Contentment

I once was in danger. Not my life, but my heart and my spiritual life. I was living a life that was not my own. I was living life how I thought it should be. Chasing the dollar, keeping up with the Jones, living in denial about my finances.

Did you know that discontentment is contagious? It is actually possible to be doing all of those things and not even know it. After all, I thought I was being humble. Giving my time and energy away, and some of my money away to volunteering in my church and helping teenagers. But I never realized how much of my life was focused on me and not God until I walked away from my American dream.

It was January 2010. I had just received the greatest gift from my Heavenly Father, my daughter. I never realized how much my life would change. As I struggled through the first few months of motherhood, I didn't realize the internal battle that was happening in my soul also. I was in such discontentment in my life. I assumed that this had to be my fault for not being able to be the mother I had dreamed being. But it wasn't about motherhood at all. My heart had grown so big in the last few months and I was finally thinking clearly for the first time in along time. God had given me my daughter at the perfect time. I had dreamed of having a child most of my life, but God waited till then to change me.

I had just gone through and amazing bible 12 step program (Celebrate Recovery) and gained victory over my past that the devil used to hold me in bondage. But the biggest thing I gained was the knowledge that God had created me as a perfect being in His Image. And not despite of, but because He let me go through these things I am in perfect condition to share His story. I had gained my voice! And I finally had confidence to share His story. By being so enlightened, I also had been given the sight to see how much of my life was off God's path.

My husband and I had lived most of our lives in search of the American dream! In 2004 we bought our first house. A house that I thought we would live in a long time. We spent countless hours and dollars trying to make that house a home. Filling it with things that took up space and gave us temporary joy. But it was never enough. I was always looking to my friends and there lives to find that one thing that would make me happy. Granted I knew that only God could fill me up, but I wasn't living that way. So I tried my darnedest to full up my soul with God by working off my wanting habits. But it never worked! The problem was I had surrounded myself with people and places that craved more. The nicest cars, the cutest Coach purses, the best looking houses and the funnest parties. The babies with the cutest bows and outfits. I felt lost! I couldn't keep up and I was tired of trying! John and I worked so hard to try and afford the things we thought we needed, that we ended up in so much debt. We couldn't afford the things we did really need. Like food and shelter and time with each other. My husband and I both felt guided that i should stay home with Joslyn, but we could barely hold everything together with both of us working. So we made one of the hardest decisions we had ever had to make. We walked away!

All those years putting money into a house that we couldn't keep together. Never seeing my husband because he was working himself to the bone to keep us afloat. Borrowing and begging to save something that we could never save. We had to do the most humbling thing ever and walk away from our home. I felt lost and confused! But also for the first time in awhile I felt free! Finally living without that huge commitment over our heads. And through the humility we had to rely on God to guide us on the right path. He did not fail! He led me to a place where amongst the most humble people, God was doing amazing things. People coming together to help others. Giving away their comfort and blessings to the unfortunate. Taking care of the widows and the orphans. Like the original disciples they were following Jesus, wherever He lead! And in this unassuming place I was sent to heal and learn my true purpose. I was taught how to use my voice for Him. I was gathering the strength I would need for the future. A future that would lead me back to the city. A city where the temptation of stuff and money is strong. But God has shown me such a gift of humility! He is guiding me to live with purpose. To let go of the things that are fake and teaching me to hold on to the gifts that bear fruit! Thank you Lord for my family and my friends. Thank you Lord for the opportunity to be a fisherman! To help others find their true purpose in You! Thank you for helping out of my denial and giving me the gift of humility. Please continue to break the chains that things have a hold on me and help my life to be an example to others and lead them to You!

Disclaimer: I do not approve of not paying your debts. Though we did walk away from the house we are still responsible for the debt and we are slowly finding ways to pay for all that we owe. You can not escape your past, but with God's help you can deal with it and He will use it for His glory!