Falling on my knees

"Falling on my knees in worship, giving all I have to seek your face, Lord all I am is yours." - Came To My Rescue by Hillsong United

As Joslyn and I walked into church this past Sunday I was feeling good. I had gotten her ready  by myself and we were running only 10 minutes late to Sunday school. I have gotten used to going to church without my significant other. But as usual there was a small pain that went up my spine as I sit down alone. A little bit of hurt as I look around at the other oblivious couples that sit together and worship together and give together and pray together. But determined to not let the devil win I walk into the couples Bible study alone and luckily see a friend I can sit with who was also alone. The Bible study was good and I walk into the main church service into really good spirits. I find a seat in my usual area and get approached by a wonderful lady I am getting to know a little bit better in CR, we have a great conversation that I know we never would have had if I was sitting with my husband.  So when the service starts we open with some amazing worship songs. Let me stop here and tell you how wonderful our worship team is! One of my favorite new persons is our worship leader Chuck. Originally from Louisiana, he has this jazzy spirit that is infused with all the songs he sings. And having a momma who plays piano wonderfully, I can honestly say that he is one of the best piano players I have ever heard. Worship seems so natural coming from him and he has a way of making the whole crowd sway. So break over, anyways the songs were great but one of my all time favorite songs was the last one played. Revelation song
http://youtu.be/FObjd5wrgZ8

I don't think I have ever sang this song without feeling goosebumps and tears streaming down my face.
This morning was not any different. I know I would have probably not have felt that though if my hubby was there. Singing with both hands in the air reaching for my Lord and Savior and crying out to Him. So with half of the congregation sniffling we sit down to hear the message. Our Senior pastor was away speaking to the youth at the  Youth State Convention. So pastor Jamie filled in. And let me tell you she was wonderful! She spoke about security and how we tend to need security but we look for the wrong things to make us secure. Alarms, dogs, good neighborhoods, money. So many things we use to make us feel secure and yet the righteous are already secure in Him. He has our security planned out, it is us who walks away from the security to follow our own paths. It was a great sermon but it wasn't until she read this verse that I got it. You know the reason I knew I was there that day. There is always that moment in church where I feel, okay I was supposed to be here today. The verse was
 I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be a blessing. Psalms 37:25-26

My heart stops. My daughter. She will not be forsaken. I knew that God would take care of her, but I realized I had fallen into a trap. I was living my life day by day and assumed that she would chose the Lord. After all wasn't I setting a good example, wouldn't she be surrounded with my church friends that would rasie her up in the right way. But no I knew better, deep in my heart. My friends who struggle with the fact that their children aren't believers. That they make the wrong decisions that drag them away from the Lord. That no matter what they do, their children make their own decisions. Joslyn would be the same way. Choosing the wrong decisions sometimes. Sometimes running away from God when she needs to be running towards Him. It's her path not mine. But this verse is so important. The righteous's children will not be forsaken. That means when all is said and done, she will be a child of the Lord. But it was shame that brought me to the alter that morning. I hadn't been praying for my daughter's salvation. I haven't been faithful in praying for my husband to be brought back to the Lord. When they opened up the alter, I ran down there falling on my knees. Crying to the Lord for forgiveness. And feeling His love, thanking Him for my husband and my daughter. Then begging for my daughter to find Him and be a girl and woman that has a faith that changes the world. Most people want their children to be successful. But successful how? I want Joslyn's successes to be for the Kingdom of God not of this world. Who cares if she has a great job if she isn't following God's path. Who cares if she is making enough money for all the things she wants, if she isn't content in what God has given her? I also begged for God to bring my hubby back to Him. For me to have the faith and belief in Him that it shines through me in all I do. And for us to be a family that prays together and does God's divine work together.
I have made a commitment to be praying for them every night. Down on my knees praying. Heart opened and tears streaming prayers. Last night while my hubby went and got dinner (yummy chinese) I went to my room and dropped to my knees. I prayed for you too. For you to find your potential in Christ and to drop to your knees in heart wrenching prayer.

http://youtu.be/gArr7gyiMBY

Pride! Watch out I am on my soapbox again!

Pride! That words shivers through my body when I say it. It is something that I have struggled with and it is something that most people struggle with. In fact I will go out on a limb and say that I think every person struggles with it. Pride for your school is good, pride in your soul is another thing. The worst thing about pride is it hides inside where you can't see it and when it does show up, it rarely comes out without doing vast amount of damage. To you to others and to your relationship with God. How can we follow in Christ's footsteps when we have pride in our hearts? Well Christ is the key to evicting pride out of your life.
The biggest place pride is evident to me is when I talk about Celebrate Recovery. Oh you go out and hang with those people? No one says that to my face, but sometimes it is evident on their face. When I first heard about Celebrate Recovery I thought things like: I don't have any problems like that!  Isn't that for addicts? I am too busy! On and on excuses! Please don't get me wrong, I am not judging anyone out there, whether they go to CR or not. But I want to explain how CR opened my eyes to a whole new side of God's love. I want everyone to feel that love and acceptance that I do when I go there. I want everyone to know how good it can feel to hang out with other believers despite their background. I want everyone to cry when they hear the testimonies of people who have been through hell on earth and have not only survived but have triumphed because of God's grace. I want everyone to see what being on the otherside of the fence looks like. How ex convicts are reaching others still in prison. How people who have been addicted are now helping others stay sober. How those who have grieved for years are seeing the Son shine again and are experiencing joy. How people that have been angry and bitter for a long time feel the freedom of forgiveness. And how those who struggle with pride are brought down to their knees in humility in the presence of God's grace. His loving grace! That is how I feel when I am there. I cry, I laugh, I share, I open up, I recieve, every time! Don't you want to feel like that?
Did you know that Jesus held recovery meetings all the time? He was the one eating with the sinners. He was washing the feet of some prideful people. He ate with people who were unbearable to others. He touched the lepers. Oh to be in His presence! What a feeling it must have been. But i feel like I am with Him when I am there. I have been to many churches and I have felt like that many times. but sometimes that feeling can be drowned out by all the rules and regulations. By all the standards you hold yourself and others too. By expectations! What do you expect out of church? What do you expect out of God? What do you expect from your family? From your job? From your friends? From yourself? What happens when these expectations are not met? Your reactions to life are a good compass to see how you are doing spiritually. Especially for those stubborn hard to see sins. Sloth, gluttony, envy, pride, anger, wrath, lust. Those aren't as evident as some of the sins we hold others accountable to. Murder, stealing, homosexuality, adultery, pornography. The world is very judgemental to those with "the big sins", but it is accepting and forgiving for those "little sins". Well God sees all sins as the same. And we should too. All sins keep us from God. From feeling His love as deep, from hearing His voice as loud, and from doing His will as well as we were meant to. But God also gave us a way to be free from our sins. I have found that any hurt, habit or hang up can be overcome with God! And Celebrate Recovery is one of the places that can help you do that. It is also a way you can use your God given talents and share your story to help others. Our job is to spread the good news to others. This is so easy to do when you are on God's path. Is Celebrate Recovery for you? I hope so. I love you so much and I would love for us to walk this path together!

Ponderings of a Church Youth Worker!

Disclaimer - The things I am going to say in this blog are purely my opinion. I have worked with youth for over 8 years in a church setting. I am not an expert! But I believe everything I write to be true and hope that it helps those who need to hear it.

These are some things I have come to realize while working with the youth of today.


1. You can't raise a child alone. - You might have heard the saying " It takes a village to raise a child." I completely agree. Moms and dads or grandparents or guardians who are raising their children without any outside influence are destined to fail. Have you ever noticed that dangerous cults and militant groups hide themselves away for the most part and only show themselves when it usually is too late. How as parents are we to raise a child on our own and give them the best upbringing? When I started working in  WCC's youth department, there were around 700 kids that would show up for Wednesday night youth service. Most of these kids didn't go to church on a regular basis, but they came there. I noticed a few things. A lot of the kids that didn't come to church, just came for their friends. Most didn't want any adult interaction, just to have a good time. Yet they came to a church service, listened to the music, fidgeted through the sermon and would come back the next week. Usually with more friends. Now, that isn't to brag on the church, though I love it so. They wanted attention and not just from their friends. Adults who were there every week who would show them attention. Sometimes we had to try real hard for their attention, but even though they seemed like they didn't care; we know that they did. They could have gone to a park or a friends house, but instead they hung out with us. The most successful parents I know have their kids involved in church and or other positive outlets. It is not just to keep the youth busy, but to involve other positive adults into their lives. Now I am not saying dropping your kids off at church, makes your kid successful. You have to be involved. Get to know the sponsors/leaders. Find out what the sermon/ lesson is about. Ask your them questions. Be involved! But don't do it alone. Involving God into your family is the single most influential decision you can ever make. He and only he can change hearts. But adding positive role models into your family's life will not only make you a better parent but a better person.

Freedom isn't free -  It was a pleasure of mine to get to go to an Orange Conference as part of my youth training. This conference was about bringing church leaders and parents together to raise a child. It was wonderful and I learned so much. But what astounded me the most was that after elementary school most parents dropped off the radar in their child's life. Thoughts that the middle schooler or teen was old enough to have a little freedom. So parents would back off and let their child have amazing amounts of freedom. But freedom isn't free and it can cost you too much. Young adulthood is a time of turmoil and choices and finding identity and when a youth is left alone with these decisions and hard times, they are likely to fail. As a youth worker I was always able to tell which teens had "free reign" on their own lives. There isn't as much of a description as there was a feeling about them. Sad. Usually this was because their parents weren't there at all, albeit missing mom or dad. Or that the parents weren't their emotionally for them. We would see this all the time. Parents that used drugs, had unhealthy relationships of their own, or parents whose plates were too full to deal with their older kids. These kids would start acting out for attention and when it didn't work they would go elsewhere for their love. Teens hate discipline, but they need it. If you aren't guiding their decisions then their friends are. Now, that doesn't mean they should be held on such a tight leash that they have no decisions. Eventually that leash will break and they will probably run as far away as possible. But, realizing that your teen is unique and letting him/her find their own identity through your guidance is the best possible answer in my book.

Trying on different hats - The teenage years are designed to be fun and a time where you can find yourself. I have bonded with teens wearing Gothic clothes and teens with Mohawks. I have had wonderful indepth conversations with kids that play guitar and those that play basketball. Deep down, all of them are trying to establish their unique personality but more than that they are looking for acceptance. Will I be accepted if I wear this clothing? Will mom and dad accept me only if I make perfect grades? Will I feel loved if I date this person? Will I be cool if I smoke that? These are all questions that I have seen many respectable young Christian teens ask. Of course they don't ask it out loud. Will you answer the questions or will they have to find out for themselves. In my opinion, if the questions are addressed at home and the child feels acceptance and love from their families then the teen will be able to find their uniqueness. But if they go on a quest for love and acceptance, they will forget to look for their personality and will adapt the personality of those that they feel love and acceptance from. Once the love and acceptance are established then the fun task of finding their personality can begin. Will I love to read? Will I be a leader or a follower? What will my character be. This can be fun! Letting your kids try on different hats in life will help them establish who they are. Remember failing at one thing doesn't mean they fail in life. If they don't do well in math but excel in writing, encourage those strengths. Help them find their strengths and work on their weaknesses. But remember to have fun with them. You once had to do this too. There was a student that came to my small group one night. We will call him Jerry. I was leading an all girls small group on Sunday nights and he came with his girlfriend. Jerry was the most Goth-ed out student I had ever seen. Black lipstick and black dyed hair and all. He didn't want to join the guys group so I let him stay that night in our group. He showed up for 2 groups and never showed back up again. One Wednesday night I saw him sitting in the sanctuary before the sermon started. I sat next to him exchanged plesantrys and said that I missed seeing him around. He said that him and his girlfriend broke up and he didn't come to church very often because of her. The sermon started and we didn't get to talk anymore. after service I told him that I hope that he keeps coming for him and that I hope to see him again. But I didn't see him after that. About 6 months after that a student came in to the room I was setting up and asked me if I remembered him. I apologized and said that he looked familiar but I didn't know who he was. IT WAS JERRY! But he was different. He had beautiful mouse brown hair cut professionally and was dressed in khaki pants and a nice button up shirt. Gone were the chains and the piercings. He said that I had made a big difference in his life by loving him for who he was, how he was. It doesn't take much folks to show someone you care and that makes all the difference. When you can love someone no matter what they look like or what they wear or even how they smell, you will get to see the real Jerry. Nothing can replace that feeling.

 Everyone has secrets - whether it is secrets of crushes or something more serious, everyone holds something back. But deep down we all want to tell our secrets to someone. Someone we can trust to keep it safe. Way back when I was a teenager, I was considered put together. I usually had the right answers, made the right decisions and knew how to make the adult think that I was ok! But on the inside I wasn't. I had thoughts of suicide all the time and tried it twice. I didn't know how to tell my secrets. I was too afraid to show my hand that I would collapse and never get back up again. Now my childhood wasn't that awful. I did have a dysfunctional family, but who doesn't? When I was in youth for a couple of years I learned why I went through my childhood. There are so many teens out there the same way I was. The pressure of life in even the happiest of families can crumble a person. I remember talking with one of my dear students one night. We were just shooting the breeze and she dropped a bomb on me. She had been experimenting with cutting. I was flabbergasted, though I tried not to look it. Her parents were active in the church, she was at every youth event and was one of my students that I thought had it together. I fell for the same stereotype I was famous for. This was when I realized that I wasn't an anomaly. You can be a good student, make the right decisions and have a mostly happy childhood and still feel helpless. This is why small groups are so important, for adults and for students. Everyone needs a place to feel safe and feel that they can share their secrets without getting disciplined for them. Now as an adult my safe place is Celebrate Recovery. They even have a teen version of CR. There are youth groups all over the world that have small groups designed for this purpose. Don't wait till it is too late.

Friends!

It is very hard for me to believe that it has almost been a year since we moved out to the country, Chickasha, OK! Boy time does fly when you are having fun. I have discovered so much in this year that it is almost immeasurable. God has taught me many lessons this year through the help of friends and I want to take this time to thank those people that have been monumental in this year.
First I have grown many steps in my quest to enjoy "quiet time". I am not referring to quiet moments, which are only possible in this house if the toddler and all the dogs are sleeping. I am referring to being alone. You see, one of my constant struggles as a codependent is being alone. My inner being detests alone time. The devil knows this and uses every opportunity to bring me down, tell me lies and drudge up the past. But luckily God has used certain wonderful people in Chickasha to help me through these struggles and to teach me how to use this time to grow closer to God and learn more about myself.
Megan. She is a fellow blogger and Stay at home mom. I don't think she knows how much she has enriched my life. When I was searching for friends she befriended me at church and always had a friendly smile to offer. She is one of those people that I want to flock to because her heart for God is so available. Megan had invited us for lunch one day after church, no notice just an invite and I was and am still very grateful for that. It meant a lot that she cared enough about us to invite us over without fussing about details. It was one of the most wonderful moments I have had here in Chickasha. It seems silly but, so many people including me never show you their house without plenty of warning. Although, we are truthful in our want to enjoy and be enjoyable, there are parts of ourselves that we feel we need to hide. Messy houses, untidy places that we feel we can't expose. Now her house clean and welcoming, but it was lived in, so I felt completely comfortable to be me in her house and with her family. The experience was beautiful.  I don't know how i stumbled on to her blog, but I was amazed when I did find it. It was just what I needed. I was a new blogger and I looked to her site as a guidebook to blogging.  Her spirit is uplifting and her blogs are thought provoking and wonderfully written. I have also met many other wonderful Christian bloggers through her blog; that draw me closer to God. Please check out her blog Sorta Crunchy if you can, you won't be disappointed. I am very thankful for her.

Secondly, God has been teaching me to serve only for Him. When I started going to Celebrate Recovery at the wonderful Baptist Church here in Chickasha; I was being told by God to go a whole year without making commitments to serve in the church. This was very hard for me to do, because I had used service in the church to fill up my calendar, fill my need to be needed, and to build my self esteem. All of these things should have been lead by God, but instead I was doing them for my own selfish reasons. Celebrate Recovery helped me see why and when I was doing this, but God told me that I needed to break the habit. Yes you can get addicted to serving. Or more point in fact people. I needed them as much as they needed me and therefore I was not being God's hands and feet. I was relying on my own power, although I did it with the best intentions.  Many people have been very influential in this aspect of my growing process. Some of them are:

Cindy is (how do I say it) the most wonderful bundle of positive energy I have ever met. She has been a mentor, a friend and a provider for me this year. She is always so positive, even when times are tough. God has used her to help me get through the tough moments and help me move past my conflicts with being dependent on people. She is very wise and she guided me through writing and sharing my testimony for the first time. For this I will be eternally grateful. She is helping me to enjoy life more. It is easy for me to write about adventures but doing them is not as simple. Being in Cindy's presence is always an adventure. I will forever be grateful for her.
Jennifer is a wonderful soul and my neighbor. It was a couple of months before I got the nerves to talk to her. Meeting new neighbors has always been hard for me, since I moved a lot growing up. Once I did I was kicking myself for waiting so long. We are kindred spirits. We get each other. We have a lot in common and are both moms, Christians and wives of truck drivers. When we talk together we never want to end the conversation. God lead me to her because I needed a friend that I could see almost everyday. He knows my fears and being able to talk to someone, who isn't my husband, allows me to feel better. She also needed me to watch her daughter after school and on days when school is out. I enjoy having an older child around and Joslyn gets the interaction she needs too. I am learning so much from being in their lives and I enjoy their company very much.
Thirdly, God is teaching me that I don't have to have money to have fun or reach others for him. He has given me many ideas on how I can use what I have. I have learned so much about money in this phase of my life and I know that I am not done growing on this issue. I have talked before about our lessons through Financial Peace but I don't think I said that it would have been possible without my friend Heather.
Heather. How do I describe her? Joyous, amazing, successful, loving, generous, etc... The list could go on and on. When she joined my CR group I had no idea how influential she would be in my life. John and I started talking seriously about going to FPU but had no idea how we were going to afford the 100 enrollment fee. We figured that we would be able to raise the money some how. Well, after mentioning that in CR one night, Heather walked up to me and said that she wanted to sponsor us. She didn't even know me that well and definately didn't know John. Well, I was floored! I knew that she was obeying God by doing this. Well of course I told her that we would accept only if she would hold me accountable for going. She did and we have been great friends and accountability partners ever since. I love her dearly and feel so lucky to get to be a part of her life.
Sharon. Sharon is a woman in my Sunday School class that I was intrigued about right away. I noticed her humble attitude and serving heart right away. It took me awhile to get to talk to her because she was always surrounded by people who she was serving. Since the moment Megan had invited us to her house on a whim, I had wanted to do that for someone else. I knew that Sharon was that person. When I invited her she accepted and I was thrilled. As we ate our sausage and french fries (glamorous isn't it) , we got to talk and get to know each other. We were like two peas in a pod. Feeling the same way about so many things. We talked about our enjoyment of playing games and how it invokes wonderful feelings for both of us. A couple of months later we had our first Friday night game night. I made tons of food and expected many people but it ended up just being my sister, Sharon and I. We had so much fun. We have had many other Friday night game nights and it has always been just the two of us, well 3 Joslyn included. I have loved every one of them, getting to know this kindred spirit a little better.
There are so many people that have been influential in my life and I can't name them all. But these people have been valuable since I moved to Chickasha. I had left so many of my friends behind in the city that I felt abandoned. I pleaded with God to bring people in my life that would help me during this time of struggle.
I don't like asking people for help but God has shown me that I am not doing his will if I don't trust Him in providing for me through His people. The desires I had to help others wasn't wrong it just had to be God lead, then it could work the way it was supposed to. And it had to go both ways. I had to be humble enough to ask for help as much as I liked helping others. These people have allowed me to be who I really am and loved me for it. I couldn't be luckier.
As we look forward to a future move and the exciting new plan that God has for our lives, I can't help but be nostalgic as I look at who we are leaving behind. I will miss each of them so much! Thank you God for the people you have put in my life. May our friendships always be healthy and pleasing to you Lord. May we grow together, lifting each other up in times of need and drawing each other to your will.