn't be news to me, but it was. In the back of my mind I was ready for God to deliver me from this addiction. Don't get me wrong I know he has the power to do anything. But I now look at my addiction like my sinful nature. I will always have the sinful flesh in my body, but God has given me the power to not be sinful. I think it is the same way. I will always have this compulsion, but God can give me the power to abstain from overeating. In OA the times that we do control our overeating is time of abstinence.

So I know that this is a process and that I will with God's help overcome these periods of non-abstinence. But until then I will continue to quote the motto, One step at a time, one moment at a time! Every minute I choose God's way in this is a minute more of peace and understanding. That is true with everything in life, we can fight God or we can walk with Him in the garden.

Weight Loss Wednesdays- Week 2- starting to exercise and measurements

I swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Real change comes from the heart, and if my heart is guarded then it can't be accessed by God for change. I am going to post my measurements, my weight and my true eating habits and working out habits every week. No lie!!!! Why am I doing this? Well I believe and hope that by being truly honest and accountable that God will help me change. I also hope that someone else out there will see my bravery and no longer be afraid too. You see the true adventure of this Big Life Change is getting rid of the fear in my life, one step at a time and fear of rejection is a big one. If you don't like me then tough, I am working on liking me for who I am and by doing that I am slowly wanting to take better care of me and building my self image. Not for the world or for anyone else, but because right now just the way I am God loves me. Not if I get skinnier, or prettier or even healthier. He loves me just the way I am and He loves you too. My image must come from Him and if I can believe that, then I know that I am worth spending the time, energy and money getting myself healthy. But only if He helps me, because I fail on my own. So here it goes.. my leap...

June 08, 2011

Starting Weight: 312.0 lbs

Starting measurements

Chest: 52 inches
Right arm: 20 1/2 inches
Left Arm: 19 inches
Stomach: 53 inches
Hips/Butt: 56 inches
Right Thigh:32 inches
Left Thigh: 33 inches
Right Calf: 21 inches
Left Calf: 22 inches

Exercise:
Last night I walked 2 miles in my living room

Eating:
Today I restart the no soda rule.
Eating has been normal, no changes.

This is me being raw with you! What are you afraid of?

Being Bad!

There is a carnal sinful side to me. The kind that likes to disobey. The kind that says NO WAY! The part of me that  REBELS! This girl comes out anytime I want to change my life truly for the better and says You Don't need to CHANGE! You are fine, your life is perfect. But what she is really saying is that staying in bondage is easier than being free. Changing your life means getting uncomfortable. Means rocking the boat. Change means getting off the couch. Change means walking against the crowd. So do me a favor and if you see that girl tell her to GO AWAY! I want to be free!

I have had a tougher time getting off the soda than I thought I would. But I won't let it beat me. I am worth the change! I was designed by a loving GOD that destined me for greatness! I haven't been good enough on the budget to save for a scale yet, but it is coming soon. I will keep you guys posted. It has been a tough couple of weeks and I have missed writing and reading your posts. I am hoping to get back to a schedule soon.

But on a positive note, my apartment is slowly coming together. The pool is supposed to open soon and I can't wait to get Joslyn into the pool! I really think she will like it! I have been spending a lot of time writing down recipes that are healthy and delicious. Most of the stuff I am trying to make will have lots of veggies or is a healthier version of food that we love!
Like home made peanut butter, ice cream, baked chicken taquitos, grilled summer fresh peppers, and many more good recipes! I am planning on weekly meal plans and that will help me plan budget friendly menus and grocery trips. Getting super excited, every time I make a little change that will help me be a little bit happier, healthier and more energetic! Together we can do this! Thanks for all of your support!

Weight Loss Wednesdays- Week 1- What changes are going to happen

I took a blue chip for my food addiction. This is a big thing for me. Let me explain how this works. In Celebrate Recovery we take chips to celebrate clean or sober time in our lives. This means you are surrendering something to God. Anything that is a hurt, a habit, or a hangup. Some examples are anger, poor managing of finances, grief, co-dependence, alcohol addiction, drug addiction, divorce, etc..... I have taken many blue chips in my life, but I have never taken one for food. I wanted to be ready. I needed to feel that it was the right time to surrender this addiction to God. A food addiction is a serious addiction. You don't have to be morbidly obese, which I am, to have a food addiction. If you have food on your mind 24/7 then you are in bondage. I do this. I am planning my meals from the moment I wake up. I think about eating all day. I can share food with others as long as I have enough on my plate and more on backup. I get angry when good food is wasted, really angry. I panic if I don't have money or food to eat in the house. I am a slave to food. I plan my day around it. I feel very disappointed if the meal isn't up to my expectations. I use going out to eat as entertainment instead of placing my entertainment in activities.

I have been listening to Joyce Meyers "Eat and Stay Thin". It is very powerful! She is helping me to break the bondage of food with God's word and gives the glory to Him. This is why I know that this has to work. My food addiction has been put before God. He didn't design me to be a slave to anything. We are free from the law. We are free from any addictions. Everything God made is good. So why do I pervert it into something bad. The fresh green leafy foods, the sweet berries, the succulent meats, etc etc. I prefer boxed foods, hamburger helper, hot dogs, McDonalds, boxed mac-n-cheese, and so forth. Its easier to grab a Lean Cuisine than it is to make a fresh salad and grilled chicken. Its easier to have hamburger helper for dinner than to make something. I grew up this way and old habits are hard to break. But break them I must. I love to cook but really cooking meals that take a while to make and not eating in the process is hard. Hard boiled eggs instead of fried. homemade fresh spaghetti sauce instead of jarred stuff full of sodium and extra preservatives that hurt me. There is not going to be a diet, but a healthy eating plan. I know what I should and shouldn't eat. I know that frying chicken is not as good for me as boiled, baked or broiled chicken. I know that salads full of greens and veggies will make me feel better than a bowl of mac-n-cheese. 

I am going to rely on the Holy Spirit to guide my eating decisions. He will not lead me astray. I also am going to follow the six week body eating plan that was designed for my body. Nothing processed is allowed in my body except for cheese. I am going to eat 6 small meals a day with protein in every meal. This speeds up my metabolism. I am going to stick to 1/2 cup of carbs and 2 to 3 ounces of protein for 3 of those meals. The other three meals will be 2 to 3 ounces of protein and 1/2 cup of fruit. I will eat a healthy amount of veggies everyday to help me stay full. The majority of my carbs will come from potatoes and rice, because my body type does not digest pasta and breads well.  I am going to replace the special out to eat meals with homemade meals. We will make a special meal every week that will fill that void of going out to eat. If I want ice cream I will make it, then I might enjoy it more. I will continue to fall in love with water. I will make mistakes and fall occasionally, but that is OK because it is not a diet. I am not perfect, but with God's help I will succeed!!!

 I am hoping that we can afford a scale this week and that I will have my measurements and starting weight by next week. But not a scale like this! We will be slowly replacing the food in our house and I hope to have my menu and new eating plan completely running by June 1st. So be patient with me as I have to do this slowly for us to be able to afford this type of change. Once my healthy eating plan is started I give you full responsibility to hold me accountable. I will be completely honest on my blog about how good or bad I have been that week. After all if I lie then I am only cheating myself.
Here's to healthy eating for all and FREEDOM!!!!!

Falling in love with water!

When I fell in love with John it was new and exciting and fulfilling. But it took a lot of work to maintain the love affair. When the newness falls away and we see the good and the bad, we both had to consciously decide to work at it. Well that is how I am going to approach my new task this week. To re-fall in love with water. Everything that God made is good! And because he formed my body to need and crave water, that is what I am going to drink.

My addiction to food isn't my only addiction. I have always been addicted to soda also. Diet coke and Dr. Pepper were my poisons of choice. Anytime that I would have a diet coke, my stomach would start churning from the moment of that first sip. I knew what it would do to me. I knew there would be stomach pains and gas, much too much time spent in the bathroom and just an over all feeling of yuck. All from one can! But would I put it down, no. I was more afraid of being free from it. It was my comfort my shield. The same way that food is. When  I was a teenager I would freeze a 1 liter bottle of Dr. Pepper overnight and have it for breakfast. I remember stopping Dr. Pepper for awhile and that first week the withdrawal symptoms were awful! I had headaches mood swings and even shakiness. This should have deterred me from ever picking one up again, but like any addict I couldn't truly stop without the help of God. 

In the recent months, God has been preparing me to cleanse my body of the poisons that I have been putting in my body. The fattening food, the Carb catastrophe, the overload of sodium, the soda and the deadly portions of all of them. I have been feeling that I am finally ready to kick this addiction to food. Food will no longer be my master. I will not be ruled by what I can or cannot eat. I will not spend countless hours planning, thinking, and meditating on food. How will I do this? Only with God's help. I am counting on the Holy Spirit to guide my thoughts and change my habits. I will speak more about this on Weight loss Wednesdays, but today is about water. 

My love affair with water started when I was very young. My Memaw and Papaw had a pool and by the age of 6 months I could swim in it between Mom and Dad. I was definitely a water baby. When I am near water a feeling of calm and peace slip over me. I am safe I am home and I am nearer to God. I remember going to Maine to visit my best-est friend and she took me to the ocean for the very first time. I was so excited. I think it was May and the water was ice cold, but I stuck my feet in it. I had to touch it and feel it. I even made a sand castle. Then later in life I took a trip to California for church and we spent a couple of hours on the beach and I never felt closer to God. He was there making sand castles with me and watching His child be sublimely happy. 

Many of the adventures that are on my list involve water. Para-sailing, water skiing, swimming with dolphins, going on a house boat, etc... These things are some of my inspirations for falling in love with water. Also the overall health of my body. Feeling good and getting closer to my goal weight. Saving the money that I would spend on soda when water is free. Teaching good water loving habits to my daughter. 

Today, May 09, 2011 I hear-by start my water drinking habit. No more will soda touch my lips. I will limit my tea drinking to minimum. I will drink at least 64 ounces of water a day, more if possible. I hear-for assign accountablility duty to my friends, family and internet friends, in-which you are allowed to gently scold, and direct me back to a water loving habit, should I stray. Thank you for your support, Teresa

New changes are a comin!

Just wanted you guys to know what is going on with me and my family. Right now we are trying to move back to Oklahoma City from the country around Chickasha area. We love love love it out here, but we are really struggling to survive out here between the extremely high gas prices and the higher rent and utility prices. My husband drives 45 minutes each way to work 5 days a week and sometimes we go up there on the weekends also. This means that we are spending 30 % of our income on fuel. We have found an apartment complex up in the city that is in our prices range and is all bills included. They are also kid and dog friendly. They even have a small dog park. It isn't in the best area but it is decent and I believe that this is where we are meant to be for awhile. We are in limbo though, because we don't have the money to put down a deposit and they don't have an apartment available. We have been approved though and that is a relief. John's boss has given us a brand new Sharp 55 inch LED television to sell . It retails for 1600 and we are asking 1000 that will pay our deposit. But it is a large TV and 1000 dollars is a lot to come up with. So we haven't had any luck. But I am confident that we will sell it and that we will move when God wants it to happen.
I am gearing up to finally start working on my first goal after we move. I have been extremely busy getting ready for a garage sale and packing at the same time. So I know that starting my plan right now would not be good for me. I have talked about The 6 week body makeover diet before. Last time I went on this diet it changed my metabolism, so that when I lost 20 pounds I did not gain it back when I got off the diet. Well I am planning on following the basics of this diet again but I am going to make it a lifestyle. Meaning that I am going to change from eating 3 times a day to six, probably for the rest of my life. I also am going to follow the tools it had for my specific body type. Noodles and breads aren't good carbs for my life. But Rice and Potatoes are. Eating lots and lots of fruits and vegetables with my meals to provide good vitamins for my body. keeping my portions small; knowing that my next meal is only hours away. But the most important rule is to watch my sodium and not eat anything processed. This means that I must make all the food that I eat. Any canned boxed or prepackaged item is off limits. Now that doesn't mean that Joslyn and I wont go out for ice cream once and awhile. But I think that it means more often that I will be making our ice cream and desserts so that I can control what goes into our food.
The biggest change about this weight loss goal is that I am going to blog about it. I will have Weight Loss Wednesdays. Posting my successes and failures for the week. My weight loss or gain and what I have eaten and how often I have exercised that week. You see I have learned a lot in this last year and I really feel ready to change my life. But I know that I can't do it alone. First of all God is in control! If I give him the burden of this change and pray when I am tempted to give up I believe that He will give me the strength to continue. Secondly I will need accountability partners to steer me back on the right track. Thirdly, I think that knowing that I will have to blog about my successes and failures may make me want to have more successes.

I will still blog about other things to. Eventually I would like to blog about a different goal each day. But we are going to start small and God will help me develop the blog into what it needs to be to mirror His image. Thanks for all of the support you have given me by reading my blog and commenting. This blog has helped shaped me into a better person. I love reading all of the blogs that I follow and I can't wait to see how we grow together even more!
PS the picture is of me when John and I were dating over 12 years ago!

Ponderings of a Church Youth Worker!

Disclaimer - The things I am going to say in this blog are purely my opinion. I have worked with youth for over 8 years in a church setting. I am not an expert! But I believe everything I write to be true and hope that it helps those who need to hear it.

These are some things I have come to realize while working with the youth of today.


1. You can't raise a child alone. - You might have heard the saying " It takes a village to raise a child." I completely agree. Moms and dads or grandparents or guardians who are raising their children without any outside influence are destined to fail. Have you ever noticed that dangerous cults and militant groups hide themselves away for the most part and only show themselves when it usually is too late. How as parents are we to raise a child on our own and give them the best upbringing? When I started working in  WCC's youth department, there were around 700 kids that would show up for Wednesday night youth service. Most of these kids didn't go to church on a regular basis, but they came there. I noticed a few things. A lot of the kids that didn't come to church, just came for their friends. Most didn't want any adult interaction, just to have a good time. Yet they came to a church service, listened to the music, fidgeted through the sermon and would come back the next week. Usually with more friends. Now, that isn't to brag on the church, though I love it so. They wanted attention and not just from their friends. Adults who were there every week who would show them attention. Sometimes we had to try real hard for their attention, but even though they seemed like they didn't care; we know that they did. They could have gone to a park or a friends house, but instead they hung out with us. The most successful parents I know have their kids involved in church and or other positive outlets. It is not just to keep the youth busy, but to involve other positive adults into their lives. Now I am not saying dropping your kids off at church, makes your kid successful. You have to be involved. Get to know the sponsors/leaders. Find out what the sermon/ lesson is about. Ask your them questions. Be involved! But don't do it alone. Involving God into your family is the single most influential decision you can ever make. He and only he can change hearts. But adding positive role models into your family's life will not only make you a better parent but a better person.

Freedom isn't free -  It was a pleasure of mine to get to go to an Orange Conference as part of my youth training. This conference was about bringing church leaders and parents together to raise a child. It was wonderful and I learned so much. But what astounded me the most was that after elementary school most parents dropped off the radar in their child's life. Thoughts that the middle schooler or teen was old enough to have a little freedom. So parents would back off and let their child have amazing amounts of freedom. But freedom isn't free and it can cost you too much. Young adulthood is a time of turmoil and choices and finding identity and when a youth is left alone with these decisions and hard times, they are likely to fail. As a youth worker I was always able to tell which teens had "free reign" on their own lives. There isn't as much of a description as there was a feeling about them. Sad. Usually this was because their parents weren't there at all, albeit missing mom or dad. Or that the parents weren't their emotionally for them. We would see this all the time. Parents that used drugs, had unhealthy relationships of their own, or parents whose plates were too full to deal with their older kids. These kids would start acting out for attention and when it didn't work they would go elsewhere for their love. Teens hate discipline, but they need it. If you aren't guiding their decisions then their friends are. Now, that doesn't mean they should be held on such a tight leash that they have no decisions. Eventually that leash will break and they will probably run as far away as possible. But, realizing that your teen is unique and letting him/her find their own identity through your guidance is the best possible answer in my book.

Trying on different hats - The teenage years are designed to be fun and a time where you can find yourself. I have bonded with teens wearing Gothic clothes and teens with Mohawks. I have had wonderful indepth conversations with kids that play guitar and those that play basketball. Deep down, all of them are trying to establish their unique personality but more than that they are looking for acceptance. Will I be accepted if I wear this clothing? Will mom and dad accept me only if I make perfect grades? Will I feel loved if I date this person? Will I be cool if I smoke that? These are all questions that I have seen many respectable young Christian teens ask. Of course they don't ask it out loud. Will you answer the questions or will they have to find out for themselves. In my opinion, if the questions are addressed at home and the child feels acceptance and love from their families then the teen will be able to find their uniqueness. But if they go on a quest for love and acceptance, they will forget to look for their personality and will adapt the personality of those that they feel love and acceptance from. Once the love and acceptance are established then the fun task of finding their personality can begin. Will I love to read? Will I be a leader or a follower? What will my character be. This can be fun! Letting your kids try on different hats in life will help them establish who they are. Remember failing at one thing doesn't mean they fail in life. If they don't do well in math but excel in writing, encourage those strengths. Help them find their strengths and work on their weaknesses. But remember to have fun with them. You once had to do this too. There was a student that came to my small group one night. We will call him Jerry. I was leading an all girls small group on Sunday nights and he came with his girlfriend. Jerry was the most Goth-ed out student I had ever seen. Black lipstick and black dyed hair and all. He didn't want to join the guys group so I let him stay that night in our group. He showed up for 2 groups and never showed back up again. One Wednesday night I saw him sitting in the sanctuary before the sermon started. I sat next to him exchanged plesantrys and said that I missed seeing him around. He said that him and his girlfriend broke up and he didn't come to church very often because of her. The sermon started and we didn't get to talk anymore. after service I told him that I hope that he keeps coming for him and that I hope to see him again. But I didn't see him after that. About 6 months after that a student came in to the room I was setting up and asked me if I remembered him. I apologized and said that he looked familiar but I didn't know who he was. IT WAS JERRY! But he was different. He had beautiful mouse brown hair cut professionally and was dressed in khaki pants and a nice button up shirt. Gone were the chains and the piercings. He said that I had made a big difference in his life by loving him for who he was, how he was. It doesn't take much folks to show someone you care and that makes all the difference. When you can love someone no matter what they look like or what they wear or even how they smell, you will get to see the real Jerry. Nothing can replace that feeling.

 Everyone has secrets - whether it is secrets of crushes or something more serious, everyone holds something back. But deep down we all want to tell our secrets to someone. Someone we can trust to keep it safe. Way back when I was a teenager, I was considered put together. I usually had the right answers, made the right decisions and knew how to make the adult think that I was ok! But on the inside I wasn't. I had thoughts of suicide all the time and tried it twice. I didn't know how to tell my secrets. I was too afraid to show my hand that I would collapse and never get back up again. Now my childhood wasn't that awful. I did have a dysfunctional family, but who doesn't? When I was in youth for a couple of years I learned why I went through my childhood. There are so many teens out there the same way I was. The pressure of life in even the happiest of families can crumble a person. I remember talking with one of my dear students one night. We were just shooting the breeze and she dropped a bomb on me. She had been experimenting with cutting. I was flabbergasted, though I tried not to look it. Her parents were active in the church, she was at every youth event and was one of my students that I thought had it together. I fell for the same stereotype I was famous for. This was when I realized that I wasn't an anomaly. You can be a good student, make the right decisions and have a mostly happy childhood and still feel helpless. This is why small groups are so important, for adults and for students. Everyone needs a place to feel safe and feel that they can share their secrets without getting disciplined for them. Now as an adult my safe place is Celebrate Recovery. They even have a teen version of CR. There are youth groups all over the world that have small groups designed for this purpose. Don't wait till it is too late.