to Stand and Deliver

So, another adventure down, and boy was this one a doozy. Lol! I have never been one to watch horror or scary films at all. When I was a teenager and very susceptible to peer pressure; I got talked into watching Arachnaphobia. Well the result of that endevor is a never ending fear of spiders that haunts me in my sleep and in the day. I also watched a Watcher in the Woods and I still jump at rustling leaves. Truthfully, I have always been a little wierd. I know that this is a shocker to some people. Quit laughing! I never understood why I was never like my friends and couldn't go to scary movies and laugh about them later. Or go through a haunted house. I remember around Halloween every year mom's christian radio channel would do a halloween show. And the radio host would take calls from satanist and people who said they were devils or vampires and goblins. It was so scary I would want to hide for days. I didn't even want to hear about the fake versions much less the real versions. It freightened me to no end to think that animal and human sacrifices were going on these days. When we would study the salem witch trials I would cry. I hated any form of abuse or violence or even racial movies or books. Because in my little world, none of that existed.

My best friend calls me an escapist. In other words, I like to escape into movies, books, or video games that help me block the real pain and heartache in this world. I know this to be true. I also know that deep down I have a secret ability. You see when some one reads a book about evil and villians, they usually can move on. I can't. I can't explain it, all I know is that spiritual warfare is real and it is everywhere. And when I watch scary movies or evil movies I feel it.


You know the story Harry Potter? Well the first 3 books were fabulous. They were enjoyable and fun. I devoured them in hours. But the more I read, the harder the books got. By the 6th book, I was picking it up only to get through to the wonderful ending I knew just had to make it worth it. It took me a year to buy the 7th book and a month to read it. Why? Because I can see the evil a little more cleary then I should. I feel evil in books and movies that people think are funny. Mouse Hunt, is a prime example. Its a kid's movie, but there is an underlying evil that made that movie an awful experience for me.

So on to the adventure. I told John that I would let him pick out a scary movie and I would watch it with him. My adventure list is about moving past my fears. So when he picked out the movie I thought I would die. It was Steven King's The Stand. Only John would think of a 6 hour scary movie. We happened to have the movie. So yesterday we sat down to watch this movie and I was surprised. After all I expected something really scary, being Steven King. But it was good. Don't get em wrong, I wouldn't watch it again. There were tons of 80's stars in it and the acting wasn't completely awful. The biggest surprise was it was kind of about Revelations. Good verses Evil! Yet still that should of scared me. I am terrified of Revelations. I know we win in the end, but I am still so scared of the details. So to watch a movie based on this should have been ultra scary. But I wasn't! I went into the movie ready for battle and was able to see a lot of the good parts of the movie.

In short it's kind of like life for me. I am super scared of many things, especially the unknown. But if I go in armed with God backing me up I know that it is going to be great. So many of these things on my list are scary to me; but I know that God is going to use this for his Glory, and that makes it all worth it. Great job honey, on picking a movie! 

The things we rely on....

I am mourning the loss of my laptop this morning. John bought me my perfectly pink laptop soon after my graduation from my 12 step group. I went through this pink stage, where I wanted everything to be pink. So pretty much in the same week, John had bought me a pink laptop with a pink mouse and a pretty pink camera to take pictures with.
That laptop was so significant to me for many reasons. First of all I had never had one before. In fact I had never had a computer of my own before. For the first timeI had a computer with everything exactly where I had put it, eveytime. Music that was all my own, in the order I wanted it and nothing I didn't want to listen to was allowed. My documents were on my desktop and unlike at work, I could leave my desktop unclean and no one could say a thing about it. Secondly, it was my connection to others. When we moved out to the country after my precious baby girl was born. This laptop was my only connection to the outside world. After all, I didn't have a phone of my own, for much of this year. Even now, I still don't have a phone of my own. So here I was far away from all of my friends, in a new area and I couldn't even call them. Now I have said many times that I am a codependent. And another part of that is that I need people around me to feel safe and comfortable. So being alone with my daughter was very hard on me. My laptop became my lifeline to the world. Facebook became my phone calls to my friends and family, and blogging became my replacement for not being able to help people everyday.
About a month ago, My sweet Angel of a daughter was playing on my laptop again, which she knows she shouldn't do. And I had left my glass of tea sitting next to my laptop and while I was away doing something in the kitchen, she grabbed my cup and spilt tea on the keyboard. John caught her with the cup and grabbed it from her thinking that he had just saved my laptop from a horrible fate. Alas, we didn't notice the spill for a couple of days, until my keys started sticking and causing me problems. John took it apart as much as he could before realizing that it was way too damaged. So my gracious darling husband has loaned me his laptop. Yesterday, he backed up my very important data and we are getting ready to ship it off to the manufacturer. Now I am 100 percent grateful for this replacement laptop, but it isn't the same. It doesn't have any of my music or movies or pictures on it. I relied on that laptop for so long.

Friday one of our old Sunday School teachers died in a car wreck on the way to work. He was a husband and a father, grandfather, mentor and friend to many people. We didn't know him that well, but I do remember that everytime I saw him, he lit up the room. His smile was contagoius and he welcomed all with open arms. So now his lovely wife is left with picking up the pieces, without him. It makes me think fo how much I rely on my husband.. Not only is he our provider right now but he is my other half. The complete opposite from me. He is my comforter and lover, sometimes my judge and of course the father to my daughter. I put so much faith in this man, that it sicks me to think that one day I may have to live without him.

My very smart sponsor told me once that we have to get to a point in our relationship with God that we could lose everyone and everything around us that we love and still Love Him. The treaures on Earth are temporary. When she said this, I thought great. I had heard of people who gave up all there posessions and lived only to tell others about Jesus. I have a friend right now, Morgan, that is walking across the country with a cross, to tell others about God. I also know of those that had to lose many people in their lives, and that because of that they are closer to God then ever. Well, I hope that I don't have to lose everyone or give up everything. But I know that God is going to do what he has to to get through to me. Life can be so distracting sometimes. The devil uses things, dreams, disaster and other people to keep us focused on anything but God and His plan for our lives. Lord please help me to focus my eyes on you. I know that all the rest of our life will fall in to place when we focus our lives on you. Thank you for loving us enough to deal with our distractions and the silly things we place before you. Thank you for giving us our hearts for others and giving us the people in our lives, no matter how long we have them for. Please guide me on the path you want me on. Lord please comfort all those who are grieving right now and show them the directions to joy that only you can give through this pain. And Lord, please please please, let me watch when the devil gets his due, for all the pain and suffering and heartache and sickness that he has caused on this Earth. Amen!

Emotional Vampires

With all the buzz about the Twilight series and all the other vampire movies out right now, I think this is the perfect opportunity to have this disscussion. Do you know any vampires? No, I don't mean georgeous men who dazzle in the sunlight and drink blood. I also don't mean fairytales either. I mean people who suck the life out of you. Emotional Vampires. I see them all the time. I seem to be very attractive to vampires. I think it is because I am a codependent. I must send out a signal that says, latch on to this one, she doesn't know how to say no.

I have had a few emotional vampires in my life and they all look the same to me. Negitive, clingy, want advise but don't take it, have an excuse for everything, and a general feel sorry for me attitude. Well, being a codependent, it was hard for me to see that these people weren't being helped by my relationship. In fact instead of helping them I was hurting myself by being in the relationship. I used to think that this was okay, but then I had Matthew 22:39 reread to me. Part of it says love your neighbor as yourself. Not above yourself. This is the key for people like this. They don't love themselves and if I can't love them as myself, then it isn't healthy. This does not give me a reason to hate them and treat them badly. Christ did command us to love even our enemies, but love doesn't always mean right there beside them. In fact in my life, I have to watch my boundaries very carefully with these people. If I don't, I end up hurting them and me. I did this once with a girl I knew. I let her in too close and let her control the relationship. And by the time I figured out that this relationship was damaging to me, there was no easy way to end it. We both got hurt from it. I know though that God is still working in that relationship and there is no relationship too damaged that God cannot heal. But, we can stand in the way of His working in someone when we are trying to "help them" and know deep down in our hearts that it is not what we should be doing. So if you are in a relationship like this, end it. It will hurt initially but God will heal us. If you don't know if this relationship is bad for you then ask a friend that you trust. Look at your heart, does it hurt? Talk with God and wait for an answer, and finally see if you are the one damaging the relationship. Is it onesided? Are you needing more from someone then what they can give? That is probably because you are looking in the wrong place. Only God can fill those holes that we want others to fill sometimes. Don't let an emotional vampire control your life. You cannot hold up someone else for so long. If you are weak and burdened run to God he will carry you through. Ask God to heal the hurts and to heal that person, but also ask God for guidence on when to intervene and when to say no.

Zoobulation!

So yesterday we took Joslyn to the zoo. I have been craving a zoo trip. Finally with much anticipation we drive the hour it takes to get there. The last time I got to go to the zoo was when Joslyn was about 6 months old. She was standing but not walking and she didn't respond much to the animals as she did to the people. Well this time was much different. I was super excited that we got to go with her daddy. My hubby works very hard to support us and as a result misses a lot of his daughter's achievements. Not the big stuff, but the day to day litlle stuff that makes her uniquely her. John also hasn't been to the Oklahoma City zoo since the new childrens zoo has been erected. And that was the first place we went. John took Joslyn into the petting zoo where she got to pet goats and pigs and donkeys. I stayed with the stroller, but I watched from a far as she gently went up to the goats and petted them like we have taught her to pet the dogs. Gently! She did so good. Then we took her to the Lorikeet exhibit and I think I had more fun watching John with the birds then Joslyn. John was covered in them and was the most popular guy there. The birds were landing on his head and arms and Joslyn was watching the whole thing with wonder. It was hilarious. Then my friend Amey and her son showed up and we got to enjoy good company as we walked through the different exhibits. Walked is the word. John was so good with Joslyn as he walked with her most of the day and was patient. Letting her lead the way sometimes as I just wanted to get to the next exhibit. It was an eye opener to me how sometimes I didn't stop and smell the roses, because they have been there a while. It is good to stop and admire the little steps that she is taking, not just sometimes but all the time. And sometimes it takes someone else realizing it before you can see yourself from a different view. I am grateful that I have a husband that is opposite from me especially when I need it most.

When the day was done, we were all exhausted; but it was a beautiful day in more ways then one. Thank you God for giving me these little moments in life. Thank you that I get to revel in the wonders that you have made like the animals and the trees. Thank you that when I don't always take care of the animals or the Earth that you always do. Thank you for showing me your wonder in the little things in life like through my family and friends.

My story!

Growing up in the church, I was used to hearing people's testimony. Fabulous missionaries telling their wonderful stories of salvation and discovery. Or sometimes it would be a dramatic story of heartbreak to triumph when God was discovered as the answers to everything. All wonderful stories that would move my heart and bring tears to my eyes. I wanted that! I didn't want the heartbreak or the hardtimes that come with missionary work, but I did long for the drama. I know what you are thinking! Drama! Who would ever want that? But as a teenager I longed for it.

I wanted to experience the unknown of the world (still do). I wanted to feel love that moved mountains when it was strong and caused earthquakes when it fell apart. I wanted to be so inspiring that people couldn't help but want to be near me, (I know, childish dreams). And I wanted to be a part of something so revolutionary, that we could see and hear and feel the world changing around us. Now that's dramatic!

When I accepted Christ in my heart at the age of five in my bedroom with my mom praying the prayer with me, I was immediately filled with happiness. But as a teenager I would watch people come to Christ after having such tragedy and heartaches in their lives, and you would see them transform in front of you. The next few weeks they would be spouting off Bible verses and telling others about the change God has made in them. They would glow with Jesus and they would yern for the Bible like it was the new gossip column that you couldn't wait to get your hands on. I would long for that feeling. The Bible was like old news to me. I knew that it was good news, but it was old news. I had heard it, I had gotten over the shiny new luster of the print that transformed lives and brought about change.

Now I know how selfish I sound. I felt selfish too. I didn't understand how wonderful I had it. People would tell me that I was lucky to grow up knowing Christ and I was. So very lucky, but I would see them changing lives and influencing people and I couldn't get over it. I longed for that one thing that would make me unique, that would bring me peace and make me inspiring. I did have a dramatic life and I did influence people and I was and still am a part of something revolutionary. I just didn't know it. I was lost in my own pain and trapped by my fear.

3 years ago I walked into this little program at my church called Celebrate Recovery. I went to learn tools on how to help a couple of teenagers I knew that were hurting. it didn't take long for me to realize that I was hurting as well. So I committed myself to the program and to learning more about helping myself break down walls that I have built and distinguish the lies from the truth. It was the devil that told me that I had nothing to offer. It was him that made me feel uninspiring. AND it was him that brought pain and hurt in my life to keep me from growing closer to God. But the worst thing I learned was that it was me who stopped living because of those lies and fear.

The biggest lesson that I have learned is that dramatic people move. Dramatic people risk. There are really dramatic people out there that scare me. Have you ever met someone out there that was so crazy and revolutionary that you are afraid of them? Or maybe afraid of being seen with them? When we have a God that made the universe and you and me. A God that takes care of every creature on this Earth and knows the number of hairs on your head, what do we have to be afraid of? Yet sometimes the most crippling thing that can happen to us is fear. I was afraid to move. I was afraid to risk anything. Love, my life, my heart, my story. Well no more.

Celebrate Recovery brought me past those lies and pain to be able to see my testimony. The story that God has written for me to tell. This week, I told a portion of my story to some of my dear friends at CR. God isn't through writing my story yet, but I can tell you this. The rest of my story is going to be full of love that moves mountains, inspiration that brings people together, unknown worldly stories that get discovered, and a revolution that changes the world. How do I know? Because I am moving, I step at a time, toward that path that God has designed for me. A story towards greatness. What is your story?

ps. If you want to hear my story, you need to take a step. Email me!

There's no business like snow business!

So Feb 1st, 2011 it arrived! The Oklahoma blizzard! I have to laugh when I hear the word blizzard because I know that this was not a blizzard. But for our sake it was the worst snow storm OK has seen since Christmas Eve 2009. That was the day after we brought our precious new baby home from the hospital. A day that was all together frightening and wonderful. I remember sitting at home with my baby and husband and 3 cocker spaniels, oh and my dad was around too; when we got the call from my sister. She was stranded at work ( Panera Bread) right down the street and wondering if she could spend a few days with us. My heart sighed at the news! My sister, was the closest thing to mom of the year I knew and as tired as I was I needed her there. Now I know that my husband and father were there, but it could never match having my sister there. She has always been there for me emotionally and physically. She is a short thing but yet has the ability to kick anyone's derrière if needed (even mine). When she arrived, she held Joslyn and she would stop crying. Suddenly giving Joslyn her first bath wasn't as scary anymore. And when I needed companionship, she knew how to give it. I am so lucky to have my sister! Now over a year later I am snowed in inside a different house with a toddler instead of an infant and I am finding myself wishing she was here. I live too far away from her work now and even if she got stranded I know she couldn't come, but I will always remember the love and help she sent my way that couple of days. Some times God gives us exactly who we need when we need it. Who would you like to be stranded in a snow storm with?