Falling on my knees

"Falling on my knees in worship, giving all I have to seek your face, Lord all I am is yours." - Came To My Rescue by Hillsong United

As Joslyn and I walked into church this past Sunday I was feeling good. I had gotten her ready  by myself and we were running only 10 minutes late to Sunday school. I have gotten used to going to church without my significant other. But as usual there was a small pain that went up my spine as I sit down alone. A little bit of hurt as I look around at the other oblivious couples that sit together and worship together and give together and pray together. But determined to not let the devil win I walk into the couples Bible study alone and luckily see a friend I can sit with who was also alone. The Bible study was good and I walk into the main church service into really good spirits. I find a seat in my usual area and get approached by a wonderful lady I am getting to know a little bit better in CR, we have a great conversation that I know we never would have had if I was sitting with my husband.  So when the service starts we open with some amazing worship songs. Let me stop here and tell you how wonderful our worship team is! One of my favorite new persons is our worship leader Chuck. Originally from Louisiana, he has this jazzy spirit that is infused with all the songs he sings. And having a momma who plays piano wonderfully, I can honestly say that he is one of the best piano players I have ever heard. Worship seems so natural coming from him and he has a way of making the whole crowd sway. So break over, anyways the songs were great but one of my all time favorite songs was the last one played. Revelation song
http://youtu.be/FObjd5wrgZ8

I don't think I have ever sang this song without feeling goosebumps and tears streaming down my face.
This morning was not any different. I know I would have probably not have felt that though if my hubby was there. Singing with both hands in the air reaching for my Lord and Savior and crying out to Him. So with half of the congregation sniffling we sit down to hear the message. Our Senior pastor was away speaking to the youth at the  Youth State Convention. So pastor Jamie filled in. And let me tell you she was wonderful! She spoke about security and how we tend to need security but we look for the wrong things to make us secure. Alarms, dogs, good neighborhoods, money. So many things we use to make us feel secure and yet the righteous are already secure in Him. He has our security planned out, it is us who walks away from the security to follow our own paths. It was a great sermon but it wasn't until she read this verse that I got it. You know the reason I knew I was there that day. There is always that moment in church where I feel, okay I was supposed to be here today. The verse was
 I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be a blessing. Psalms 37:25-26

My heart stops. My daughter. She will not be forsaken. I knew that God would take care of her, but I realized I had fallen into a trap. I was living my life day by day and assumed that she would chose the Lord. After all wasn't I setting a good example, wouldn't she be surrounded with my church friends that would rasie her up in the right way. But no I knew better, deep in my heart. My friends who struggle with the fact that their children aren't believers. That they make the wrong decisions that drag them away from the Lord. That no matter what they do, their children make their own decisions. Joslyn would be the same way. Choosing the wrong decisions sometimes. Sometimes running away from God when she needs to be running towards Him. It's her path not mine. But this verse is so important. The righteous's children will not be forsaken. That means when all is said and done, she will be a child of the Lord. But it was shame that brought me to the alter that morning. I hadn't been praying for my daughter's salvation. I haven't been faithful in praying for my husband to be brought back to the Lord. When they opened up the alter, I ran down there falling on my knees. Crying to the Lord for forgiveness. And feeling His love, thanking Him for my husband and my daughter. Then begging for my daughter to find Him and be a girl and woman that has a faith that changes the world. Most people want their children to be successful. But successful how? I want Joslyn's successes to be for the Kingdom of God not of this world. Who cares if she has a great job if she isn't following God's path. Who cares if she is making enough money for all the things she wants, if she isn't content in what God has given her? I also begged for God to bring my hubby back to Him. For me to have the faith and belief in Him that it shines through me in all I do. And for us to be a family that prays together and does God's divine work together.
I have made a commitment to be praying for them every night. Down on my knees praying. Heart opened and tears streaming prayers. Last night while my hubby went and got dinner (yummy chinese) I went to my room and dropped to my knees. I prayed for you too. For you to find your potential in Christ and to drop to your knees in heart wrenching prayer.

http://youtu.be/gArr7gyiMBY

Toddler

Life with a toddler is about as pleasant for me as it is for most people to go to the dentist. Please don't get me wrong, I absolutely could not love my daughter any more than I do now, but this stage in life is testing my boundaries. I knew I would never be good at this stage. When I was 19 I worked at a daycare and I loved the baby room. The littlest babies would come in cooing and babbling and I would hold them and love on them. And then there was the 5 year olds. They would come in after kindergarden and we would talk about their day and help them with homework. But the 2 through 4 year old rooms, I would almost have to go in there medicated. And surely after the day was done I would definately need the pain reliever. The screaming, the yelling, the tantrums, and the excessive whining; would drive me bonkers. Needless to say I didn't keep that job long. My favorite stage was teenagers. I loved everything about them. Even the rolling of eyes and sarcastic tones. I worked with youth for over 8 years and loved almost every minute of it.

I think my problem with this stage in life is the communication barrier. I want to get across to her that throwing her lunch on the floor to the dogs and then eating out of their bowl is unacceptable. But everytime we go through this, she seems to think it is a game. Just as climbing on the table to see what my response would be, is not as fun for me as it is for her. If it weren't for her sweet face and the ever diminishing sweet moments we have together, I might have thrown in the towel. Thank goodness that I have other mommy friends that seem to be having just a hard time of this as I am. Not that I am happy that they are having a tough time, it is that I don't want to be the only one. I find my patience being tested hourly.

Still, there are so many times during the day I see her sweet personality shine through that defiant no no and I thank God that I get to be a part of her life. When daddy takes her to bed and they say their prayers, I am praying too. "Thank you for this wonderful life that you have let me be apart of. Help me Lord to get it right. To see past the distractions and pain and guide her straight onto your path. Help me to be a shiny mirror reflecting your love and grace and mercy. And Lord help me to always remember that my time with her is short and everchanging. Help me to cherish every moment.  Amen"

My sweet hubby and I were talking the other night and I brought up how nice it would have been if the hospital didn't lose our manual to this wonderful present. In fact all my manuals, in life have been lost, except one.  And I will be learning from that manual the rest of my life.