How we are doing!

Well I thought I would do a slight update on my 6 goals. Since I am less than 3 years away from my goals, things look a little daunting. But even though, I am excited about my progress. God is slowly working in me changing the way I think and act. I have seen such progress in myself since I started this blog almost 2 years ago. Yes two years! In April it will be two years exactly and although, my blog sometimes veers off track I really believe that my original goals that I just jotted down are the things that God is working with me on. Now I am not blogging because I am a new mom with so many new experiences that I NEED an outlet. I am blogging with the full purpose of reaching others through Christ as He changes my quality of life.
1. Lose 150 lbs. Well I haven't accomplished this goal and since I haven't been weighing myself, I can't tell if I have lost anything. But, for the first time in my life I am getting up and going to the gym without outside motivation and I am addicted to a certain yoga class. In fact though I am the fattest girl in there, I feel like I belong, and that I am accomplishing more and more. Today I bought my first yoga mat and I feel like a proud yogaee (Is that a word?)! I remember when my friend Abby bought her first hiking pack and her excitement that she really was becoming a hiker. I feel that since of accomplishment, and I am hoping that eventually I will have that much success! I have to believe that!

2.Go green. Truthfully I have no idea where God is headed with us on this, since we had to move from country, where we could of had a garden and stored half of a cow and done many other green things, to an apartment. My goal is to try and start a small and I mean really small container garden of herbs this spring on my little porch. If I can keep those alive, then we will see about more. We have been recycling like crazy though. My hubby gets sick of the bags of recycled plastics, paper and tin cans that I collect. I try and take them every week because we litterally have no room to store them. But it is amazing to me how much stuff we could have been recycling all these years and didn't. My trash can doesn't have to be emptied as often and we recycle glass jars for my craft collection. We also collect those baby wipe containers and the plastic round big ice cream buckets for homeschool and craft stuff.

3.Become adventurous. On my list of 150 new things to try I have accomplished 15. And number 14 was completed the other day, because my passport has arrived. It is in a blue shiny new book and it looks so wonderful and it is so pretty! Just have to use it! When I look at the amount of time left and my still growing list of stuff to do I am bummed.  But when I remember how special some of my adventures have been and how they have slowly gotten me out of my comfort zone. Like when I walked on eggshells to remember that I would never again walk on eggshells for anyone. Or when I had my first food fight! So I know that God is really changing me through each small adventure and each time I meet new people and feel a little more confident about who God made me to be! Always stay tuned for more adventures, sometimes I schedule them and sometimes they just happen.

4.Enrich my marriage. Well I am feeling much more confident about this goal then some of the others. God has really blessed me in this department. And the reason I say this is not because I have been working on it. REALLY!!! When I took my first blue chip in CR over 4 years ago, I surrendered my marriage. And really I don't have much trouble with trying to take control over my marriage anymore. I think one of the best reasons is because I am so open about me being in recovery for codependency. I have changed so much in the ways I try and conrol others and my situations. And with me being so open about my vulnerablity I have seen amazing changes in my hubby. He is much more open with me too! Our communication has never been better and although we still have troubles like other couples do, we seem to be able to have the tools to handle them. I also have really been humbled by my friend's marriages ending and marriages mending. It makes it really easy to value what you have when you have watched your friends lose what they love.

5.Teach Joslyn to enjoy life and love others by example. Ouch this is one I really need to work on. Since I really struggle with this stage of Joslyn's life, I have trouble viewing my progress on this. And we have gone back and forth about homeschooling which would give me more time to teach her. But I think that she is going to grow up to be a very respectful young woman and I already see the love capability in her. And as far as enjoying life I know that she will. I know that providing everything a child wants does not make them happy. And happiness is not the same as joyfulness. Happiness is temporary. But I do believe that she will be reasonably happy. She has a very active imagination! My imagination has always helped me out in boring times, especially in high school, where I had my visions of my dream husbands planned down to the color of the carpet and the shoes on their feet. She is a very active child. I plan on keeping her with an active lifestyle and helping her as much as possible to not have my food addiction and laziness. And she is so curious. Although curiousity usually leads kids to trouble, it also brings them to try new things and experience life in a way I strive to!

6. Grow closer to God. Well that is apparant even to me! I feel with each new experience and each new trial God is pulling me closer and knocking down those walls I have built between us. Reading the entire Bible is something I plan on starting soon. But starting a new ministry is something I never knew that would happen and it has. Corinthian Writers is growing and we are now looking to expand and start adding writers to our group. Why because up until now God has provided each writer and girl as needed and we are so blessed for that. But He is showing us that we need to take a leap of faith and start ministering to a certain group home. I won't mention the home yet until it is finalized (we are in the beginning stages now) but we will require many more devoted ladies and gents that would like to commit to writing a hand written letter a month to a girl or boy that could use some encouragement. Some of the stipulations are that you need to have a strong faith in the Lord and you would need to take this ministry very seriously as we do, wanting to encourage and not destroy and lead to the Lord not away from the Lord. So it doesn't matter where you live, but if you would pray about this and see if this ministry is something you need to be involved in, then please contact me.

Thank you again for all of your comments and support as I continue on this path of enlightenment. My question for you would be: have you seen a change in me since you have started reading and what do you look forward to me accomplishing most on my goals? Have a great week!

Valentine's Day

This year for Valentine's day John surprised me with some chocolate covered strawberries and a wonderful note that brought me to tears and I surprised him with a big package of new socks. But we were supposed to go to a Valentine's Murder mystery dinner put together by our youth for our Valentine's Day gifts to each other.

For me the romance of Valentine's Day has faded into a peaceful contentment that is so much better than the lustful years of before. No longer do I desire my husband to sweep me off my feet with the perfect gift and the even more perfect attitude. I have talked before about unrealistic expectations and how they can lead to disaster. That perfect gift can never be found and your spouse will either stop trying to find it and resent you or break his spirit and your bank account looking. I remember spending the days before Valentine's Day hoping that John would show up with a token that would esteem his love for me and that he would then carry me into the bed room and all would be perfect! But alas my husband would either show up with a trifle gift that would cause doubt in my mind that he really loved me. After all couldn't he get the twenty or so hints that I had dropped the week before? Didn't he understand how much was riding on this gift?

Unfortunately, that was me up there, embarrassed as I must admit. Not knowing that I was holding my husband to an impossible standard. After all I hadn't purchased the hubby version that read minds or came with a prince charming romance card. My prince charming was just a man! A strong and wonderful man that was showing his love to me everyday and wondering why it was never enough. Wasn't working incredibly hard to provide what I needed and wanted and then trying everyday to figure out what I really wanted enough? Needless did he know that I couldn't tell him what I wanted if he did have the gall to ask.
My heart and mind fought over the truth of what I wanted and needed. I didn't need the gift that I longed for that day but the love and acceptance that i thought it would provide for me. I didn't want my bank account to be in the toilet just for a gift that would sit on my shelf a week later. I wanted a promise that he would always be there for me, love me like the the best love story heroes did, and fill all the holes in my heart that the world had put there. Of course he couldn't and can't fulfill any of these things!

Only God can give me the everlasting love that I desire, He will never leave me or abandon me. Only God can know my deepest desires and secrets and provide the heroic awesome love story I long to be in. And only God can heal the wounds and hurts that sin and darkness put in my life.
Once I realized what I was really longing for I set out to change it. Notice I said it not him. I decided I would seek God for those things that I longed for and a true miracle happened. God started showing me what an amazing gift in a husband He had given me.  How although I could not control that he would never leave me, pending I find a way to cheat death, I could count on a man that would work harder than I would to stay by my side. And although my robot husband was not prince charming, he would look for more and more ways to show me his love even when i didn't deserve it. And the biggest gift was that he would support me in my attempts to fill those holes in my heart, by not complaining of the endless nights I would spend in Celebrate Recovery and handling with caution the broken mess I was and am.

Slowly I noticed the changes in him. He started communicating with me more and that opened up so much room for healing in our marriage. One of the sweetest things I have seen in a long time is the healing of a marriage of some friends of mine. As I watch God restore what is broken in their lives I am reminded of how much God has restored in my marriage and in me. But I had to get to that broken place before I let him fix it. I had to let go of the control.

So I challenge you today to look at the expectations you have for your loved ones. Are you holding them to standards that only God can fill? And if so, isn't it worth the opportunity to heal for you to let go?

Lead me

LEAD ME - BY SANCTUS REAL

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying


"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?


Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone."


I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying


"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?


Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone."


So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I am called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't you lead me?


To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love
Chasing dreams that I could give up


I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this out home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone


Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone



When I first heard this song I bawled my eyes out. I had always dreamed of a husband that would lead our family God's way. After all I had been a Christian so long it was expected of me to find a husband that would be a Godly man. So when I met and fell in love with John, a non believer my family was shocked. "You will have troubles" I kept hearing. I didn't care at that point, I was so in love and so young. In fact, I was like most young people, you couldn't tell me anything I didn't already know. HA! But when I found that the wedded bliss wore off and I was left wondering, is this it? Is this the rest of my life? Living my life alone? The part where he sings I know we call this our home But I still feel alone, really spoke to me. I did feel alone and I couldn't figure out why. 


Last night, I got my 4 year chip for codependency at Celebrate Recovery and I am so excited! 4 years since I took that blue chip, surrendering our marriage and my part in it. I still remember like yesterday praying to God to just give me the courage to give up control of those things I wanted to change so badly. To live each day in my marriage knowing that God is working in me and my husband and that instead of changing my husband I needed to change. It was a night of true surrender for me and it didn't take long before a peace set in. Let me back up and tell you a few things that needed to change in me and then I can tell you what I've learned. 


It those first few trying years of marriage so much learning is to be done. Learning those annoying habits your spouse has that used to be cute. Learning how your spouse handles tough situations, and learning how they deal with someone new trying to control them. Alright ladies, I know you say not me. I don't try and control him! Yeah right! have you ever caught yourself thinking if he would just do what I ask in a timely matter we wouldn't have an issue?If he would just see it my way? If he would listen to me, I can convince him that I am right? All of these things I thought and would even say to him, not understanding why he thought my way wasn't the best. Marriage for us was a constant power struggle. Me wanting to have him comfortably under my control and have a peaceful home. And him wanting to maintain some freedom and decision making and have his dutiful wife submitting to him. Both of us were sadly mistaken. Now our situation was not uncommon. When I started going to Celebrate Recovery small group I heard woman after woman saying the same things with different situations. Whatever the issue was we just wanted it done our way and all we could see was our side of the situation. Only when God helped me to notice my inadequacies  in the marriage did my view change. I learned a phrase called unrealistic expectations. I had those for my husband. I expected him to perfectly balance his time between his work and our home. I expected him to be there for me spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically and to never let me down in those areas. If he did let me down I would hold it over his head. Then I would cry and moan about how hard my life was living with someone who did not get me. I learned that my old fears of abandonment played havoc with my new home and that I was terrified of being left alone. I knew I wasn't perfect but I never thought that I was hard to live  with. After all my friends and family loved me, I was a nice church goer, I was kind and considerate. So why wasn't it working. Why did I dream of running away everytime things go too hard? Why couldn't my husband and I hear each other even though we were begging to be heard? 


Going through the Celebrate Recovery step study helped me to sort out those old feelings and emotions that crept up from the past and threatened to ruin my marriage. The questions helped me figure out why I reacted certain ways when my life wasn't easy. I began to see patterns in my life that kept me on a path of fear instead of stepping out in faith. I saw how I really kept God at a safe distance in case he turned out to be like my earthly father and let me down. I saw clearly the expectations I had for my husband and realized that no one could live up to those standards. Not even me! I gained tools to use when life got scary on how to turn to God instead of relying on my husband or myself. I really started understanding that my husband had a history and baggage like i did, and now was interested in his side of the story and why he does things the way he does. 


So I bet you are wondering how our marriage is now. Well this isn't a fairy tale we didn't live happily ever after. But we do live much happier! I can tell you that the peace and contentment is much more present in this marriage. yes we still disagree occasionally but no longer do I dream of running away. Rarely do we have a fight that doesn't get resolved right away. I don't go to bed angry with him any more. I don't hold grudges with him. And we have had more conversations then we have ever had and I actually listen to his side and when he listens to me he hears me! This is a great thing, ya'll! And it is all because I let God lead me, and I know that with my heart he really will take care of the rest. He knows my desires and fears, he knows my future and cares about every little thing. When I lean on Him things are easier, He carries my burdens. Maybe one day my husband and I will pray together and church and tithing will be a shared vision. Maybe one day we will live our lives completely on faith in Him. But until then, I trust that God is working and thank him for what I do have, a wonderful husband that does love me and takes care of his family to the best of his ability. 

12 year anniversary!

Today I celebrate my 12 years anniversary with my husband. I wanted to dedicate a post just to him. So here it goes.

When John and I stood up in front of God and our family and friends to take that first kiss as husband and wife, I whispered something to him. Two little words: No tongue!!! To this day he will not let me live that moment down. My hubby is a jokester! His way of getting attention or calming down a situation is to make a joke. I am mrs. serious and I hate having attention drawn to me especially if it is a crowd of people. John loves attention and being the center of it. He naturally draws the attention of the room.

Being complete opposites really has been a challenge sometimes. We have had to compromise on about every decision we have made together because naturally we choose different sides of the spectrum. But it has also been an amazing gift. John makes me see the world in a different way. He has amazing faith in me that I could never have in myself. He likes things to be just so and I like to go with the flow. But he is very open to risks and new things and can be very spontaneous if he wants to be. I am more of a "lets not change things if it ain't broke" kinda girl. I am allergic to adrenaline according to him and he is right. He is one of the major reasons I decided to do an adventure list. John has always had the ability to bounce back from a tough situation and he works so hard and believes in the power of working hard. I am very lazy. I will wait till the last minute to do the things I don't want to do, John would rather get it over with. He challenges me to be a better person.

 If John and I were types of candy, I would be the soft chewy caramel and he would be a blow pop! Hard on the outside but once you got to the middle you found the good sweet stuff. His life has been hard and so he tends to be hard to get to like, but if you take the time to know him, you know that he would do anything for you. Most of my immediate family has lived with us and that would be too much for some husbands. In fact out of the 12 years we have been married maybe 3 or 4 of those we have actually lived alone. John not only put up with my family living with us but suggested it when someone needed a place to stay. He has such a big heart.

Seeing John as a dad has been the single most amazing gift of our marriage. As where I was a shoo-in to be a great mom, I think most people doubted John's ability to be a great dad. And I have to say that he truly far exceeds me in the great parent award! He is so patient with Joslyn, where in I tend to be short on patience with her. He is fun and interactive and gives her lots of his undivided attention. Anytime I am overwhelmed with life living with a toddler, he has the ability to help me face another day.

 I am so grateful that I don't have to do this thing called life alone. I truly believe that God designed us to be together. We compliment each other and stand up for each other. One thing we always said was that divorce was not an option and we stick to that like glue. Any problem arises we deal with it together. I am not the easiest person to live with and neither is he. But everyday we seem to handle issues a little bit better and we have a little more respect for each other. I love him so much!

 Thank you John for loving me, and I love you so much more everyday.

1 2 3 romance

So I know that when I say that I want to improve the romance in my marriage. I know that you are probably all thinking it's about one thing. But romance is taking that time to consider your spouse and their needs. Sometimes their needs coinside with yours, but occasionally it means the opposite of what you need. Sacrifice is sometimes the way to get exactly what you want. When we sacrifice something, God blesses us tremendously. It doesn't have to be terrible. It may mean doing the dishes, or making their favorite meal. Last week I switched John while he was mowing, he had mowed probably for 2 hours or more and looked so tired. So I told him that I would mow for awhile if he could watch the baby. It gave them Daddy daughter time and I well got to work off a few calories. What could be wrong with that. So I am going to try and find little romantic things that I could do to make his day better. Let me just say that I have the most wonderful man on the planet. Now of course he is still a man and does things well lets say differently, men do that. They can't be perfect like women! But I would do anything for this man, he is my heart, soul and love of my life! Not to mention the father to my child and a looker. Sorry ladies he's taken. For those married or not, can you find something romantic to do for the ones you love?