Falling on my knees

"Falling on my knees in worship, giving all I have to seek your face, Lord all I am is yours." - Came To My Rescue by Hillsong United

As Joslyn and I walked into church this past Sunday I was feeling good. I had gotten her ready  by myself and we were running only 10 minutes late to Sunday school. I have gotten used to going to church without my significant other. But as usual there was a small pain that went up my spine as I sit down alone. A little bit of hurt as I look around at the other oblivious couples that sit together and worship together and give together and pray together. But determined to not let the devil win I walk into the couples Bible study alone and luckily see a friend I can sit with who was also alone. The Bible study was good and I walk into the main church service into really good spirits. I find a seat in my usual area and get approached by a wonderful lady I am getting to know a little bit better in CR, we have a great conversation that I know we never would have had if I was sitting with my husband.  So when the service starts we open with some amazing worship songs. Let me stop here and tell you how wonderful our worship team is! One of my favorite new persons is our worship leader Chuck. Originally from Louisiana, he has this jazzy spirit that is infused with all the songs he sings. And having a momma who plays piano wonderfully, I can honestly say that he is one of the best piano players I have ever heard. Worship seems so natural coming from him and he has a way of making the whole crowd sway. So break over, anyways the songs were great but one of my all time favorite songs was the last one played. Revelation song
http://youtu.be/FObjd5wrgZ8

I don't think I have ever sang this song without feeling goosebumps and tears streaming down my face.
This morning was not any different. I know I would have probably not have felt that though if my hubby was there. Singing with both hands in the air reaching for my Lord and Savior and crying out to Him. So with half of the congregation sniffling we sit down to hear the message. Our Senior pastor was away speaking to the youth at the  Youth State Convention. So pastor Jamie filled in. And let me tell you she was wonderful! She spoke about security and how we tend to need security but we look for the wrong things to make us secure. Alarms, dogs, good neighborhoods, money. So many things we use to make us feel secure and yet the righteous are already secure in Him. He has our security planned out, it is us who walks away from the security to follow our own paths. It was a great sermon but it wasn't until she read this verse that I got it. You know the reason I knew I was there that day. There is always that moment in church where I feel, okay I was supposed to be here today. The verse was
 I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be a blessing. Psalms 37:25-26

My heart stops. My daughter. She will not be forsaken. I knew that God would take care of her, but I realized I had fallen into a trap. I was living my life day by day and assumed that she would chose the Lord. After all wasn't I setting a good example, wouldn't she be surrounded with my church friends that would rasie her up in the right way. But no I knew better, deep in my heart. My friends who struggle with the fact that their children aren't believers. That they make the wrong decisions that drag them away from the Lord. That no matter what they do, their children make their own decisions. Joslyn would be the same way. Choosing the wrong decisions sometimes. Sometimes running away from God when she needs to be running towards Him. It's her path not mine. But this verse is so important. The righteous's children will not be forsaken. That means when all is said and done, she will be a child of the Lord. But it was shame that brought me to the alter that morning. I hadn't been praying for my daughter's salvation. I haven't been faithful in praying for my husband to be brought back to the Lord. When they opened up the alter, I ran down there falling on my knees. Crying to the Lord for forgiveness. And feeling His love, thanking Him for my husband and my daughter. Then begging for my daughter to find Him and be a girl and woman that has a faith that changes the world. Most people want their children to be successful. But successful how? I want Joslyn's successes to be for the Kingdom of God not of this world. Who cares if she has a great job if she isn't following God's path. Who cares if she is making enough money for all the things she wants, if she isn't content in what God has given her? I also begged for God to bring my hubby back to Him. For me to have the faith and belief in Him that it shines through me in all I do. And for us to be a family that prays together and does God's divine work together.
I have made a commitment to be praying for them every night. Down on my knees praying. Heart opened and tears streaming prayers. Last night while my hubby went and got dinner (yummy chinese) I went to my room and dropped to my knees. I prayed for you too. For you to find your potential in Christ and to drop to your knees in heart wrenching prayer.

http://youtu.be/gArr7gyiMBY

To Emulate or Not to Emulate

em·u·late

   [v. em-yuh-leyt; adj. em-yuh-lit]  Show IPAverb, -lat·ed, -lat·ing, adjective

verb (used with object)

1.

to try to equal or excel; imitate with effort to equal or surpass: to emulate one's father as a concert violinist (dictionary.com)

I always thought emulate meant copy but when I read the full description I was surprised at the surpass part. Secretly we all want to be better. Better at maintaining our work, better at being a mom, better than our neighbor. Nah, none of us want to better than another person. Right? Well I don't know about you but I fight that urge all the time. 

Common codependent behavior, strive for excellence! Don't let anything keep you from doing your best. Well, I would love to say that I always do my best, but that would be a flat out lie. Nobody can do their best all of the time? I would even risk saying that most people don't even do their best most of the time. 

We tell our kids to do their best but do we prepare them for failure too. If we constantly strive for excellence and then don't get it, what happens? Do you get disappointed? Do you get angry? Do you work harder? 

Unrealistic expectations is a word I hear a lot in Celebrate Recovery. It isn't until I examined my life that I realized I had some unrealistic expectations of people. I expected my husband to shoulder the weight of my issues and my baggage. I didn't even know that I was doing it.  I expected my mom to be able to be there for me anytime I wanted, when my dad left. I didn't consider the toll it took on her and how much she did sacrifice. I realized that I was setting myself up for failure if I strive for excellence in everything and of everyone. 

When someone disappoints us we need to see where we went wrong too. Were we expecting too much out of them? Were we holding that prize a little too high so that it was impossible for them to reach it? I used to do this to a coworker. I didn't mean to always, but she was so hard for me to love. We differed on so much, but what really bothered me about her was what we did the same. Everything was a competition. Who could do their work better. Who had the better car. Who looked better. Who helped others better. What a contradiction to what Christ had done for us. But, I didn't realize why we fought each other. I think I saw things in her that she did that I didn't like and deep down I knew I struggled with the same thing. Her life pointed out my failures on an hourly basis. But instead of working through them I pretended that her faults were the plank and I only had sawdust if any. What a shame! I took a potential friend and child of God and turned them into an enemy. We emulated each other to the breaking point.  

One of my big fears about homeschooling is that I will set unrealistic expectations on Joslyn and not see how I am setting her up to fail. So to combat that I am praying now for guidance and compassion. Forgiveness and boldness. She is very strong willed as a toddler and we struggle through many things right now. From brushing her hair to nap time, even the simplest things can become a battle if I let them. So I try and remember to pick my battles. Is it really important to fight with her about this? If I let her have her way is it going to be dangerous or damaging to her or what we are trying to accomplish? Most importantly, I want to remember that in failing their are lessons too. Like forgiveness, and asking for help, and compassion, and helping others because you have been there too! That is what God designed our lives to be, to help each other. That is why He lets us go through the storm instead of removing it.  

Emulating isn't always bad. It is impossible for us to not copy each other, in my opinion. Sometimes we take someones idea and make it our own or make it better. That is how most things were invented. Joslyn emulates me all the time and every time she does she is learning. Learning word sounds and numbers and emotions and reactions. For example she has learned the word NOW because mommy says pick up your cup Joslyn and when she doesn't do as told, Mommy usually adds the word now with a firm voice. Joslyn will say to me "Cracker! Now! It is funny how you don't even realize the words you say until your toddler says them. After all I picked up my talking habits from emulating those around me. And they emulated someone else. 

I am trying to learn the best home school techniques by emulating the home school mothers I know that do it well. I have gotten on a home school website and look for ideas and tools and tricks of the trade. I follow advise and give advise too. God made us each unique with different situations and different ideas. If we put our ideas together, we can come up with the best ideas. But our ideas won't work for everyone and we have to give credit where credit is due. I try and remember that the idea is no more important than the person. If it is someone's idea I ask and then if they say no, then move on to something else. God will work on their heart and He will work on you too. These are some things that I am learning everyday!