My Big Life Change!

Picture taken by Abby Austin of 1000 Miles on my own two feet.


To transform my life, with God's help of course, one step at a time.

1. Get healthy & honor God with my body

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

2.Become at least 50% sustainable with emphasis on doing our part to take care of God's planet.

3. Live life as an adventure, experiencing new places, things & people.
18 out of 150 bucket list goals accomplished

4. Become debt free & build security for my family, so we can then bless others financially also.

5. Continue to grow closer to God, building My family's faith & sharing the Gospel with those we meet, by using the talents and gifts God has provided us.

6.Continue to make money by creating and sharing my thoughts and beliefs through artistic expression: all the while hoping that my art will impact others. "Holly Kennedy

: All I know is, if you don't figure out this something, you'll just stay ordinary, and it doesn't matter if it's a work of art, or a taco, or a pair of socks! Just create something... new, and there it is, and it's you, out in the world, outside of you, and you can look at it, or hear it, or read it, or feel it... and you know a little more about... you. A little bit more than anyone else does... Does that make any sense at all?" Quote from PS I LOVE YOU

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

So grateful!

Sometimes life just throws the towel at you! But you can either throw it back, or decide to take a bath. I want to bathe, in His love and peace. I want those healing waters to wash over me and my family. I will not give in!

Sickness is a horrible part of my life right now. From the words of my pediatrician the only way for Joslyn to get healthy is for her to get sick! Yeah that makes sense! NOT!

We are dealing right now with a nasty virus that has left us full of snot and empty of energy.
I know it snot what you wanted to hear right? HeHe!

But, really! I could be disappointed that this is messing with my workout schedule. I could moan about how hard life is, and how much the medicine has cost us, how much sleep has been lost in the void. But I have been recently humbled from some things that make me so grateful for what I have now. Friends and family that help us when we need it. Like my adopted mom Marcie who came all the way across town to help me give Joslyn a breathing treatment. And my sister who comes over with my nephew risking the germs to cheer me up and make dinner for us! Two Celebrate Recovery families that love me exactly as I am hurts, habits and hang-ups. The most amazing husband that a woman could ask for. And you guys! Wonderful blog readers that take my life as it is and encourage and share your lives back with me.  

But, now I need you! God is trusting us with some scary situations right now. I can't get into it, until we know for sure, but will you please pray for us? We don't want our fear to guide our lives, we want God to. And I pray for you too! That you will let God guide you in all you do. But the great thing is that if we fail, He loves us just the same, and we should do that for others too! Not treating their failures as bad, but as opportunities to humble us, to teach us and to bring us closer to Him.

Thursday, January 26, 2012


What does cheating really do? Cheating on a test, robs you of the responsibility to learn. Cheating on a diet, robs you of that chance to stay and become healthy, focused and clear. Cheating in a relationship, robs you of the trust, security and unconditional love of that person. For the past 2 months, God has surrounded me with people who have been cheating or have been cheated on. I am continuously shocked and saddened for the hurt that surrounds those people. Before I started Celebrate Recovery, I would be so judgemental of the cheaters and so codependent with the ones cheated on. Telling them that it will be okay, trying to help fill that void. Now I feel constant compassion for all of them. Why? Because we are all sinners! Step one in the twelve steps defines it perfectly.
Realize I am not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.
"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23
So true for it to say i cant control my tendency to do the wrong thing. To expect perfection in others when we are powerless ourselves is wrong and unrealistic. We are just decieving ourselves and judging others by ignoring our sins and our need for saving.
" I know that nothing good lives in me, that is in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but cannot carry it out." Romans 7:18
But I have wondered why, God has put these people in my life. Am I to do something to help them? Am I to learn something? I know nothing of adultery in my own life. I cannot tell someone how I got over this. But I do know the pain of divorce and broken hearts. My life was ravaged by the divorce and seperation of my parents. The bonds of marriage are not to be taken lightly. The destruction from a broken vow can break down every person in a family and can be carried for many years. Those feelings of hurt and pain on both sides can fester if not dealt with. I lived almost twenty years with the hurt thinking that it wasn't affecting me. Not knowing that the feelings of emptiness and need to control my own destiny were slowly putting me in a box.
"You can't heal a wound by saying it's not there!" Jeremiah 6:14
But I know without a shadow of doubt that God has placed me in their lives for one reason only, and that is to guide them back to Him.
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." James 5:16
Only Christ can heal the wounds and damage that adultry and divorce cause. And trying to heal on your own is not healthy.
"Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively. If one of them falls down, the other can help him up. But if someone is alone... there is no one to help him... Two men can resist an attack that would defeat one man alone." Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
So, I hope that my life and decisions help lead them to Him. Celebrate Recovery is the best place for anyone who has ever had a hurt, hang-up or habit that keeps us from trusting God. And I pray for you, that God would make you the person that shines what Christ did and is still doing in us.
"For it is God who works in you to will and to act accordingly to His good purpose." Phillippians 2:13
And for those who have been cheating or have been cheated on. Please remember that hurt people hurt people. Please don't cheat yourself out of a chance to heal and become whole. Let God renew and restore you. Did you know that Celebrate Recovery is anonymus? What is said there and who is seen there, stays there! So don't be afraid to give it a chance! For those of you who live in my area, email me or Facebook message me and I would be happy to help you find a CR close to you. Or you can go to to find one near you. I love you!
"I am sure that God who began the good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in His grace until His task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns." Phillipians 1:6

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Week 2

Here is how my morning should have gone.

Wake to a beautiful smiling little girl who has slept through the night, right at 6:30. Be refreshed from my 8 hours of sleep. Have John hop into the shower then get dressed while I get the smiling pumpkin her morning milk and we snuggle for a little while. Then while daddy is walking the very patient doggies outside before they have made accidents in the house, this momma is getting dressed and ready to workout. Then daddy helps Joslyn get dressed, her cooperating the entire way, making the dressing sequence easy and quick. Meanwhile momma is in the kitchen making our new breakfast treats. Afterward, daddy, momma and darling daughter sit at the perfectly clean table and finish all of breakfast, daddy does some work at the computer while Joslyn and momma do puzzle and calendar time. Then we brush our teeth and all head out the door together, with a loving kiss goodbye.

This is how my morning actually went.

3:00 Joslyn awakes and I get up and put her back to bed
3:45 repeat first line.
5:00 wake up to Jinger getting ready to throw up in the bed next to my head, get her down off the bed in time to her her throw up on the carpet. Vow to clean it up when I get up.
6:45 Joslyn wakes up and asks to watch Dora, I get her milk and tell her no and we head back to bed together.
6:55 Joslyn asks daddy for her Clifford dog and they go on a hunt for Clifford while momma crawls back under the blanket. She is extra tired since she decided to stay up last night and finish her book.
7:10 daddy gets  dressed, to walk the dogs and finds out that Jinger didn't wait for him to take her out. She has been rebelling for the last few months on going potty in the house, we think it is because she is not getting as much attention as before and that she doesn't have a yard anymore.
7:15 momma gets diaper bag ready and starts making breakfast. Daddy gets Joslyn dressed and it takes a long time, because Joslyn hates having her diaper changed and clothes put on.
7:35 we eat breakfast and momma goes to get dressed.
7:40 daddy leaves and momma finishes getting ready while Joslyn walks around with her breakfast and spills it on the floor.
7:45-7:55 momma steam cleans the 3 areas on the floors in different rooms very thouroghly. And grumbles the whole way.
7:55 -8:00 momma tries to get out the door, not forgetting anything, trying not to yell at Joslyn the whole time to come on and stop running and hold my hand and and and.....
8:05 we are on our way to the gym.

Well as you can see, my goals are not always realistic. Messes and delays are an every moment part of my life right now. Throw up and poop are much more prevailant in my life then I would like them to be. But, the important part to this story is that even though life doesn't always go how I want it, I don't let the craziness win. I shouldn't let the hardship in life make me quit, but instead let it guide me to peace. The devil has been working hard to derail me from this new goal. Sickness and difficulties keep trying to keep me from getting the motivation to go to the gym. The devil knows that this area in my life is a big surrender to me. Surrendering the comfort of the couch to having faith that God with help me achieve through the pain. The devil knows that being heavy has been my life long crutch. The one thing that I held highest in my life. The comfort from the food and the fear of change keeping me in a sitting position with God. Using it as an excuse to not move, to not be useful for him in ways that are scary. The devil doesn't want me to give up those comforts and fears. He wants me to hold onto the past instead of trusting in God. But he is just an obsticle that is nothing to God. When I started to trust Him, by completely surrendering these exercise hurts and fears and by trusting Him, I started to see these little things as chances to overcome. Sickness will not keep me down. Delay will not keep me sitting still. Fears will not crush this motivation. I am worth the change!

As we move into week 2 of exercising I have learned a little and grown a little. First I have learned that 2 hours is not as long as I thought it would be. After dropping off Joslyn in Child watch, I have exactly 2 hours to work out before I have to pick her up. That includes trekking back and forth to the different rooms and equipment and the locker room. I made it to 30 minutes on the treadmill, which is a huge accomplishment for me but that left only 30 minutes to do the rest of my planned workout before my 55 minute yoga class started. So unfortunately, I am going to have to play around with my schedule before I get it just right.  I also have implemented a new breakfast plan for our family. We have spent the money and have decided to do fruit Smoothies for breakfast, since none of us are breakfast eaters, but it is way too long to wait to eat till after we get back from the gym. This morning we had strawberry, banana yogurt Smoothies, they were good, I just have to remember to make Joslyn sit at the table with them if I don't want to be cleaning her floor every morning. Also, I have decided not to push myself into the Pilates class yet. I didn't go on Monday to the Pilates and was able to have time to take a shower after my workout,  and that was fabulous! I think that for sanity sake I will just do the yoga and my scheduled workouts and that means I can have a little time on Mondays and Wednesdays to shower alone and collect myself.

I hope that your year goals are going well and are moving you closer to the path God designed you on. What challenges have you had this year and are they stopping you?

Thursday, January 19, 2012

One step at a time

This morning as I entered the gym I was apprehensive. Yesterday's Mat Pilates class had left me sore and feeling fat. I was by far the thickest person there and felt completely out of place. The people in the group seemed really nice but they also seemed like a group I wouldn't fit into. The exercises were very hard and the positions were unattainable for me. But, I was proud of myself for finishing the class and feel confident that after a good amount of time I will not only be able to do the class well, but that I will enjoy it. The classes I have chosen are not only good for me but they are calming! Having a toddler, I feel constantly stressed and overwhelmed. I wanted part of my workout time to seem like a respute. A place to destress and forget about my troubles.

This morning I walked into the yoga class and assumed that I would feel out of place again, but I was surprisingly wrong. The instructor saw that I was new and came over and introduced herself. She helped me get what equipment I would need and made me really feel welcome.  I quickly realized that I had chosen the spot right next to her. Panic ensued in my brain as I realized that the whole class would see all of the moves I couldn't do. But I noticed the class was full and that I wouldn't be able to move. So I looked at it as a positive thing. I would be able to see everything she did, without having to strain or look around someone. When the class started, I was very glad to be in it. So grateful for the teacher who helped me during the class. She was clear about what she wanted me to do and I heard that the class was easier than normal from some people talking in the bzthroom, and I think that was because of me. Afterwards, she asked how I felt and told me that it would get easier if I kept coming. This made me feel good, cause I want to keep going! :-) I am going back to both classes, the mat Pilates will make me feel like I am really accomplishing something each time it gets easier. And the yoga was enjoyable and really calming. When she would talk about clearing the mind I focused on the Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time accepting hardship as a pathway to peace. Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that you will make all things right as I surrender to your will. So that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with you forever in the next! Amen

After my yoga class I met my training coach and set up my new workout plan. The Y has a program called mobile fit that uses a computer system to plan and track my workouts. I put in my goals and told it when I would workout and it and she set up what machines I should use. It was really great! I am looking forward to getting on there and checking off those workouts. I was entering my goaks for the year and if I only lose 2 pounds a week, by this time next year I can be down 100 pounds! I still will have more to lose but I am super excited about that goal! I can't even fathom being 100 pounds lighter! I would then be smaller then I was when I got married!

So, please pray for me that I continue to see the value in myself enough to keep going, and that Joslyn stays healthy so I don't have to miss my workouts. PS as a side note, God has been so good to us, Joslyn has enjoyed going to the child watch facility and has not wanted to leave.

Thank you in advance for your support. I love and pray for you all to obtain your goals for this year!

Saturday, January 14, 2012


Oh I hate insurance companies! I don't say that word often, but I am fed up with insurance companies. It is such a racket. In November, Aetna forced John's company to change the way they did insurance, so we had to get new cards again and pick our information. Due to a change in status from the insurance fairies, we had to pick from 2 insurance choices. Keep our same insurance coverage as before and pay double the price (over 400 dollars a paycheck) or chose the new plan. This new plan forced our copayments to go higher and had many other unhappy changes. So because 800 seemed like a little too much to pay a month for insurance, we had no choice but to go to the other option. But as we got our new cards we were crying when we read over the rules. The insurance would not cover urgent care visits if it was not an emergency. The insurance would not cover the emergency room costs if it was not an emergency. And it would not cover ambulance if it turned out not to be an emergency. Well, color me purple! I wonder do they think that I would take my child to the emergency room and pay the 200 dollar copay if I didn't think it was an emergency? Are they crazy? Who decides what an emergency is? What if my daughter has a symptom that seems like an emergency and then we get there and it is nothing. I can think of many occasions that happened to me and my mom. I went to the emergency room for appendicitis when I was in 5th grade and it ended up being constipation. Once my foot swelled up 3 times it size and after countless hours and tests they determined it to be only a stone bruise, which they could do nothing for. It is devastating to not know if taking your daughter to the hospital will mean not being able to afford food or if it isn't something serious. It is hard being honest and not lying to get assistance. The only way to win in this sinful world is to hold onto Jesus and the truth. You see God supersedes the rules of the world. And by doing what is right, taking the path HE chooses, He takes our fears and worries on His shoulders and gives us peace. I am trying to do right and trying to take the path less taken, so Lord give me your peace in times like these. Times when I try to understand the ways of the enemy and times when I try to control the uncontrollable. Lord I pray for your peace!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Sometimes we just need help!

Failure is a thing that defeats us all! No one is immune to failure. Sometimes though we live like it doesn't affect us. Get back up and brush it off, pretend it didn't happen. Maybe not such a great idea? I am all for getting back up, but I am not necessarily for pretending that it didn't happen. Learning from our mistakes, means admitting to them. Now that I am a mom I realize the value of that statement "Learn from others mistakes". After all, don't we want to keep our kids from falling into the same traps we did? But many times our kids do fall into those traps and  many other traps. Failure and mistakes are a part of life. But denying that they don't affect us moves us back into position to fall for the trap again. In recovery stepping out of Denial is the first step to freedom.
1.  We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Wanna know the good part about failure? Yes there is a good part. We get to enjoy the success that follows multiple failures. If we didn't fail, success wouldn't be sweet! It really wouldn't. I used to envy those 16 year olds at my school that got new cars immediately after passing their driving test. While I was stuck driving an old beat up jalopy that I shared with my mom and brother and sister. But, eventually I got to see the value in having to work for what I have.  When my husband and I bought our first car, we were over the moon. Or at least I was. Getting to drive something new was such a privilege after having to endure driving cars that smoked and had rusted out seats.  My point is that we can not only learn from failure but that failure can drive us to the point where we actually achieve. Not one successful person out there can actually say that they achieved success without multiple failures. 

My latest failure involves being able to get off my rear and get myself to the gym today. I had no excuse that was valid, but I used everyone of them. So in order to achieve success after failure after failure; I have asked my sweet hubby to help me. Yeah that is right! I am actually crazy enough to ask my husband to get me out of the house in the morning when he leaves and when he heads to work, Joslyn and I head to the gym. Monday through Thursday. I have 2 reasons for this. First of all, if I can get out of the house then I will not have a problem going to the gym, its the getting out of the house that is my weakness. So he is going to help me get Joslyn ready and we are going to leave together. The second reason is that I need to get into a routine that gets Joslyn and I on schedule for Home school. I am terrified that I am going to be too lazy to achieve her schedule if I don't get into one myself. I was so good about being to work on time and being efficient with my time when I had a job. But now that I make my own schedule, we can't seem to make it on time to things. So I ask for your prayers for me to get into a schedule and for me also to not take my bad mornings out on my husband.  He is a good man for offering to do this! I need so badly for this to be the time I make my life more important than my food addiction. I am stepping out of denial and asking for help. 

Now that I shared with you, can you share with me some of your latest failures? I hope that I am not alone in this. Let's be a community and pray for each other's success! 

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


I have been Hacked! For those of you not computer savvy. My email has been violated! Abused and attacked by a mindless computer and the twisted people that created the program. Sometime this morning an email was sent from my yahoo account to all of the contacts in my email lists. So if you got an email from me that just had a link in it with no subject line, DON"T OPEN IT!!!!

Apparently, this happens a lot! So hopefully you didn't open it and if you did then I am sorry, I don't really know what happens. But, you should never open an email that you don't recognize and never click on any link that you don't know what it is. So I changed my password and hopefully this will not happen again.  But this is always a lesson to learn. Just because we are protected by the king, doesn't mean that stuff won't happen to us. God lets us make the mistakes we need to make because we have free will. And sometimes stuff just happens to us because God needs us to trust Him. I know it seems awful that deaths and natural disasters are a part of life. But I have seen Oklahoma in the wake of The May 3rd 1999 tornado. Never have I seen a state pull together and search for God since that disaster. And remember 911? What happened afterwards was shock but then a country deciding that tomorrow might be too late. God works in the pain of disasters. When we stop thinking that we can control every situation that comes our way, He can enter. He wont enter if you don't open the door. but He will knock, and knock and never give up on you. So don't give up on Him. And don't give up on each other. We are not perfect and we make mistakes but He never does.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Joslyn my blessing

She's wild! She's crazy! She's a toddler and here to stay!

I don't post on Joslyn often because she is my constant. My one thing that I see everyday, 24/7. I am not saying that mothering is hard. Oh who am I kidding? Mothering is very hard. I do my darnedest to keep my blog encouraging. And because of my mommy state, I am not always in an encouraging state with her. I know, I know you thought I was always happy right? LOL! Right? But I did want to let you know some of the things that Joslyn has been doing lately. Some of my followers do not follow me on Facebook so they don't hear about what Joslyn is up to.

Joslyn is funny!

My husband said that the toddler stage is fun, and for the most part I disagree with him. But Joslyn says some of the funniest things now and then and she usually keeps us cracking up. (Putey-putey) means Hokey Pokey! (Swimming Soup) means swimming suit! (Milt) means Milk! (baby edds) is eggs in a nest! (Cubbers) means covers! For the most part we understand what she is saying, but sometimes John and I will look at each other and say what was that? She talks in complete sentences now and I remember the days I was begging for one word. Mommy is really bad about calling John Daddy in front of her, so she also calls Daddy (Don). I really try not to laugh when she does it.

Joslyn loves TV     

When I pregnant with this little monkey I swore that TV was not going to be a big part of her life. And I knew that kids that watched too much T.V weren't very active and I wanted Joslyn to be active. What I didn't know was that Joslyn was going to be a very active kid and getting her to sit down at all would be a problem. As soon as she started walking, this momma was in trouble. Even to make dinner was an issue. She wanted to be next to me at all times. Hanging under my feet and if not tearing up something, like my Bible and phone books. Until Mr. Barney came into her life. I know most people hate Barney! But at our house Barney was a life saver for this momma. I could put Barney on and she would actually stop and watch it. I was able to make dinner or do the dishes. Barney also taught her words like (pease) and (Dank U) please and thank you. Right now she isn't into Barney as much. Her favorite shows are D,D,D,Dora, Dinosaur (Twain) Train, (Penguins) Backyardagins, and (Cliffor) Clifford. We do watch a little more TV than I would like right now, but I am limiting it slowly and I have noticed that she learns really well visually, which is good. That means that the TV and Computer will be good teaching tools when we start school. 

Joslyn does not like breakfast

Sometimes as hard as we try some of our bad qualities rub off on our kids. Eating breakfast has never been easy for me. I much rather have a Dr. Pepper breakfast instead of food. Even when I was growing up I rarely ate breakfast. I know how much breakfast is important for Joslyn and me, so I try and get something made for breakfast. But Even though she is an early riser (opposite of me) she usually wont eat her breakfast until later that morning. And I believe she doesn't like eggs because of me either. I really have trouble eating eggs. Sometimes I can have them, but most of the time I cannot. Joslyn doesn't like them. But this is not new, Joslyn doesn't like a lot of food. She is so very picky about food. We struggle and struggle over food, which is no surprise since I am a food addict. I cringe every time she gives food to the dogs because she doesn't like something. Or throws it on the floor. But I know that toddlers wasting stuff is normal, but I fight against it. Waste is so hard for me to deal with, but I do. Because most of the wasting bothers me because of my addiction and not because of normal reasons. I try and question my motives and see why I get so upset over lost food. If she is really being wasteful on purpose then we deal with it and if not then I cringe in private and clean it up (if the dogs haven't already) and move on. Some of the foods she does like is peanut butter and jelly on tortillas (John started that), applesauce,  dino chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes, french fries and all types of bread and crackers and sweet stuff. She is a carb lover and a sweet lover that makes me cringe too.

Joslyn loves to play
Joslyn loves so many things. She can pick a (Donalds) McDonalds out from a mile away. She loves playing there and likes eating the french fries. She is starting to get into dolls and dress up, but she loves blocks and dinosaurs too. She loves to sing, which makes Momma's heart melt. Her favorite songs right now are Twinkle Twinkle little star and Row, Row Row your boat, ABC song, Wheels on the bus, Sunny day from Signing Time, Itsy Bitsy Spider, Little Teapot, Pat a cake, and any song from Barney. I think she will have my families musical talent, which is good because it brings us so much joy. Joslyn likes (pieces) which is puzzles. We work on some everyday. She likes to read, she doesn't really have a favorite book right now. Although we bought a Dinosaur Train book last night, which might become her favorite. She loves all things dinosaur train. She often says (Aww Aboardddd) and (Tickets pease)! She likes to dump out her toys mostly, she might be a wrecking ball operator when she grows up. Because this girl can make a mess in minutes! She loves to color and we are currently trying to find her a Dora coloring book. She likes to play with playdough and loves loves loves torturing the dogs. All day long I am onto her and the dogs to leave each other alone. Nickie likes to growl at her when she gets too close and she thinks it's funny and goes over and picks on him. And then when Joslyn has food in her hands Nickie follows her around and tries to swipe her food out of her hands. She loves time with friends and loves the water. Definately going to be a fish this one!

Joslyn IS

Stubborn. Super smart. Beautiful. Selfish. A miracle. A blessing. A pain. Curious. A fighter. Destructive. Sweet. My heart. My life. My daughter. 

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Blast from the Past

I just saw this on my friends Renee's blog and had to do one for myself! So much fun! Yes you should do one too!

As a little girl I used to play with these...

And these were very popular...

I had lots of these...

And played with this all the time...

We played with these with our hands and our feet...

And I used to cool down in the summer with this...

Didn't everyone have one of these...

But as I got a little older I became interested in these...

And instead of toys I was interested in books like this...

and like this....

Suddenly things to do included these...

And I watched a lot of this...

And I really loved to watch this...

But even later those TV shows were boring compared to...


When I wasn't watching TV I listened to a lot of ...


I used to day dream about boys while playing...

Usually I ended up marrying...

Or one or all of ....

But I was also up on the latest fads made popular by...

And of course...

My hair went through many phases but this was my favorite do...

these were in style...

And my shirts looked a lot like this...

But I wasn't a total spaz, I knew who he was...

And I mourned the death of ...

And ...

So chew on this....

And have you a little...
While you reminisce!!!

Friday, January 6, 2012


Today is all I can think about.
Today is all I can see
Tomorrow is another worry
Who knows what tomorrow may be.

When facing the trials of today
I pray good deeds I would do
But if with that I fail
Thank goodness I can lean on you.

Though life is hard at this moment
Your grace and mercy I know
Will bring me through to the sunshine
Each day a little stronger I grow.

I may have not done the right thing
I may have not done wrong
You hold me every moment in your hands
To you I will always belong.

Thank you Lord for today
Another chance to be free
To speak of your incredible goodness
And how you have saved me.

Tomorrow I am not promised
Tomorrow I may not see
Lord, let me cherish each moment
For today you have given me.

Written 1/05/2012 by Teresa Ellifritt

Thursday, January 5, 2012

When the pain gets to be too much

I have been filled with sadness for some of my friends that are experiencing hardships right now. Marriages breaking, death, sickness and more. As a codependent, it is easy for me to feel the pain of others. I have always had compassion for those who are hurting. I have less compassion though for those who hurt. But in Celebrate Recovery, I have learned that hurt people hurt people. As human beings we all bring our hurts and habits and hangups into our relationships. And it is really naive to think that the past doesn't still have an effect on our today.
But when I walked into Celebrate Recovery for the first time I had no clue.  I was living in major denial of my previous hurts, I had no clue that I couldn't fully commit to a relationship because of the abandonment I felt in my heart. I didn't know that I substituted serving to get the acceptance and love I was craving. I really thought that it was normal to be two different people, the one I let others see and the one that only God knew about. But living life like that was exhausting. I never understood why I was always too tired to do what I needed to do for me, because I was busy holding the world up. My friends, my family, my coworkers. I thought that I had to be there for them 24-7 and that if I couldn't be who they needed me to be that I wasn't serving the Lord. People pleasing is a dangerous and exhausting game. It never gets you the results you want and it isn't actually helping those you think. Enabling and people pleasing go hand in hand. Sometimes the Lord wants us to stand up and say no. And when we do that we can really see what He is asking us to do. Who He wants us to help and how we are to serve Him without exhausting ourselves. Without being 2 people and without feeling void of what we need. Serving the Lord isn't always easy, in fact doing the right thing is usually the harder thing to do. Sometimes it means that we have to step over that crevice of pride that keeps us from truly gaining His blessing. Fear is a big obstacle that keeps us from doing what God wants. Fear of rejection, fear of embarrassment, fear of failure. The pain has to be greater than our fear. Sometimes God lets us go through these painful moments to bring us back to Him. Yes Almighty could keep your marriage together, but because of His love for us He lets us make our own bad decisions. And as far as death, I don't have the magic answer of why God lets people die. But I know that this life is temporary for everyone and is only a precursor to the afterlife. We should value the time we have on Earth with our loved ones. And for a believer, death is just the beginning of a wonderful eternity. If I could offer any comfort is this time to others, it would be to stop running from God. Stop trying to hold up that heavy burden. Run to the One who can help. Run to Jesus who never lets you down. Run to the Father that does not abandon. Give the weight to the Lord. He will lift you up. He has for me, I pray for you it will be also!

Monday, January 2, 2012

You are a diamond!

About 100 miles under the surface sits a diamond of the rarest kind. It was formed by amazing pressure and power. And after it forms it sits and waits for a volcanic explosion to uproot it from it's nesting spot and spew it onto the Earth's crust. The lava carries it to a perfect spot and hardens around the diamond and protects it from the elements. Then one day a person with a shovel and pick cracks the lava rock around it holds it into the light. Value, they see in this dirty misshapen piece of Earth.They then take the diamond to a cutter.
 The most time-consuming part of the cutting is the preliminary analysis of the rough stone. It needs to address a large number of issues, bears much responsibility, and therefore can last years in case of unique diamonds. The following issues are considered:
  • The hardness of diamond and its ability to cleave strongly depend on the crystal orientation. Therefore, the crystallographic structure of the diamond to be cut is analyzed using x-ray diffraction to choose the optimal cutting directions.
  • Most diamonds contain visible non-diamond inclusions and crystal flaws. The cutter has to decide which flaws are to be removed by the cutting and which could be kept.
  • The diamond can be split by a single, well calculated blow of a hammer to a pointed tool, which is quick, but risky. Alternatively, it can be cut with a diamond saw, which is a more reliable but tedious procedure.  
  • After the initial cutting the diamond is polished into various shapes and sizes for many different uses. Polishing is even more tedious and slow but it removes more impurities and brings out the shimmering beauty of the diamond.                                                                         The diamonds are then chosen for their duties to either be used in tools or machines to do more cutting or to be put on display. Certain diamonds have been contaminated with minerals they absorb around them that give them their different colors.
  • All diamond info was taken from wikipedia click here if you want to learn more.                                       

You are a diamond! Formed in a miraculous way by your wonderful Creator. Sifted through time and space to be brought up to the surface at a precise moment. Surrounded by people who will protect you and contaminate you. And during that wonderful moment you find God, you are lifted from the ashes and put in to His hands for cleaning. Transformation is a slow and tedious process. He uses situations and people to cut and polish away those years of dust and contaminates. Each layer He takes off hurts a little less, and you don't even know how brilliantly you start to shine. He knows which contaminates to leave in that bring out the best colors in you. And soon the flaws that are left have to be seen by the most powerful microscope. Your brilliance is blinding. You are shining  so brightly that everyone wants to hold you and be around you. They want to know what makes you so beautiful. 

So in 2012, let's shine! Let's allow God to cut and polish us, deeper and deeper until Jesus shows through! Let's make the world want to put away the cubic zirconium and turn to the true and pure radiance that God is. That is my wish for this year, will you join me?