Valentine's Day

This year for Valentine's day John surprised me with some chocolate covered strawberries and a wonderful note that brought me to tears and I surprised him with a big package of new socks. But we were supposed to go to a Valentine's Murder mystery dinner put together by our youth for our Valentine's Day gifts to each other.

For me the romance of Valentine's Day has faded into a peaceful contentment that is so much better than the lustful years of before. No longer do I desire my husband to sweep me off my feet with the perfect gift and the even more perfect attitude. I have talked before about unrealistic expectations and how they can lead to disaster. That perfect gift can never be found and your spouse will either stop trying to find it and resent you or break his spirit and your bank account looking. I remember spending the days before Valentine's Day hoping that John would show up with a token that would esteem his love for me and that he would then carry me into the bed room and all would be perfect! But alas my husband would either show up with a trifle gift that would cause doubt in my mind that he really loved me. After all couldn't he get the twenty or so hints that I had dropped the week before? Didn't he understand how much was riding on this gift?

Unfortunately, that was me up there, embarrassed as I must admit. Not knowing that I was holding my husband to an impossible standard. After all I hadn't purchased the hubby version that read minds or came with a prince charming romance card. My prince charming was just a man! A strong and wonderful man that was showing his love to me everyday and wondering why it was never enough. Wasn't working incredibly hard to provide what I needed and wanted and then trying everyday to figure out what I really wanted enough? Needless did he know that I couldn't tell him what I wanted if he did have the gall to ask.
My heart and mind fought over the truth of what I wanted and needed. I didn't need the gift that I longed for that day but the love and acceptance that i thought it would provide for me. I didn't want my bank account to be in the toilet just for a gift that would sit on my shelf a week later. I wanted a promise that he would always be there for me, love me like the the best love story heroes did, and fill all the holes in my heart that the world had put there. Of course he couldn't and can't fulfill any of these things!

Only God can give me the everlasting love that I desire, He will never leave me or abandon me. Only God can know my deepest desires and secrets and provide the heroic awesome love story I long to be in. And only God can heal the wounds and hurts that sin and darkness put in my life.
Once I realized what I was really longing for I set out to change it. Notice I said it not him. I decided I would seek God for those things that I longed for and a true miracle happened. God started showing me what an amazing gift in a husband He had given me.  How although I could not control that he would never leave me, pending I find a way to cheat death, I could count on a man that would work harder than I would to stay by my side. And although my robot husband was not prince charming, he would look for more and more ways to show me his love even when i didn't deserve it. And the biggest gift was that he would support me in my attempts to fill those holes in my heart, by not complaining of the endless nights I would spend in Celebrate Recovery and handling with caution the broken mess I was and am.

Slowly I noticed the changes in him. He started communicating with me more and that opened up so much room for healing in our marriage. One of the sweetest things I have seen in a long time is the healing of a marriage of some friends of mine. As I watch God restore what is broken in their lives I am reminded of how much God has restored in my marriage and in me. But I had to get to that broken place before I let him fix it. I had to let go of the control.

So I challenge you today to look at the expectations you have for your loved ones. Are you holding them to standards that only God can fill? And if so, isn't it worth the opportunity to heal for you to let go?

Happily Ever After!

John and I 2011

"For to share a life of endless bliss, just find who you love and true love's kiss!" (sung by Giselle in Enchanted).

"Everyone wants to live happily ever after!" That is true Giselle, we all do want to live happily ever after. But is it possible? During the movie Enchanted, Robert played by the divine Patrick Dempsey, wonders this too. He is skeptical of the idea of happily ever after because he trusted and got hurt. And after a journey of discovery and trials, he was able to find it. I think this is a lot like our lives.

When I was 20 I was taking college classes and working at Chick-Fil-A. I remember coming home one day from work, smelling of chicken and feeling  icky. I just got off the bus and walked across the street to my house. I noticed the boy next door working on his motorcycle and he stopped to talk to me. We were chatting about our likes and dislikes and he asked me if I would like to go play pool with him the next day. I was stunned, he quickly added just as friends, so I said yes. You see I had a very bad view of guys. After all my dad had abandoned my family, so I assumed that every guy was like that. I also had very bad self esteem. I had been overweight since I hit puberty, so any attention I got from a guy had to be suspect. Why would anyone really want to love me? In fact in school any guy that paid me true attention were the ones I had crushes on. I never dreamed or crushed on the cutest guys in school like everyone else. But I would dream and write our names in hearts for the guys that were my friends. Guys that saw me as a person not a fat girl. But it was one thing to dream and pretend that we were true loves, it was another thing to live it out. Anytime a guy would actually get close to me and want something more than friendship, I would get so scared! I ran! Everytime! One time I actually dropped my books and ran away after a guy asked me out by my locker, leaving my books and his heart on the floor. I was so ashamed, but my fear was bigger than my pride. I couldn't risk my broken heart to broken more.

John on his motorcycle with my nephew Lucian

So when John asked me on a date I was grinning from ear to ear, but my mind was already thinking how I could get out of it. My sister asked why I was so happy in a smug little voice, and I said "the boy next door asked me out on a date". She said "there is a boy next door?" I felt the same way, we had actually lived at this house for about a year and I had never noticed him before. You see we moved every year sometimes twice a year and I was used to not getting to know the neighbors. I rarely made friends because I was too used to having to leave my friends behind! So when I told my mom about the boy next door she encouraged me to go, after all it was just as friends. So I went and really had a good time. We went to Coach's and I was hoping that he would put his arms around me and "teach me" to play pool. But he was a perfect gentleman! After the date he offered a ride on his motorcycle and I accepted after much debate. But I was shaking like a leaf and I don't know if it was from being on a bike or having my arms around him. We went back to our separate homes without a goodnight kiss though. So I didn't know what to think. We he asked me to hang out with him and some of his friends a couple days later I was even more confused. His friends weren't very friendly. He was a gamer and his friends were all gamers too. I wonder if they had even seen a girl before. They were busy playing games like D&D and World of Warcraft. This was a new world to me, and I felt really out of place. After all I had been taught that D&D was a devil game like ouija boards.

 So the second date was bad and I was ready to stop playing around. I had decided that if he were to ask me out again that I would break it off. I was going away for the summer to work at a girl scout camp in Illinois and that was a week away. So he asked me out to see a movie and we went to see Godzilla. Wow that was so long ago! And during the movie he held my hand. When he dropped me off he tried to kiss me and I turned away. I told him that I was leaving for Illinois in a few days and gave him the address. I told him that I would love for him to write me. I never expected he would.

John's senior picture

I wasn't at camp long before I got my first  letter. He had typed it on his computer. I was shocked! So I wrote back and we continued writing. At first the letters were small talk, but after awhile we started to talk about the deeper things in our lives. Like how we both had been hurt before and that if we were ever to get married it would be for life. I love putting stickers on my letters and I would cover the letters with stickers that matched the topic and sometimes I would sneak in a heart sticker. Then he started adding clip art to his letters  and when he put the first heart on his letter my heart swooned! One magical night after watching Hope Floats with the girls, I got up the nerve to call him. It was really late like 1 o'clock in the morning. He groggily answered and after I made small talk as long as I could, I stumbled out I love you bye! He told me later that he did a double take through the phone. I love you's came easier after that and when I finally got home our first date ended with the most magical kiss. It is history after that.

So is it Happily ever after? Well yes and no! No because every day is not always happy. we have bad days and good days. Great days and horrible days. But life together is happy. I believe that only is a result of our dedication to each other and my dedication to God. He helps us work through the hurt and the pain so we can see the beauty of the life He has given us. One day in heaven there will be a for sure happily ever after but  right now we can enjoy the journey of the love He gives us everyday and the people He has put in our lives. I have found my prince and that is only because of my King!

Falling in love with water!

When I fell in love with John it was new and exciting and fulfilling. But it took a lot of work to maintain the love affair. When the newness falls away and we see the good and the bad, we both had to consciously decide to work at it. Well that is how I am going to approach my new task this week. To re-fall in love with water. Everything that God made is good! And because he formed my body to need and crave water, that is what I am going to drink.

My addiction to food isn't my only addiction. I have always been addicted to soda also. Diet coke and Dr. Pepper were my poisons of choice. Anytime that I would have a diet coke, my stomach would start churning from the moment of that first sip. I knew what it would do to me. I knew there would be stomach pains and gas, much too much time spent in the bathroom and just an over all feeling of yuck. All from one can! But would I put it down, no. I was more afraid of being free from it. It was my comfort my shield. The same way that food is. When  I was a teenager I would freeze a 1 liter bottle of Dr. Pepper overnight and have it for breakfast. I remember stopping Dr. Pepper for awhile and that first week the withdrawal symptoms were awful! I had headaches mood swings and even shakiness. This should have deterred me from ever picking one up again, but like any addict I couldn't truly stop without the help of God. 

In the recent months, God has been preparing me to cleanse my body of the poisons that I have been putting in my body. The fattening food, the Carb catastrophe, the overload of sodium, the soda and the deadly portions of all of them. I have been feeling that I am finally ready to kick this addiction to food. Food will no longer be my master. I will not be ruled by what I can or cannot eat. I will not spend countless hours planning, thinking, and meditating on food. How will I do this? Only with God's help. I am counting on the Holy Spirit to guide my thoughts and change my habits. I will speak more about this on Weight loss Wednesdays, but today is about water. 

My love affair with water started when I was very young. My Memaw and Papaw had a pool and by the age of 6 months I could swim in it between Mom and Dad. I was definitely a water baby. When I am near water a feeling of calm and peace slip over me. I am safe I am home and I am nearer to God. I remember going to Maine to visit my best-est friend and she took me to the ocean for the very first time. I was so excited. I think it was May and the water was ice cold, but I stuck my feet in it. I had to touch it and feel it. I even made a sand castle. Then later in life I took a trip to California for church and we spent a couple of hours on the beach and I never felt closer to God. He was there making sand castles with me and watching His child be sublimely happy. 

Many of the adventures that are on my list involve water. Para-sailing, water skiing, swimming with dolphins, going on a house boat, etc... These things are some of my inspirations for falling in love with water. Also the overall health of my body. Feeling good and getting closer to my goal weight. Saving the money that I would spend on soda when water is free. Teaching good water loving habits to my daughter. 

Today, May 09, 2011 I hear-by start my water drinking habit. No more will soda touch my lips. I will limit my tea drinking to minimum. I will drink at least 64 ounces of water a day, more if possible. I hear-for assign accountablility duty to my friends, family and internet friends, in-which you are allowed to gently scold, and direct me back to a water loving habit, should I stray. Thank you for your support, Teresa