"Falling on my knees in worship, giving all I have to seek your face, Lord all I am is yours." - Came To My Rescue by Hillsong United
As Joslyn and I walked into church this past Sunday I was feeling good. I had gotten her ready by myself and we were running only 10 minutes late to Sunday school. I have gotten used to going to church without my significant other. But as usual there was a small pain that went up my spine as I sit down alone. A little bit of hurt as I look around at the other oblivious couples that sit together and worship together and give together and pray together. But determined to not let the devil win I walk into the couples Bible study alone and luckily see a friend I can sit with who was also alone. The Bible study was good and I walk into the main church service into really good spirits. I find a seat in my usual area and get approached by a wonderful lady I am getting to know a little bit better in CR, we have a great conversation that I know we never would have had if I was sitting with my husband. So when the service starts we open with some amazing worship songs. Let me stop here and tell you how wonderful our worship team is! One of my favorite new persons is our worship leader Chuck. Originally from Louisiana, he has this jazzy spirit that is infused with all the songs he sings. And having a momma who plays piano wonderfully, I can honestly say that he is one of the best piano players I have ever heard. Worship seems so natural coming from him and he has a way of making the whole crowd sway. So break over, anyways the songs were great but one of my all time favorite songs was the last one played. Revelation song
http://youtu.be/FObjd5wrgZ8
I don't think I have ever sang this song without feeling goosebumps and tears streaming down my face.
This morning was not any different. I know I would have probably not have felt that though if my hubby was there. Singing with both hands in the air reaching for my Lord and Savior and crying out to Him. So with half of the congregation sniffling we sit down to hear the message. Our Senior pastor was away speaking to the youth at the Youth State Convention. So pastor Jamie filled in. And let me tell you she was wonderful! She spoke about security and how we tend to need security but we look for the wrong things to make us secure. Alarms, dogs, good neighborhoods, money. So many things we use to make us feel secure and yet the righteous are already secure in Him. He has our security planned out, it is us who walks away from the security to follow our own paths. It was a great sermon but it wasn't until she read this verse that I got it. You know the reason I knew I was there that day. There is always that moment in church where I feel, okay I was supposed to be here today. The verse was
I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be a blessing. Psalms 37:25-26
My heart stops. My daughter. She will not be forsaken. I knew that God would take care of her, but I realized I had fallen into a trap. I was living my life day by day and assumed that she would chose the Lord. After all wasn't I setting a good example, wouldn't she be surrounded with my church friends that would rasie her up in the right way. But no I knew better, deep in my heart. My friends who struggle with the fact that their children aren't believers. That they make the wrong decisions that drag them away from the Lord. That no matter what they do, their children make their own decisions. Joslyn would be the same way. Choosing the wrong decisions sometimes. Sometimes running away from God when she needs to be running towards Him. It's her path not mine. But this verse is so important. The righteous's children will not be forsaken. That means when all is said and done, she will be a child of the Lord. But it was shame that brought me to the alter that morning. I hadn't been praying for my daughter's salvation. I haven't been faithful in praying for my husband to be brought back to the Lord. When they opened up the alter, I ran down there falling on my knees. Crying to the Lord for forgiveness. And feeling His love, thanking Him for my husband and my daughter. Then begging for my daughter to find Him and be a girl and woman that has a faith that changes the world. Most people want their children to be successful. But successful how? I want Joslyn's successes to be for the Kingdom of God not of this world. Who cares if she has a great job if she isn't following God's path. Who cares if she is making enough money for all the things she wants, if she isn't content in what God has given her? I also begged for God to bring my hubby back to Him. For me to have the faith and belief in Him that it shines through me in all I do. And for us to be a family that prays together and does God's divine work together.
I have made a commitment to be praying for them every night. Down on my knees praying. Heart opened and tears streaming prayers. Last night while my hubby went and got dinner (yummy chinese) I went to my room and dropped to my knees. I prayed for you too. For you to find your potential in Christ and to drop to your knees in heart wrenching prayer.
http://youtu.be/gArr7gyiMBY
MY GOALS FOR LIFE!
To transform my life, with God's help of course, one step at a time.
1. Get healthy & honor God with my body
2.Become at least 50% sustainable with emphasis on doing our part to take care of God's planet.
3. Live life as an adventure, experiencing new places, things & people.
18 out of 150 bucket list goals accomplished
4. Become debt free & build security for my family, so we can then bless others financially also.
5. Continue to grow closer to God, building My family's faith & sharing the Gospel with those we meet, by using the talents and gifts God has provided us.
6.Continue to make money by creating and sharing my thoughts and beliefs through artistic expression: all the while hoping that my art will impact others. "Holly Kennedy
1. Get healthy & honor God with my body
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter
2.Become at least 50% sustainable with emphasis on doing our part to take care of God's planet.
3. Live life as an adventure, experiencing new places, things & people.
18 out of 150 bucket list goals accomplished
4. Become debt free & build security for my family, so we can then bless others financially also.
5. Continue to grow closer to God, building My family's faith & sharing the Gospel with those we meet, by using the talents and gifts God has provided us.
6.Continue to make money by creating and sharing my thoughts and beliefs through artistic expression: all the while hoping that my art will impact others. "Holly Kennedy
: All I know is, if you don't figure out this something, you'll just stay ordinary, and it doesn't matter if it's a work of art, or a taco, or a pair of socks! Just create something... new, and there it is, and it's you, out in the world, outside of you, and you can look at it, or hear it, or read it, or feel it... and you know a little more about... you. A little bit more than anyone else does... Does that make any sense at all?" Quote from PS I LOVE YOU
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Friday, March 25, 2011
Ponderings of a Church Youth Worker!
Disclaimer - The things I am going to say in this blog are purely my opinion. I have worked with youth for over 8 years in a church setting. I am not an expert! But I believe everything I write to be true and hope that it helps those who need to hear it.
These are some things I have come to realize while working with the youth of today.
1. You can't raise a child alone. - You might have heard the saying " It takes a village to raise a child." I completely agree. Moms and dads or grandparents or guardians who are raising their children without any outside influence are destined to fail. Have you ever noticed that dangerous cults and militant groups hide themselves away for the most part and only show themselves when it usually is too late. How as parents are we to raise a child on our own and give them the best upbringing? When I started working in WCC's youth department, there were around 700 kids that would show up for Wednesday night youth service. Most of these kids didn't go to church on a regular basis, but they came there. I noticed a few things. A lot of the kids that didn't come to church, just came for their friends. Most didn't want any adult interaction, just to have a good time. Yet they came to a church service, listened to the music, fidgeted through the sermon and would come back the next week. Usually with more friends. Now, that isn't to brag on the church, though I love it so. They wanted attention and not just from their friends. Adults who were there every week who would show them attention. Sometimes we had to try real hard for their attention, but even though they seemed like they didn't care; we know that they did. They could have gone to a park or a friends house, but instead they hung out with us. The most successful parents I know have their kids involved in church and or other positive outlets. It is not just to keep the youth busy, but to involve other positive adults into their lives. Now I am not saying dropping your kids off at church, makes your kid successful. You have to be involved. Get to know the sponsors/leaders. Find out what the sermon/ lesson is about. Ask your them questions. Be involved! But don't do it alone. Involving God into your family is the single most influential decision you can ever make. He and only he can change hearts. But adding positive role models into your family's life will not only make you a better parent but a better person.
Freedom isn't free - It was a pleasure of mine to get to go to an Orange Conference as part of my youth training. This conference was about bringing church leaders and parents together to raise a child. It was wonderful and I learned so much. But what astounded me the most was that after elementary school most parents dropped off the radar in their child's life. Thoughts that the middle schooler or teen was old enough to have a little freedom. So parents would back off and let their child have amazing amounts of freedom. But freedom isn't free and it can cost you too much. Young adulthood is a time of turmoil and choices and finding identity and when a youth is left alone with these decisions and hard times, they are likely to fail. As a youth worker I was always able to tell which teens had "free reign" on their own lives. There isn't as much of a description as there was a feeling about them. Sad. Usually this was because their parents weren't there at all, albeit missing mom or dad. Or that the parents weren't their emotionally for them. We would see this all the time. Parents that used drugs, had unhealthy relationships of their own, or parents whose plates were too full to deal with their older kids. These kids would start acting out for attention and when it didn't work they would go elsewhere for their love. Teens hate discipline, but they need it. If you aren't guiding their decisions then their friends are. Now, that doesn't mean they should be held on such a tight leash that they have no decisions. Eventually that leash will break and they will probably run as far away as possible. But, realizing that your teen is unique and letting him/her find their own identity through your guidance is the best possible answer in my book.
Trying on different hats - The teenage years are designed to be fun and a time where you can find yourself. I have bonded with teens wearing Gothic clothes and teens with Mohawks. I have had wonderful indepth conversations with kids that play guitar and those that play basketball. Deep down, all of them are trying to establish their unique personality but more than that they are looking for acceptance. Will I be accepted if I wear this clothing? Will mom and dad accept me only if I make perfect grades? Will I feel loved if I date this person? Will I be cool if I smoke that? These are all questions that I have seen many respectable young Christian teens ask. Of course they don't ask it out loud. Will you answer the questions or will they have to find out for themselves. In my opinion, if the questions are addressed at home and the child feels acceptance and love from their families then the teen will be able to find their uniqueness. But if they go on a quest for love and acceptance, they will forget to look for their personality and will adapt the personality of those that they feel love and acceptance from. Once the love and acceptance are established then the fun task of finding their personality can begin. Will I love to read? Will I be a leader or a follower? What will my character be. This can be fun! Letting your kids try on different hats in life will help them establish who they are. Remember failing at one thing doesn't mean they fail in life. If they don't do well in math but excel in writing, encourage those strengths. Help them find their strengths and work on their weaknesses. But remember to have fun with them. You once had to do this too. There was a student that came to my small group one night. We will call him Jerry. I was leading an all girls small group on Sunday nights and he came with his girlfriend. Jerry was the most Goth-ed out student I had ever seen. Black lipstick and black dyed hair and all. He didn't want to join the guys group so I let him stay that night in our group. He showed up for 2 groups and never showed back up again. One Wednesday night I saw him sitting in the sanctuary before the sermon started. I sat next to him exchanged plesantrys and said that I missed seeing him around. He said that him and his girlfriend broke up and he didn't come to church very often because of her. The sermon started and we didn't get to talk anymore. after service I told him that I hope that he keeps coming for him and that I hope to see him again. But I didn't see him after that. About 6 months after that a student came in to the room I was setting up and asked me if I remembered him. I apologized and said that he looked familiar but I didn't know who he was. IT WAS JERRY! But he was different. He had beautiful mouse brown hair cut professionally and was dressed in khaki pants and a nice button up shirt. Gone were the chains and the piercings. He said that I had made a big difference in his life by loving him for who he was, how he was. It doesn't take much folks to show someone you care and that makes all the difference. When you can love someone no matter what they look like or what they wear or even how they smell, you will get to see the real Jerry. Nothing can replace that feeling.
Everyone has secrets - whether it is secrets of crushes or something more serious, everyone holds something back. But deep down we all want to tell our secrets to someone. Someone we can trust to keep it safe. Way back when I was a teenager, I was considered put together. I usually had the right answers, made the right decisions and knew how to make the adult think that I was ok! But on the inside I wasn't. I had thoughts of suicide all the time and tried it twice. I didn't know how to tell my secrets. I was too afraid to show my hand that I would collapse and never get back up again. Now my childhood wasn't that awful. I did have a dysfunctional family, but who doesn't? When I was in youth for a couple of years I learned why I went through my childhood. There are so many teens out there the same way I was. The pressure of life in even the happiest of families can crumble a person. I remember talking with one of my dear students one night. We were just shooting the breeze and she dropped a bomb on me. She had been experimenting with cutting. I was flabbergasted, though I tried not to look it. Her parents were active in the church, she was at every youth event and was one of my students that I thought had it together. I fell for the same stereotype I was famous for. This was when I realized that I wasn't an anomaly. You can be a good student, make the right decisions and have a mostly happy childhood and still feel helpless. This is why small groups are so important, for adults and for students. Everyone needs a place to feel safe and feel that they can share their secrets without getting disciplined for them. Now as an adult my safe place is Celebrate Recovery. They even have a teen version of CR. There are youth groups all over the world that have small groups designed for this purpose. Don't wait till it is too late.
These are some things I have come to realize while working with the youth of today.
1. You can't raise a child alone. - You might have heard the saying " It takes a village to raise a child." I completely agree. Moms and dads or grandparents or guardians who are raising their children without any outside influence are destined to fail. Have you ever noticed that dangerous cults and militant groups hide themselves away for the most part and only show themselves when it usually is too late. How as parents are we to raise a child on our own and give them the best upbringing? When I started working in WCC's youth department, there were around 700 kids that would show up for Wednesday night youth service. Most of these kids didn't go to church on a regular basis, but they came there. I noticed a few things. A lot of the kids that didn't come to church, just came for their friends. Most didn't want any adult interaction, just to have a good time. Yet they came to a church service, listened to the music, fidgeted through the sermon and would come back the next week. Usually with more friends. Now, that isn't to brag on the church, though I love it so. They wanted attention and not just from their friends. Adults who were there every week who would show them attention. Sometimes we had to try real hard for their attention, but even though they seemed like they didn't care; we know that they did. They could have gone to a park or a friends house, but instead they hung out with us. The most successful parents I know have their kids involved in church and or other positive outlets. It is not just to keep the youth busy, but to involve other positive adults into their lives. Now I am not saying dropping your kids off at church, makes your kid successful. You have to be involved. Get to know the sponsors/leaders. Find out what the sermon/ lesson is about. Ask your them questions. Be involved! But don't do it alone. Involving God into your family is the single most influential decision you can ever make. He and only he can change hearts. But adding positive role models into your family's life will not only make you a better parent but a better person.
Freedom isn't free - It was a pleasure of mine to get to go to an Orange Conference as part of my youth training. This conference was about bringing church leaders and parents together to raise a child. It was wonderful and I learned so much. But what astounded me the most was that after elementary school most parents dropped off the radar in their child's life. Thoughts that the middle schooler or teen was old enough to have a little freedom. So parents would back off and let their child have amazing amounts of freedom. But freedom isn't free and it can cost you too much. Young adulthood is a time of turmoil and choices and finding identity and when a youth is left alone with these decisions and hard times, they are likely to fail. As a youth worker I was always able to tell which teens had "free reign" on their own lives. There isn't as much of a description as there was a feeling about them. Sad. Usually this was because their parents weren't there at all, albeit missing mom or dad. Or that the parents weren't their emotionally for them. We would see this all the time. Parents that used drugs, had unhealthy relationships of their own, or parents whose plates were too full to deal with their older kids. These kids would start acting out for attention and when it didn't work they would go elsewhere for their love. Teens hate discipline, but they need it. If you aren't guiding their decisions then their friends are. Now, that doesn't mean they should be held on such a tight leash that they have no decisions. Eventually that leash will break and they will probably run as far away as possible. But, realizing that your teen is unique and letting him/her find their own identity through your guidance is the best possible answer in my book.
Trying on different hats - The teenage years are designed to be fun and a time where you can find yourself. I have bonded with teens wearing Gothic clothes and teens with Mohawks. I have had wonderful indepth conversations with kids that play guitar and those that play basketball. Deep down, all of them are trying to establish their unique personality but more than that they are looking for acceptance. Will I be accepted if I wear this clothing? Will mom and dad accept me only if I make perfect grades? Will I feel loved if I date this person? Will I be cool if I smoke that? These are all questions that I have seen many respectable young Christian teens ask. Of course they don't ask it out loud. Will you answer the questions or will they have to find out for themselves. In my opinion, if the questions are addressed at home and the child feels acceptance and love from their families then the teen will be able to find their uniqueness. But if they go on a quest for love and acceptance, they will forget to look for their personality and will adapt the personality of those that they feel love and acceptance from. Once the love and acceptance are established then the fun task of finding their personality can begin. Will I love to read? Will I be a leader or a follower? What will my character be. This can be fun! Letting your kids try on different hats in life will help them establish who they are. Remember failing at one thing doesn't mean they fail in life. If they don't do well in math but excel in writing, encourage those strengths. Help them find their strengths and work on their weaknesses. But remember to have fun with them. You once had to do this too. There was a student that came to my small group one night. We will call him Jerry. I was leading an all girls small group on Sunday nights and he came with his girlfriend. Jerry was the most Goth-ed out student I had ever seen. Black lipstick and black dyed hair and all. He didn't want to join the guys group so I let him stay that night in our group. He showed up for 2 groups and never showed back up again. One Wednesday night I saw him sitting in the sanctuary before the sermon started. I sat next to him exchanged plesantrys and said that I missed seeing him around. He said that him and his girlfriend broke up and he didn't come to church very often because of her. The sermon started and we didn't get to talk anymore. after service I told him that I hope that he keeps coming for him and that I hope to see him again. But I didn't see him after that. About 6 months after that a student came in to the room I was setting up and asked me if I remembered him. I apologized and said that he looked familiar but I didn't know who he was. IT WAS JERRY! But he was different. He had beautiful mouse brown hair cut professionally and was dressed in khaki pants and a nice button up shirt. Gone were the chains and the piercings. He said that I had made a big difference in his life by loving him for who he was, how he was. It doesn't take much folks to show someone you care and that makes all the difference. When you can love someone no matter what they look like or what they wear or even how they smell, you will get to see the real Jerry. Nothing can replace that feeling.
Everyone has secrets - whether it is secrets of crushes or something more serious, everyone holds something back. But deep down we all want to tell our secrets to someone. Someone we can trust to keep it safe. Way back when I was a teenager, I was considered put together. I usually had the right answers, made the right decisions and knew how to make the adult think that I was ok! But on the inside I wasn't. I had thoughts of suicide all the time and tried it twice. I didn't know how to tell my secrets. I was too afraid to show my hand that I would collapse and never get back up again. Now my childhood wasn't that awful. I did have a dysfunctional family, but who doesn't? When I was in youth for a couple of years I learned why I went through my childhood. There are so many teens out there the same way I was. The pressure of life in even the happiest of families can crumble a person. I remember talking with one of my dear students one night. We were just shooting the breeze and she dropped a bomb on me. She had been experimenting with cutting. I was flabbergasted, though I tried not to look it. Her parents were active in the church, she was at every youth event and was one of my students that I thought had it together. I fell for the same stereotype I was famous for. This was when I realized that I wasn't an anomaly. You can be a good student, make the right decisions and have a mostly happy childhood and still feel helpless. This is why small groups are so important, for adults and for students. Everyone needs a place to feel safe and feel that they can share their secrets without getting disciplined for them. Now as an adult my safe place is Celebrate Recovery. They even have a teen version of CR. There are youth groups all over the world that have small groups designed for this purpose. Don't wait till it is too late.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Here comes the whale!
As I'm looking back over the past year, my eyes have been opened to the gentle guidance of my Father. I was questioned many times on my families decision to move to Chickasha and leave my church family and friends. Sometimes I would cry and think I have done the wrong thing. But, I know that God is leading us through a drought and teaching us valuable lessons of his grace and providance along the way.
I was being a Jonah. Thinking that a move to the country would solve all of our problems. I was insecure about being a mother, struggling from financial burden, and mourning the loss of control I had on everything. My world was crashing. So what do you do when you have lost all control? I decided it was time to move. I was sure that Chickasha held the answer!
You can never run farther than God. You can run away from God, but he is always there. Waiting for you to open up to Him and knock down those barriers you build between you and Him. Turns out, I didn't run away from my problems like I thought.
My pre baby life consisted of staying busy enough to not have to deal with my insecurities and codependency. I had just learned through Celebrate Recovery that I was a codependent. I knew that I was dependent on my ministry. But I didn't have the courage to stand up for myself and just quit. I was afraid that if I quit my ministry and stayed in the church that I might be looked down upon or be judged. I also felt that I wouldn't be able to quit fully and would drag myself back into the same predicament when I started feeling out of control. Please don't think that my church would have looked down on me. I love that church, and all my problems were because of my codependence. Codependence is an addiction to people and the reactions of them. I wanted so bad to get better and I knew that taking a break from ministry was the only way for me to seek God for my acceptance and not people. When I moved to Chickasha, the first thing I did was get involved in a church and start serving. I thought, it won't be like it was in Moore. Well, God brought a whale to devour me and make me stop. It didn't feel right. God was telling me that I wasn't supposed to be at this church and here I was back at the confrontation again. I couldn't run away this time. I had to face my fear of confrontation and tell this lovely church that I had made a commitment and couldn't keep it. The old me would have stayed and suffered. So I prayed and sought council and then wandered in with the heaviest heart. And just like God did with Jonah, when he repented, God was merciful. I went in there and told them that I wouldn't be able to fill my commitments and the pastors said we know. I was like what do you mean "you know"? God had prepared their hearts too. He had told them that I would leave and that eventually they would find someone to fulfill those commitments. I was in shock and was humbled. Sometimes I forget how Big God is! He had it all worked out. So I ended up at another great church and had to do the right thing and tell them I couldn't get involved in ministry for a year. And although it has been hard, I am actually learning to get my acceptance from God.
The second thing I was running from was my insecurity about being a mother. I had always wanted to be a mom, and when it finally happened I was scared out of my mind. Seeing how big of a mess I made with my life, I was sure that I would screw up Joslyn. I was so insecure that when I would take her out around people, anything they would say would knock down my security. "She sure spits up alot, is she colicky? She is kicking her legs a lot, she might be constipated." I was able to take little remote concerns and blow them out of preportion. Instead of trusting my instincts. I actually got to the point that I didn't want to take her around people because of the way I would feel for days after. Well, since I had moved too far from the people I knew, now I had to deal with my insecurities alone. Well that has not been easy. God brings in another whale. This whale is actually a person. She is a person in all honesty that I can't stand. It seemed like everywhere I went in this new town, she was there. Why can't I stand her? Because she personifies my insecurities. She is a struggling mom, I have this fear that people will see me as a struggling mom. When I see her I am drawn to the fact that she doesn't always put her child first, and I am so afraid that people will see my selfish side, that I won't always do the best for my child. She is an outsider, I am so afraid of being away from the crowd. I need that acceptance. So much so that I struggled with making sure that Joslyn always looked proper and when something would go wrong, Like a blow-out diaper, I would be disappointed in myself. She is sloppy, I am a closet slob. Only those who really know me know my mess. I will wear myself out making sure the place looks decent for visitors and not be able to enjoy their company. ETC...ETC. So slowly but surely I am facing these flaws of mine and having to learn compassion for her and me. We are not perfect and when we hide our flaws we give up that opportunity to have God fix them. Sometimes He shows us that our FLAWS are actually connections to others. When other people see our vulnerability, they let down their guard and God can come in. I think its better to be flawed and reach others for Christ than to pretend to be perfect and reach no one!
So the last Ninnevah in my life ( thing I was running from) was my finances. Or should I say my inability to control them. John and I have been running from our financial burdens since the moment we said I do. We fell into every pitfall that you can fall into finacially. Credit cards, home mortgages, refinance, loans, and finally bancruptcy. I thought that if we moved to Chickasha that we would actually be making a better change. Our rent went down substancially, but our fuel and wear on the cars went up. It didn't matter how much John worked, we never had money at the end of our month. Suddenly, we had diapers we had to buy, formula, baby food, and doctors expenses. Although I knew that money didn't grow on trees, I was used to a habit of spending money when we had it and not saving for the future. So God's whale for us was poverty. I don't mean true poverty, because even at our lowest moments we were still richer than most of the world. But I mean, not knowing where the money was coming from to pay the electricity bill, how we would buy baby food, and eating rice and beans. I had to learn how to make bread, because we didn't have any money to buy any. We accepted food from church and family, and I had to tell people that I couldn't go anywhere because we had to save the gas for John to get back and forth to work. PLEASE dont feel sorry for us! I am not telling you this to make you feel sorry for us. Everytime, we had to ask for help, or turn down going somewhere, God was humbling us. For the first time in my life I had to look fear of rejection in the eye and say it doesn't matter what people think of me. the love of money had always controlled me. I am so grateful!! The biggest thing is that my husband is right there with me. We rarely communicated about money, unless it was to fight about it. Most of the time, we didn't even fight about it, we just conceeded to each others wishes so that we wouldn't have to be the bad guy. So finally after 10 1/2 years marriage we are communicating about money. We also have a plan to learn how to handle money. I recomend Financial Peace University to everyone. We are learning how to make a budget, how to save and plan for the future. We also have both agreed that Joslyn will grow up knowning all that we have learned so that her future is not full of money mistakes. I will forever be grateful for the lessons that God has taught us during this time.
SO like Jonah, I ran away from the task that God had set before me. And I encountered hardship along the way that I probably would have avoided had I made the changes God's way. But because of God's grace and mercy he brought Jonah and me out of the whale and taught us valuable lessons. I know though that had Jonah not run from God, his story wouldn't have been in the Bible. God can use us, runners or not. Some of us have to encounter a few whales along the way, but it does make for a better story!
I was being a Jonah. Thinking that a move to the country would solve all of our problems. I was insecure about being a mother, struggling from financial burden, and mourning the loss of control I had on everything. My world was crashing. So what do you do when you have lost all control? I decided it was time to move. I was sure that Chickasha held the answer!
You can never run farther than God. You can run away from God, but he is always there. Waiting for you to open up to Him and knock down those barriers you build between you and Him. Turns out, I didn't run away from my problems like I thought.
My pre baby life consisted of staying busy enough to not have to deal with my insecurities and codependency. I had just learned through Celebrate Recovery that I was a codependent. I knew that I was dependent on my ministry. But I didn't have the courage to stand up for myself and just quit. I was afraid that if I quit my ministry and stayed in the church that I might be looked down upon or be judged. I also felt that I wouldn't be able to quit fully and would drag myself back into the same predicament when I started feeling out of control. Please don't think that my church would have looked down on me. I love that church, and all my problems were because of my codependence. Codependence is an addiction to people and the reactions of them. I wanted so bad to get better and I knew that taking a break from ministry was the only way for me to seek God for my acceptance and not people. When I moved to Chickasha, the first thing I did was get involved in a church and start serving. I thought, it won't be like it was in Moore. Well, God brought a whale to devour me and make me stop. It didn't feel right. God was telling me that I wasn't supposed to be at this church and here I was back at the confrontation again. I couldn't run away this time. I had to face my fear of confrontation and tell this lovely church that I had made a commitment and couldn't keep it. The old me would have stayed and suffered. So I prayed and sought council and then wandered in with the heaviest heart. And just like God did with Jonah, when he repented, God was merciful. I went in there and told them that I wouldn't be able to fill my commitments and the pastors said we know. I was like what do you mean "you know"? God had prepared their hearts too. He had told them that I would leave and that eventually they would find someone to fulfill those commitments. I was in shock and was humbled. Sometimes I forget how Big God is! He had it all worked out. So I ended up at another great church and had to do the right thing and tell them I couldn't get involved in ministry for a year. And although it has been hard, I am actually learning to get my acceptance from God.
The second thing I was running from was my insecurity about being a mother. I had always wanted to be a mom, and when it finally happened I was scared out of my mind. Seeing how big of a mess I made with my life, I was sure that I would screw up Joslyn. I was so insecure that when I would take her out around people, anything they would say would knock down my security. "She sure spits up alot, is she colicky? She is kicking her legs a lot, she might be constipated." I was able to take little remote concerns and blow them out of preportion. Instead of trusting my instincts. I actually got to the point that I didn't want to take her around people because of the way I would feel for days after. Well, since I had moved too far from the people I knew, now I had to deal with my insecurities alone. Well that has not been easy. God brings in another whale. This whale is actually a person. She is a person in all honesty that I can't stand. It seemed like everywhere I went in this new town, she was there. Why can't I stand her? Because she personifies my insecurities. She is a struggling mom, I have this fear that people will see me as a struggling mom. When I see her I am drawn to the fact that she doesn't always put her child first, and I am so afraid that people will see my selfish side, that I won't always do the best for my child. She is an outsider, I am so afraid of being away from the crowd. I need that acceptance. So much so that I struggled with making sure that Joslyn always looked proper and when something would go wrong, Like a blow-out diaper, I would be disappointed in myself. She is sloppy, I am a closet slob. Only those who really know me know my mess. I will wear myself out making sure the place looks decent for visitors and not be able to enjoy their company. ETC...ETC. So slowly but surely I am facing these flaws of mine and having to learn compassion for her and me. We are not perfect and when we hide our flaws we give up that opportunity to have God fix them. Sometimes He shows us that our FLAWS are actually connections to others. When other people see our vulnerability, they let down their guard and God can come in. I think its better to be flawed and reach others for Christ than to pretend to be perfect and reach no one!
So the last Ninnevah in my life ( thing I was running from) was my finances. Or should I say my inability to control them. John and I have been running from our financial burdens since the moment we said I do. We fell into every pitfall that you can fall into finacially. Credit cards, home mortgages, refinance, loans, and finally bancruptcy. I thought that if we moved to Chickasha that we would actually be making a better change. Our rent went down substancially, but our fuel and wear on the cars went up. It didn't matter how much John worked, we never had money at the end of our month. Suddenly, we had diapers we had to buy, formula, baby food, and doctors expenses. Although I knew that money didn't grow on trees, I was used to a habit of spending money when we had it and not saving for the future. So God's whale for us was poverty. I don't mean true poverty, because even at our lowest moments we were still richer than most of the world. But I mean, not knowing where the money was coming from to pay the electricity bill, how we would buy baby food, and eating rice and beans. I had to learn how to make bread, because we didn't have any money to buy any. We accepted food from church and family, and I had to tell people that I couldn't go anywhere because we had to save the gas for John to get back and forth to work. PLEASE dont feel sorry for us! I am not telling you this to make you feel sorry for us. Everytime, we had to ask for help, or turn down going somewhere, God was humbling us. For the first time in my life I had to look fear of rejection in the eye and say it doesn't matter what people think of me. the love of money had always controlled me. I am so grateful!! The biggest thing is that my husband is right there with me. We rarely communicated about money, unless it was to fight about it. Most of the time, we didn't even fight about it, we just conceeded to each others wishes so that we wouldn't have to be the bad guy. So finally after 10 1/2 years marriage we are communicating about money. We also have a plan to learn how to handle money. I recomend Financial Peace University to everyone. We are learning how to make a budget, how to save and plan for the future. We also have both agreed that Joslyn will grow up knowning all that we have learned so that her future is not full of money mistakes. I will forever be grateful for the lessons that God has taught us during this time.
SO like Jonah, I ran away from the task that God had set before me. And I encountered hardship along the way that I probably would have avoided had I made the changes God's way. But because of God's grace and mercy he brought Jonah and me out of the whale and taught us valuable lessons. I know though that had Jonah not run from God, his story wouldn't have been in the Bible. God can use us, runners or not. Some of us have to encounter a few whales along the way, but it does make for a better story!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)